Feeling exhausted, 11 week old baby, just turned 3 year old and feel like I can never get a break!

[Biosblbay]

I don’t know if I am being hormonal or just a bit lonely or maybe there’s a bit of resentment but my husband goes pub every Friday 7-11/11:30pm, he also works very long hours and doesn’t get home until after our eldest is already in bed for the night, usually around 7/8pm so he is hardly at home to help. He sometimes goes out at weekends but rarely, most of the time we have people over like friends or family, he does the occasional bit of golf here and there in the week, he travels for work occasionally and stays away, but we do also have his family round a lot and his friend is round regularly so it’s not that he doesn’t see anyone. But I’m currently laying in bed trying to get my 11 week old to sleep and I am really struggling. I am exhausted, I do most night duties apart from Fridays and Saturdays, but the problem is with a Friday he isn’t back until late anyway so I’m left to do mum duties until he gets home, but I’m so exhausted that I just want to be able to relax, have a bath and go to bed but he isn’t here. So the only full night sleep I really get is on a Saturday which doesn’t always work out if we have people stay over.

I’ve just sent him messages out of frustration that I feel very lonely, I’m exhausted and I don’t think it’s fair he goes pub every Friday night and maybe he should do every other Friday, it just doesn’t seem fair.

Am I being unreasonable?

I forgot to also mention, the baby has been non stop crying and I don’t have him here to help me. I know he can’t always be here b it he is away so much anyway that I am left to be mum 95% of the time.

If it was me it would be a mass of seething resentment not just a bit! It’s really not fair if you’re having to do five bedtimes a week by yourself. I found it so tough going from one to two children - in particular dealing with bedtime when everyone’s exhausted - your three year old needs you and the baby is at its most irritable! He should absolutely be there on a Friday evening to help and to give moral support/pour you a large glass of wine.

No you are not being unreasonable, those first few weeks/months are torture.

Why does he feel the need to go to the pub every Friday? How about he has some beers at home and lets you have a break.

Did he respond to your message? X

He is being massively unreasonable…!

To top it off my 3 year old is now crying while I’m feeding baby 😩 he is in bed but shouting mummy. I just feel in left to be the only parent in this

You have the same age gap I do and I currently have a baby and 3 year old and as someone mentioned I'd be a mass of seething resentment if my husband did this every Friday. We've both had nights out recently but not every week and we always check in with each other.

I can never understand husbands that are happy to just piss off for an evening knowing full well their wife is suffering. I'm incredibly fortunate in that my husband practically falls over himself to support me if I'm struggling and in fact can do both of their bath times and bed together with a lot less stress than it causes me!

@Anabla the difference with me and my husband, I would come home at the click of a finger, I even say to him if you need me to come home let me know and I’ll be home, he doesn’t do this and stays out and makes excuses. Just to clarify I have been out once since the baby was born so only ever had to say it once, but when it was just my son and I went out I would always make sure to check my phone and come home if he needed me. Some nights he has even turned his phone off when I have asked him to come home. We are very different that way. Like I’ve asked him to come home to help me now, I’m currently in bed with both kids now as they both needed me at the same time, asked him to come home but he just said “I’ll try and come home earlier if I can” - I hate it when he says “try”, he could leave whenever he wants, it’s darts with the local pub, it’s nothing important. What doesn’t help either he he goes out a lot more than I do which I then do resent to some extent, even if it’s away with work it usually results in drinks and a nice meal, he gets to stay in a hotel and have a break.

YANBU OP, at all. In this situation my husband going out would be a rareity, sounds like your husband gets heaps of time off from parenting with work, golf etc. he doesn’t need to go to the pub every bloody Friday, he should be at home supporting his family and being an equal team mate with you.

Sorry YANBU and he is showing you he does not care about you. I am all for keeping independence when you have children but it really can go on the back burner for a bit when your baby is so little. Turning his phone off is just awful behaviour.

I would be really rethinking this marriage. The weight of resentment is sometimes more emotional energy than you would use if you had to deal with two children alone.

YANBU at all - you need bloody break! What on earth is he doing at the pub whilst you're dealing with this on your own. It doesn't matter if he works long hours at work - even very stressful jobs rarely compare to what it's like dealing with small children all day - he needs to step up now. Does he give you time off while you get to do hobbies like golf - doubt it! Have a serious word

Wow - tell him to get the fuck home right now or don't even bother coming back ever.

What a massive twat.

Is he yet another one of those "taking care of kids is just a slack off, but also simultaneously far too hard to expect me to do on my own" wankers??