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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not get involved in this

16 replies

Ohhellnooo · 27/09/2025 20:04

My friend’s husband is a tradesman. He’s fantastic at what he does and he’s currently doing a long project on my house.

She sent me a text the other day when he was here, asking me if I’d ever heard him on the phone to anyone while he was here. This was after a few texts where he was here a couple of hours later than usual a few times where he just had to finish bits due to rain being forecast the next day. She would text me “x said he’s still at yours - is he there?”

I said I don’t hear him. Which is true as don’t pay that much attention to be honest. I’ve usually got headphones in, or I try to be out with the dogs as much as possible as it’s really noisy and dusty and we are contained in a small part of the house.

She said please could I keep listening out and tell her immediately if I hear him on his phone.

I said look, is there anything you want to talk about? Because I would be really uncomfortable doing that.

She got upset with me. We spoke and smoothed things out. FWIW, he’s really good friends with my husband. They both rarely go out and when they do, it’s with each other to the cinema, or to the pub once every few months. They are hardly gods gift with women falling over them. She and I (or me and her, I’ve had a couple of drinks 🤣) go out far more than they do.

I’ve known them both very well for around 5 years now, you know when you get the cheating bastard vibe from someone? nope, not from him, at all. He’s lovely. I know you can’t know what’s gone on in a relationship, but honestly, I don’t get that vibe from him at all.

I just hate that I’m expected to keep tabs on him while he’s working in my home. But on the other hand, I feel like I’m being disloyal to her in some way.

I feel in such an awkward position over it.

OP posts:
Springadorable · 27/09/2025 20:06

Good for you. Just deflect and don't get involved.
"Sorry, had headphones on"
"Hmm haven't heard anything"
"Not really sure to be honest"

MrsDoubtfire1 · 27/09/2025 20:08

Not your job. I had a friend whose husband was a tradesman, a thoroughly decent man. He was doing some work at the house of another friend's friend and the friend's friend made a pass at him. He immediately said that he was a happily married man and she would need to get someone else to finish the job. It is not the sort of thing you could tell his wife, but the story did show him to be a really loyal guy to his family.

pteromum · 27/09/2025 20:13

I think your response was great. I would add, if she continues, I would always tell a friend if I suspected their DH was cheating, despite that making me the fall guy. In your case, I do not but am concerned about your anxiety.

Ohhellnooo · 27/09/2025 20:17

pteromum · 27/09/2025 20:13

I think your response was great. I would add, if she continues, I would always tell a friend if I suspected their DH was cheating, despite that making me the fall guy. In your case, I do not but am concerned about your anxiety.

Oh god, immediately. I have done before, even if I did end up being the shot messenger.

My anxiety over it is due to her anxiety. I’ve never seen anything to suggest she has to worry. I asked dh who laughed. I feel really bad for her, and I feel shit that she wants me to spy on him.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 27/09/2025 20:20

I would delay reading and responding to her texts so that he has left by that time. Then just tell her you have headphones on and can’t hear anything or be distracted whilst working.

Puzzledtoday · 27/09/2025 20:26

You could say you believe he’s faithful to her and you rarely him on his phone and you hope she’s ok?

Ohhellnooo · 27/09/2025 20:43

Puzzledtoday · 27/09/2025 20:26

You could say you believe he’s faithful to her and you rarely him on his phone and you hope she’s ok?

Edited

Yeah, that was basically the conversation we had. It just feels shit to be put in this position when he’s here 8 hours a day.

OP posts:
Puzzledtoday · 27/09/2025 20:52

Ohhellnooo · 27/09/2025 20:43

Yeah, that was basically the conversation we had. It just feels shit to be put in this position when he’s here 8 hours a day.

Your friend is out of order but she must be worried to do this.

Talipesmum · 27/09/2025 20:57

maybe just say to her that you haven’t heard anything that makes you suspicious, you’d tell her if you were at all worried, you can’t be listening out to see if he’s on the phone or not, but if you had any worries you’d of course tell her straight away.

SunshineAndFizz · 28/09/2025 08:05

She’s obviously asking you for a reason and is worried. Keep doing what you’re doing - I wouldn’t go out of my way to spy or anything. But if I heard something I’d tell her.

Endofyear · 28/09/2025 08:14

Did she say why she's suspicious? Does she have legitimate reasons for being worried? I wouldn't be happy about being asked to essentially spy on him but if I did overhear anything suspicious I would tell her. Just because he doesn't seem the type, doesn't mean he never would

BallerinaRadio · 28/09/2025 08:17

Plot twist - the OP is sleeping with him! 😮

Would be a Mumsnet all timer 🤣

Ohhellnooo · 28/09/2025 08:28

BallerinaRadio · 28/09/2025 08:17

Plot twist - the OP is sleeping with him! 😮

Would be a Mumsnet all timer 🤣

Could you imagine if I suddenly admitted to that - it would be one hell of a drip feed 🤣

No, can confirm I have zero interest in him.

OP posts:
BallerinaRadio · 28/09/2025 08:29

Ohhellnooo · 28/09/2025 08:28

Could you imagine if I suddenly admitted to that - it would be one hell of a drip feed 🤣

No, can confirm I have zero interest in him.

Hmm ok sounds plausible 🧐🧐🧐

🤣🤣

Ohhellnooo · 28/09/2025 08:32

Endofyear · 28/09/2025 08:14

Did she say why she's suspicious? Does she have legitimate reasons for being worried? I wouldn't be happy about being asked to essentially spy on him but if I did overhear anything suspicious I would tell her. Just because he doesn't seem the type, doesn't mean he never would

I’ve known them both for 5 years. She’s now one of my closest friends. She has the usual moans about him, as I am sure we all do. Nothing to do with cheating or being suspicious though.

She’s never mentioned anything at all.

I asked my dh who is a good friend of his and he was like, absolutely not, he’s not like that. I trust my husband - he was genuinely perplexed by it to.

OP posts:
Ohhellnooo · 28/09/2025 08:37

SunshineAndFizz · 28/09/2025 08:05

She’s obviously asking you for a reason and is worried. Keep doing what you’re doing - I wouldn’t go out of my way to spy or anything. But if I heard something I’d tell her.

I would absolutely tell her.

But now I feel really uncomfortable being put in a situation where I am basically on lookout and I’ve made loads of plans to be out of the house next week now, just so I am not here. It’s a bloody extension and full on reno of half the house though, so this is going to be for at least the next 6 weeks.

OP posts:
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