I’m 40F, my mum is 65F and my brother is 43M (autistic/dyslexic/dyspraxic and vulnerable). For as long as I can remember I’ve been her emotional crutch. She falls out with everyone, thrives on drama, and makes everything public.
Back in 2007 she got with a man who was clearly dodgy. I told her more then once but she told me I just had a vivid imagination. She refused to believe me that he was not right and married him in 2015.
He refused to live with her even when married, so they spent the whole time c70 miles apart. He did benefit and insurance fraud, threats to me and my brother, lying, lived a whole double life with another woman for the entire relationship with my mum and was emotionally abusive towards mum. Within the first few months of marriage to her, he told his family he’d found his “soulmate” with this other woman and regretted getting married.
My mum walked in on them and found out he was engaged whilst he had only been married to her for a few months. It was a huge shock but it turned into a massive drama. She wrote long letters to everyone about him and what he was really like and how he was narcissistic and abusive. She even sent it to all her neighbours and colleagues and spent years recovering.
When she retired, she sent a complaint to her former workplace about a phone call and an ex colleague of hers emailed back and said she was pleased to see the back of mum and please she no longer had to put up with her drama. A moment my brother and I found hilarious as we felt the same!
Fast forward to 2023: after my nan died, Mum quietly got back with him. Within weeks he’d moved in and she pushed my vulnerable brother out of the house with only two weeks notice. She even took inheritance from me and my brother that she promised by my Nan she would share and she replaced my son’s photos with his family’s in her house.
Since then, life has been calm and we have rarely spoken. The odd text here or there.
They both went on holiday recently and he died suddenly. She rang me first, devastated, and is now messaging daily as if nothing ever happened. She’s calling herself his “wife” (though they hadn’t remarried. I asked and she just says “it’s complicated, I’ll explain later, I’ve just changed my name”) and expects us to go to his funeral and expects to slot back into our lives like nothing has happened and we are one big happy family.
She’s already telling everyone she’s a widow. Texting us that ‘If x was here he would be doing this right now’ all that type of stuff even when we never spoke about him when we did see her.
The thing is, my brother and I finally felt peace once we’d stepped back. Now we both fear all the toxicity and rewriting of history will return. She’s already painting him as some great love instead of the abusive liar he was, all of his past is completely forgotten. And we have to pretend to go along with the charade that he was wonderful and I just can’t do it.
I don’t want to her her emotional crutch where she thinks I’m happy to sit there listening to her regale stories of how wonderful he was when I know it’s all just BS.
I feel bad because obviously her feelings of grief are real and I completely empathise, but AIBU for not wanting to get dragged back in?