Reporting historic abuse

[H12345]

I’m really stuck on the best thing to do so appreciate any help.
Recently in my mid 40s I came to the realisation that when I was 15 I was groomed by a 30 year old man…. All these years I believed it was consensual but now my daughter is that age it hit me like a brick how wrong it all was.
He would make out my parents wouldn’t understand so we had to sneak about. He would pick me up, drive on only backroads, give me drugs then came the sex we done everything including extreme things that I’ve never done since. Was usually in his car but sometimes in his parent’s house when they were out. I loved him and wanted to be with him hence always thinking it was fine but now I see my daughter at 15 and how innocent she is I know it was all so wrong and I was groomed.
Here is my struggle I know he had sole custody of 2 daughters and my biggest fear is he could be / has abused them or their friends
In my job I met a young girl last week that wants to report historic abuse against her dad and I felt sick as know she lives in the same area as this man…. Thankfully not connected but that feeling won’t ever leave me.
Ive now found him on Facebook and his daughter’s are 16 plus and look happy.
Selfishly I love my life, have a great family, friends, a job I adore and don’t want to risk going back to this dark time unless really needed as worried about the effect on my mental health.
BUT what if he has done this to others and they want to report him, my statement could help them get justice.
I just don’t know what to do?

YABU - I should report to police to support others in future if needed
YANBU - To walk away

thank you x

It’s a hard one. The first thing is to think about when it happened to you because pre 2003 grooming wasn’t a specific offence, so while we now understand how harmful it is and there are clear laws, the law isn’t applied retrospectively. You’d then be looking at offences around under age sec which, again, were different 20/30 years ago.

Its not your responsibility to try and prevent his behaviour now, if you do decide to report it needs to give you something be that a way to recognise the harm of what happened to you, some peace that you did what you needed to for yourself. I had a not dissimilar situation and did report it. I needed acknowledgement that what happened was wrong (because I was blamed for it), and reporting it helped me stop blaming myself. Much more useful was very good therapy to help me pick through the impact on me.

I feel for you - that realisation that what you thought was consensual actually wasn’t is hard. Mine came when I was training a group of professionals on sexual exploitation - and realised everything I was talking about had happened to me. There is light though - 10 year on and I’m in a really good place, you’ll be ok.

The age of consent was still 16 back then so surely anyone under age didn’t have the capacity to consent?

While it's not your responsibility to stop him abusing others, I can understand your concerns about him being around other young girls.

Have you thought about contacting an organisation such as https://napac.org.uk/ for support? I would do that and they can help you talk through your options and what to expect once you've made the report to police, if you decide to do so.

The most important thing is making sure that you safeguard your own wellbeing and have support in place. Look after yourself lovely 💐

My advice is to think about yourself and the impact reporting this might have on you and your mental health. It is not our responsibility to police men and although we need to be concerned about the potential for further harm, we need to put ourselves and our family first.

The system is not in womens favour.

I don't think you should report because you are worried about others.

If you report, you are ripping your life open so it needs to be for you.

I'd suggest counselling first.

The next part of what i say is not in any way, shape or form excusing his behaviour, but if you found out you really were a one off and whilst you may have been one of many, you may also have been the only one, so you need to be 100% certain you want to go ahead and committed to seeing it through because otherwise you go through it all again, plus you'll have to be prepared for his backlash and others like his friends and family minimising it as something of the time and you don't say but it might be an awful lot to go through, especially if you are in the same town, and it will be even worse if you stop proceedings half way through.

So I 100% validate that you were abused, but you need to be 100% sure you want to bring it into the open.and that you're doing it for you.

I just wanted to add op, just because it was historic does not mean he won’t be charged.
My rapist was charged and went to crown court last year 25 years after he raped me.
I am happy to answer any questions on how this happened and what it was like.
Also like others have said, report for you and you only. If you are concerned about the safety of anyone else you could always report anonymously to social services?

The age of consent was 16 then. Alsi, anyone under 18 was still considered a child.
I don't have any advice but can only tell you something. I had a similar story to you. I was 16. It played on my mind to the extent that I was always thinking about it. Eventually, many years later, I wrote a letter to the police station in the area where it happened, just saying I thought they should know about him. They phoned me and were super kind and helpful. They believed me. They found him, interviewed him. He said it was consensual. But the police said it could go to court and I'd win. I decided not to proceed. But at least it marked his card and he was on their radar.
Good luck!

From the bottom of my heart thank you for your honest feedback, it’s given me a lot to think about. I’m so sorry to hear others have gone through similar experience, thank you for sharing something so personal with me.
I really can’t tell you how much your words have helped already as was feeling like such a fraud…. How can I only just realise the extent of what happened but the more I go back I can see how calculated and wrong it was, doing those things to a child makes me sick.

For me I would be happy to move on as I don’t want to think about him at all but that feeling when a young and extremely vulnerable girl said she had been abused and terrified she wouldn’t be believed made me want to protect others which will hopefully be healing to myself. If he has abused others I can say with a clear heart I couldn’t have stopped that but I can help them get justice in the future but only if needed.

Ideally I would like it on record but no action taken unless another person comes forward as that will clear my mind.

I will definitely reach out to the charity, thank you for sharing.

Thank you all again.

Yes, so underage sex would be an offence but grooming (and by extension exploitation) wouldn’t be. The law really doesn’t work in woman’s favour now, and certainly wasn’t then so the OP could report and see very little in the way of offence being taken forward.