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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents always letting my young children down

27 replies

Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 10:50

Would I be unreasonable to cut contact?

My parents have said they would come see my children all of about 10 times over the last few months, It comes to the day and they cancel.. I'm not talking about looking after them, just visiting for an hour or two to see them.

My three and five year old absolutely adore their grandparents (god knows how as they never see them.) Every time I tell them they're going to see them they get so excited, then I have to deal with the tears. I've stopped telling them that they're planning on coming over as I know they'll most likely cancel. I'll be on face time with my mum and she will say she's going to come see them so that's how they know when their let down. I was actually on the phone to my mum the other day, my little boy asked if he could come see Grandad to which he just replied "no" in quite and abrasive voice then said he'd see them the next day.

I can't take them to go visit them because they have allowed my druggy brother to move back in, I refuse to have them around him. - understandable right? The last excuse for not coming to see them was because they wanted to rearrange for next week because they had to take my brother to a universal credit appointment that day. He's 29 years old so they're prioritsing their druggy son over their grandchildren.

My in-laws are absolutely incredible, they cannot get enough of their grand babies and actually ASK to have them on a regular basis. Seeing how amazing they are and how strong their bond is just makes me so angry at my parents for being the way they are.

My children always come first and I feel that if they're treating them like this, should I really let them keep doing this time and time again? Also worth noting that they live minutes down the road from us.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 27/09/2025 10:58

You cant control people like this it seems on here all the time when people have children they think everyone else's lives stop and they must do whatever the parent has decided on

They are not chess pieces who come out of the box to suit your needs

Sliceofbattenberg · 27/09/2025 11:00

My parents are differently but equally rubbish and I think we do need to protect our kids from disappointment. Stop talking to your parents on the phone when the kids are there. If they want to come round and talk to you, they can.

MidnightPatrol · 27/09/2025 11:01

I’d just address it with them.

We love seeing you, the kids find it really hard when you cancel. Can you only say you’re coming if you’re 100% sure, else I have to manage the fallout from that.

ExtraOnions · 27/09/2025 11:03

“Druggy” or not, he’s still their son, they love him, and the want what is best for him - which will be to come off drugs, which hopefully he is.

As the sister of a former Heroin addict, I understand how hard it is to have an addiction in the family but, getting annoyed at your parents won’t help.

Maybe there are more complicated reasons around why they cancel, than the example you have given. What’s the relationship like normally? Do they feel comfortable in your house ? Has the subject of your brother out a strain on things,

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:04

@PollyBell have you actually read the post. I'm not expecting them to be "chest pieces that come out of the box at my request".

They say they'll come see my children and let them down every time. Bit different. 🙄

OP posts:
PickettWhiteFences · 27/09/2025 11:06

They are being U for breaking promises, but has this only been a recent thing (i.e since your brother moved back in) or has this been happening for years? if it is the former I would cut them some slack as they have obviously got a lot on their plate. That said, I would still be taking a step back - stop asking them over etc and lower your children's expectation.

Drug addict or not, your brother is still their son so I can understand they would want to priortisie him.

I get its frustrating as we are in a similar situation ourselves, my PIL are bending over backwards for BIL and SIL due to various circumstances BIL and SIL have found themselves in. The end result is that PIL have not been over in months.

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:07

@Sliceofbattenberg It's just heartbreaking isn't it? I'm going through a pretty tough time at the moment and could really do with her support but I just don't feel as though I can talk to her anymore. It's just growing into resentment x

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:07

@Sliceofbattenberg It's just heartbreaking isn't it? I'm going through a pretty tough time at the moment and could really do with her support but I just don't feel as though I can talk to her anymore. It's just growing into resentment x

OP posts:
AMillionTomorrows · 27/09/2025 11:08

Their druggy son needs them more than their grandchildren right now. Tell them to stop making promises they can’t keep and let your kids enjoy the attention of their other grandparents.

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:09

@MidnightPatrol I have addressed it before, I'm just at the end of my tether

OP posts:
ShodAndShadySenators · 27/09/2025 11:11

I would prioritising your children's relationship with your in-laws over those of your parents. Just drop the rope with your parents and focus on the contact between the grandparents who are making the effort rather than trying to force the ones who are not.

It seems terrible to you that your parents are so involved in your druggy brother's life, but you are ignoring the fact that he is THEIR SON. Incredibly, parents don't always view their children with the same dispassionate view as a sibling who is filled with resentment. But you can't make them not care about their son and trying to help him, so leave that be.

You have put strong boundaries in place that your children will not visit their GPs' house because your brother is there, and seem to think that won't affect your parents' feelings. It looks like it does though, doesn't it? They're promising to visit then rescinding that, over and over. Their behaviour is telling you something.

