To just feel like he does so little around the house

[mineisyours]

Yes he works very hard etc, outside of the house, but I feel like - especially at weekends - he does nothing.

I get up with the kids, he strolls down whenever he likes. He has his breakfast, then just leaves absolutely everything out. I buy the food, I make the food, he eats and just walks off to lie down. It happens all the time. If I say anything, we argue. He has such a hard job, needs to relax etc.

he never makes the bed and is incapable of keeping his clothes in order.

every weekend, the resentment builds. I feel it especially at weekends as I just feel like I’m doing so much. In the week I’m also doing a lot of course, but the kids are exhausting. Keeping the house in order and the continuous clearing away after eating that he never partakes in, is very frustrating.

the kids are 3 and 5. I usually work full time but still have the same burden. At the moment I’m not working, as I was made redundant, but I’m on the brink of getting a new one now.

I just can’t talk to him about it, as we just argue. I can’t get through without him saying that I’m nagging. He does so much and he’s so tired. So am I. I do so much and it’s not even recognised. Very frustrated at the moment. 😩 I feel like he makes half an effort for a little while, but then he slips. Recently he’s done nothing.

he just always walks away or retreats from us.

I have a stomach ache and left him to do baths just now. Usually I would just be doing it or he would come in and then leave again. But not really help or get involved.

The usual advice is to stop making him food or washing his clothes. Get up and leave the house at the weekend for a long chunk of time.

How would he react to that?

Reframe "nagging" - its a loaded term. It is perfectly reasonable to tell an adult to pull their weight. If he doesn't like being told, the solution is to do a fair share.

Why do you tolerate this shit?

Sounds like you are the family work horse and skivvy.
Drop the rope.
If you do it, you will be left to it.
Stop it.
Stop it completely.
Stop arguing with him.
Cease doing any laundry.
Reduce the shop to simply meals only for the children and yourself.

Focus on the minimum for the children.
If this is how he intends to behave, your marriage is over.
You need to be clever and protect your health as much as you can.
Tell family and friends the truth and ask for your support.
Men like him will use you as a workhorse and grind you into the ground.
Protect yourself.

I think this is the sort of fundamental disrespect that is very common. He thinks because ‘he works’ that you’re the default nanny, cook and bottle washer. It’s so ingrained in him that it’s women’s work that he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong when he suits himself at the weekend. It’s basically misogynist patriarchal mindset.

Me and my DH came to blows (verbally) many times over this even though he was a totally hands on dad and actually did contribute. For me though, it wasn't enough and the unfairness of the drudge work really built up the resentment and got me down. In the end I basically just took an equal amount of time and fucked off out and left him to it with the kids. He had no choice. He did get better because he knew in no uncertain terms how angry I was about it.

My advice is don’t accept disrespect. He either shapes up or ships out.

As above poster said, stop doing everything for him.
You'll get nowhere by negotiating with him.

Doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you. Where does that leave your marriage ?

You look after the children, shop, cook, clean, do the laundry and (will soon) work full time. When you point this out he says you're nagging and retreats.

What is the point of him?

The thing is, even the housework I do is apparently sub par anyway. So I do wonder why I even bother. But I need to keep this home and family running, I guess.

Would splitting up chores work? Or would he just not do anything? If you both work full time, you really need to hand him stuff to do, but reading between the lines, you sound like you’ll just do everyth8ng because it”s too much hassle to do otherwise. You’ve probably accidentally persuaded him that this is the ‘norm’ when you’d quite like a break, actually, and can’t see why you’re doing everything. Probably because you always have. 🙁

Keeping the home and the family running is a joint endeavor, it's not on you.

I agree with all PPs, and could not stay in a relationship like this myself.

Write down everything you do. Everything he does. Sit down and discuss like adults. If he refuses, your answer is your marriage is over.

Some things you can pay others to do.

If you are off at the minute I think it's fair enough you do more now, but that's not sustainable long term.

I guess he still expects sex too?

Yeah I also think it’s fair that I do more, but I still think when he’s here at weekends- he gets a lie in, both days- fine. But if I’ve cooked, he could help me clean up. He could also clean up after himself.

Yeah 😩😭

Stop that. Theres nothing more unattractive than cleaning the house/parenting the kids and ticking the chores off the list whilst he sits there doing fuck all expecting a blowie/shag. Fanny clamped well and truely shut. Closed for business. Just refuse. Say your tired of being the mother to all in the house. Its unsexy and kills any desire. In fact it just becomes yet another chore to tick off.

Exactly this. It's not nagging - it's one adult exploiting another.

You are asking for an fair split, teamwork, justice - nothing more.

I very much doubt you will get it though OP - ime men like this don't change. He might sulkily say 'what do you want me to do then?' for a while but he will never allow himself to be what he sees as - please excuse the misogynist language, but if the cap fits - your bitch.

As a final resort I would point out that when he has 50/50 custody he'll learn soon enough what being a real father means

We’ve had lots of chats / arguments about it. He improves sometimes, not always though. Then he slips into the same pattern.

then I pull him up on it and he gets defensive and nasty. Then it escalates and then he might be a bit better for a while and then slips again.

then I shut up for a while about it and just get on with it all. Then I reach breaking point and just start screaming and losing my shit because I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I get so frustrated sometimes and feel extremely angry that all I do is cook and clean and look after everything.

He swans around doing what he likes, not doing any domestic or childrearing work, because he can basically.

He probably thinks that unpaid household tasks are beneath him because he has a penis.

And there you are "keeping the house and family together" which is what he banks on you doing because you need his wage, I am guessing, so as he controls a bigger proportion of the finances you have to take what he says.

And your children are likely to follow the same pattern because your adult relationship is what will influence them most of what an adult relationship looks like.

He won't change @mineisyours because he doesn't have to and why would he want to.

Was he like this before you had children together? Did he get passed from his mother to you? Did he change after the first child? So you thought let's have another one to add to my work?

The only thing you do is split up, share the childcare, which would enable you to get possibly better paid work and he would have to look after his house and you look after yours. Many women make this choice and if they can financially make it work they seem much happier because whilst they are still doing loads they are not domestically carrying a grown man whom they also have to have sex with on top of everything else.

What the fuck? Do you actually like this person who treats you like crap?

I stopped making the effort (due to ill health). The house gets hoovered every couple weeks, bed change similar. I don’t worry about the dusting/ wash pile.
what I found was when I dropped the ball dh (eventually) started picking it up. He still says “we need to…..” (meaning me) but I just agree and ignore. I clean if I feel able to and want to. I’m a lot less resentful.

On that thread that asks if people are happy being single.

My answer was “yes” and threads like this are why.

It needs to change. Just think of the blueprint you're giving DC about men and women's roles.

Time for you to go away with friends/family/premier inn at weekend and let him get on with it.