How do you heal from a narcissistic person?

[Autumnscoming234]

How can you possibly begin to heal from an abusive narcissistic person? I know full well that the word “narcissist” is thrown about far far to often, but after reading and learning about it I can honestly say the word fits MIL more than anything else. Years of passive aggressiveness, fake kindness in front of others, lies, false narratives, rallying round people to join her in believing her lies about me, constant pull-downs, playing the victim in situations she herself has created and calling me a trouble maker for confronting her on her lies and false narratives (because how dare I?) the complete inability to take any sort of accountability for the hurt she causes. She has now taken her most recent false narrative about me to the point she does not want to see me or her DGC anymore (all because she told a lie and she believes her own lie more than the truth?!) 🤯 shes gone as far as wanting to involve cctv and police in this fake story to scare me off I assume? Which did not work because I told her I would gladly call the police on her behalf to prove my innocence… Anyway this latest development of not wanting to see us is a blessing in disguise, but the hurt and turmoil it has left is something else. My own mother passed away so she was my children’s only living grandmother. How do I exlain to them? How can I stop this going round and round in my head every single day? My brain has become so loud its driving me insane.

You explain to your children that’s she is not a nice person, so they will no longer be seeing her.
Your children will be fine.
Where was your husband during all this?
Your mil sounds utterly deranged.

I have a narcissistic mother, I think possibly BDP, a very emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive upbringing… you know the sort of thing.

I deal with her, as I chose to emotionally disconnect from her - she can’t hurt me, because I don’t allow her to. I was in my 20s, when I just thought “nah”. I still see her, never stopped seeing her, I just don’t take any of her shit on … and if she starts being awful, I walk out.

..easier now she’s in the care home.

They will never change, stop trying to think of reasons why they are who they are, or how you can fix things (you can’t). Just let them get in with it .. no Grey Rocks, no drama …

It takes a lot of healing from. The only thing I could do with my MIL was to distance myself, leave my then husband to answer all phone calls etc. As @ExtraOnions said, be emotionally disconnected when I did see her at family gatherings.

Is your husband supportive of you with regards to his mother @Autumnscoming234 ? Mine never was and he claimed it was to "protect his inheritance" but I now know it was to protect himself, from her. He is his mother's son.

I found learning about narcissism/abuse helpful, to see it wasn't my fault, and to understand how their minds work. But they're twistier than curly wurlies so there's never any closure. The best we can do is work through what's been said and done, with a counsellor if that's an option for you, and box it up to be put at the back of a very dusty cupboard while you go out with the children, looking for conkers, gathering autumn leaves, enjoying your freedom to live life, while MIL is back there, carrying on with her perceived rage and doing her dying fly act, never changing.

You need to drop down from the overthinking in your head to feel the feelings in your body. The anger, sadness, loneliness of it all. Let yourself (and others, like your children) feel it all and don’t be scared to feel. Don’t shy away from telling your kids the truth because it’s going to make them feel difficult feelings. Let you and them feel it all and the feelings will pass, it’ll be horrible, and you’ll be okay.

If youve not really come to terms with your own mum passing away (or even not being the parent you really needed when you were younger) it can cause all sorts of defences and blocks to feeling (like anxiety, depression, overthinking, a need to control etc). Those blocks can take some excavating, which is why a counsellor can be really helpful if you’re struggling to let yourself drop down into feeling.

When I say ‘drop down’ I mean get out of your head. Let yourself acknowledge what it feels like in your body - grief can feel like a punch in the stomach or like your heart is breaking. Anger can feel like clenched fists, tension in your chest etc. it’s slightly different sensations for everyone but our language does reveal some commonalities (“heart broken”, “butterflies in the stomach” etc). Feelings tend to pass quite quickly when you drop all the overthinking and stories attached to them. They pop up again and calm down again over and over like waves, til the tide starts receding.

My mother is also like this. It’s so draining. You have to accept that a real narcissist just isn’t capable of really understanding your perspective.. with my mum it’s like she sees her children as actors who perform this role in her drama, not really as actual people.

So you have to just accept that she will never change, she will never accept she is wrong, she will never anpilogise and you can’t reason with her. So just don’t even try. You have to just let it go and try and let go of your angry. For me while I can’t forgive my mother for some of the truly awful things she has done and the fact that she was frankly a terrible mother I can understand that her behaviour comes from a place of deep unhappiness and it doesn’t make her happy to do this either. She can’t help it. That helps me be less angry.

But that is also easier to do because I moved away for uni and never went back and I now live 500 miles away. I keep in contact but it’s in a fairly superficial way. I don’t need or accept anything from her (for example child care/financial help) because she just uses that in her weird power games. She hates that by the way but really you can’t give oxygen to the fire because she will always go one step beyond what a reasonable person will do.

Husband at the start of our relationship would question me on the lies his mother told and would believe her over me which caused alot of upset. Thankfully as the tears have gone buy her behaviour has become undeniable and DH also wants nothing to do with his mother, he is ashamed of her and feels sad

You need to see her as a different species who reacts in specific animalistic ways.