Don't FaceTime your parent when your kids are around, and don't let them know if your parents have said they will visit. Then the kids won't get expectations. At this time, focus more on their other GPs as they will benefit from that.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 27/09/2025 11:15

I haven't seen my df for 27 years. Because my dc would be sat waiting for him at the window. Like I used to as a dc.... Just drop the rope..
But think on when you own dc grow up and inevitably have some sort of issues with relationships /friends /or more negative problems like drink /drugs you most certainly won't cut them off. Having adult dc is one harder than small ones.. Ime.

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:15

@PickettWhiteFences This has always been the case, the only difference is that I now can't take the kids to see them when they ask.

My brother has been moved in and kicked back out more times than I can remember for stealing and having dealers that he owes money to knocking at their door at stupid o'clock in the morning. He had actually tried to push my parents to stay away for a night, they didn't and a guy came knocking at the door saying he was there for the Xbox so he was obviously arranging to steal my dad's console.

My mum had a major operation (on the table for over 6 hours). I was there for her throughout it all, he hadn't bothered her until months after when he wanted to move back in.

There is no strain between myself and my brother, I actually went over while the kids were at school and told him I was proud he was trying to get himself clean again. I just don't want my children around him.

OP posts:
cramptramp · 27/09/2025 11:17

Don’t tell your children when they are supposed to be coming. If they still keep cancelling on you I’d say to them turn up if you want to but don’t make arrangements. If we’re in, we’re in. If not ….

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:17

My parents do understand why I don't take my children over, they've told me this before.

My Auntie is also an adict and my mum cut contact while we were younger.

OP posts:
GAJLY · 27/09/2025 11:30

I had similar, I hated that they blatantly lie to the kids. One day I decided to say after they promised to visit, "no they won't! They're fibbing and won't come!" The kids quickly realised it was true then stopped asking them. When they suggested visiting the kids said, no you won't, you never come!" Now they understand and don't bother with them.

mindutopia · 27/09/2025 11:37

Drop the rope. Stop making plans with them. Make the most of your lovely in-laws and really facilitate that relationship. Stop calling your parents or being available. Yes, it sounds like they have a lot on their plate. A child with a drug addiction is a huge stressor (you would prioritise your own child too over everything), but they need to have boundaries. If they won’t, you can.

defrazzled · 27/09/2025 11:38

I wouldn't cut them off, just ask them to stop making plans and cancelling. If they mention plans to DC say "Well, that is not confirmed yet and GP often change the plans last minute so lets not say that now ok" and control the narrative.

topcat2014 · 27/09/2025 11:40

Sorry your parents are so shit, OP. No excuses for just cancelling all the time. They need to only commit to doing stuff they can manage. But then, I have a very low tolerance for flakey people.

Now (late) DMIL didn't even come with us to collect now late DFIL from hospital - as she needed to go "shopping". I just don't understand how some people didn't get the memo of how life works.

TorroFerney · 27/09/2025 11:43

At this point the onus is on you to change what you do rather than expecting them to change. I have similar but my daughters a teenager so I’m just straight with her that her grandparent is totally self absorbed and it is no reflection of my daughter as a person. It doesn’t stop it being upsetting though. I just don’t see mine much. I think when the other side is lovely that is harder but don’t reward your parents for their lack of interest it’s their choice. Mine has chosen a dog over me and her grandchild which I find quite galling !

TorroFerney · 27/09/2025 11:44

defrazzled · 27/09/2025 11:38

I wouldn't cut them off, just ask them to stop making plans and cancelling. If they mention plans to DC say "Well, that is not confirmed yet and GP often change the plans last minute so lets not say that now ok" and control the narrative.

I agree , don’t cover for them op.

Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:51

@GAJLY I think they might be too young to understand this but I will try to think of a way of telling them this in a more toddler friendly way

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon662120622 · 27/09/2025 11:59

Sorry I don't have the time to reply to everyone but I really do appreciate hearing how others would respond to this situation. It's just a shitty situation to be in, my little boy and girl love their "marmar and dandad" and cry that they want to see them. They get their hopes up, then get let down and it breaks my heart seeing them get so upset at my parents doing.

This hasn't only been a problem since my brother moved back home, It has just made things harder for me as I now can't take them down to see them.

OP posts:
Jack2025 · 27/09/2025 18:24

Slightly different situation but due to my in-laws ‘not bothering’ with my boys, my husband told his parents that they’re either in or out of our children’s lives… in your shoes I would give your parents one more chance and one chance only and if they let you down, then so be it…

Winter2020 · 12/11/2025 22:11

Jack2025 · 27/09/2025 18:24

Slightly different situation but due to my in-laws ‘not bothering’ with my boys, my husband told his parents that they’re either in or out of our children’s lives… in your shoes I would give your parents one more chance and one chance only and if they let you down, then so be it…

I think it's harsh to force your parents to visit at the minute when their addict son is trying to flog their stuff for drug money.

It's a tough situation for your parents as well as you and your kids.