Very unevolved emotionally - like a scorpion or a hyena.

There is no negotiation, rationale or adaptation capability. They are very limited in their opportunity to grow.

What’s helpful is their predictability - you can find solace in reading up this species behaviours - like narc bingo.

Then you realise it has nothing to do with you whatsoever - a scorpion is going to sting an hyena is going to maul - it’s not ‘if’ it’s ‘when’.

What would you do in the presence of a hyena or scorpion? Keep still, don’t engage, slide away - same thing ‘grey rock’ ‘drop the rope’ - don’t play their games.

Emotionally detach and put in distance from the spectacle. Keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. Get busy filling your life up with healthy people and wonderful rewarding experiences. Don’t allow their antics to get under your skin or preoccupy your mind - don’t do the overthinking which is just a way to keep reliving the horror.

Step right back and step up to look down on the predictable agitation, conniving and lashing out of the crazy animal.

Your only issue / risk is getting too close. I had this with my MIL. My shame is that I tried so hard for so long to gain her approval. I back flipped and tap danced for decades (met my DH at 16) - until one day I thought why am I allowing her to hurt me by handing her the bullets to shoot me with? When I stepped back and stepped up I had the perspective that she had zero friends her whole life and was very difficult and disliked in her workplace. I cringe at the efforts I made to try to bring her joy, include her, etc when all I got back was sneering and undermining.

I stepped away 5 years before she died (I had been clawed by her for 35 years by this point!!) and that is the only way to heal and grow. No drama, no guilt, didn’t look back.

You also don’t need to convince anyone else to see what you do before you take action. They will have a different experience. My DH was the ‘golden child’ - he was adored and indulged by his DM. She was smart enough for her performance to be out of his earshot and sight line. I will also say that her mental processes where much faster than mine - she would have me tied up in knots before I knew what was happening. But if you are programmed as a scorpion or a hyena that’s how you survived - see everything as a threat and just go instantly in for the kill.

These characters are disordered and get worse with age.

Thank you, I am feeling all of these things, when I wake up my stomach is in knots my heart is really heavy. It gets better if I’m busy , but if I’m not she goes around and around in my head, i recite what i really would like to tell her but i know it would be disastrous for me if i really did speak my mind.

Distance and time. Go completely no contact. Delete her from your life. Take up therapy.

These are not humans you are dealing with, rather demonic specimens whose sole aim is to dehumanise you. They are psychopathic and soulless.

I am still healing and have discovered that the PTSD that it has caused has at times put me back into a loop of reliving the trauma by putting myself, consciously or subconsciously, into similar situations with similar individuals. I accept that I will probably need lifelong therapy in some shape or form to help me stay on track and never again become reinfected with narcissistic poison.

Get busy with yourself, your DH and DC, your home, your livelihood, your pets, your passions, nature and all that is good in this world x

It’s important to sit with the discomfort of these sensations. They are physiological in nature and need tending to - which means paying attention to them - observing - does it have a location in your body, does a a shape / colour come to mind. Note the intensity and know that these physiological sensations if allowed to be sat with and metabolised will dissipate and fade in on average 90 seconds - keep noticing the sensation and don’t allow in to become ruminating thoughts in your head - because that can last a lifetime and your thoughts can escalate and morph into actions or behaviours that can backfire and sabotage your life.

Thank you all for your advice. I feel that I would feel much better if I could have a good rant and a scream at her about everything she has ever done and then completely block her.

She would love that @Autumnscoming234 . So much of her behaviour is designed to have you react. Then she could play victim.

There is no closure. That's one of the many hard things about having had these people in our lives. The only thing we can hope for is calm once we have untangled ourselves from them and their dramas.

Why would it be disastrous?

You absolutely mustn’t break NC. She will invent some Mystery Illness or similar drama to try to reel you back in so she can continue to abuse you.

Ignore her, and any flying monkeys she sends in.

You will heal given time.

I wouldn’t rant at her, she will enjoy knowing how much she has got to you. An unsent letter might help you, but under no circumstances actually send it.

Because with a person like her telling the truth in a calm respectful manner makes her angry angry angry, I’ve felt the wrath of it before!

It’s called ‘narcissistic rage’ - when a fragile ego is pricked.

NEVER put yourself in the line of fire or WORSE hand them the bullets to shoot you with by calling them out - you will be punished and emotionally injured.

Thats why ‘grey rock’ is the only way forward.

You are not dealing with normal or rational here - you are dealing with a reactive, animalistic specimen. Consider her a scorpion or a hyena - you wouldn’t try to negotiate with either of these.

Also try not to need others to see how she treats you or approve of your decisions. That’s irrelevant and is you abandoning yourself and your feelings - either others already know what she’s made of - or she is charm personified to them - which is another part of the narc character. Kissing-up and Kicking down.

Thank you, you describe it with great understanding