To wonder what it’s like to have a parent that actually supports you instead of causing you stress

[frostybritches]

My mother has some serious MH issues and alcoholism which she categorically will not seek help for. Her mood changes like the wind and some days she can be pleasant and fairly normal, other times she can be a total nightmare.

She is neurotic and yet passive at the same time. She won’t ever make a decision or do anything proactive that might improve her life. Some days she is drunk by midday. I made it clear I would no longer engage with her when she was drunk a few years ago but I still hear about her bothering people for lifts, favours and generally making a nuisance out of herself when she’s under the influence.

Needless to say she has never offered any form of childcare or practical help in any way (not that I would allow her to look after my young dc anyway). But having been out with dd today and seeing loads of grandparents enjoying time with their toddler grandkids I just felt really sad that I/dc don’t have that.

I am resentful of my mum for not helping herself or taking accountability for her life. She causes me so much worry and hurt. And all I see around me is family and friends with really loving, supportive mothers.

Oh op that’s so tough. I’m sorry your mom is so disappointing. All you can do, I guess, is resolve to be a better parent and grandparent and take solace in that. How bloody disappointing though.

I definitely try to be better for my dc. It’s just so frustrating.

My foster child had a Mum like yours. His was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Even when he was in our foster care she managed to upset him by not turning up to contact. Eventually he stopping being bothered by her and refused to see her at all. I know it's not the same but could you make a really good friend to go through life with instead of your not very maternal Mum? It is sad you can't rely on your Mum for support though. You have every right to feel upset by that but don't let it define you. Widen your support net.

My mum had a very difficult, stressful mother.

As a result, she was adamant she give us so much better than she received, especially in terms of emotional support, building confidence, acceptance etc.

I know it's a shitty situation you are in but it's not your fault. You deserve far better.

You are/will be a wonderful mum yourself as a result of her mistakes and knowing the impact of them.

I sympathise with you a lot and the feeling of sadness. The previous poster had a good idea, widen your circle and maybe try to find a ' substitute'. What about your in laws could you cultivate a loving relationship with them?
I too feel sad when I see loving families out and about, fathers at the school pick up and on holiday. My son is an alcoholic and has been a nightmare to us, his ex wife and our grandson. He is supposed to have supervised contact but regularly lets everyone down.We do our best, help her as much as possible both with childcare and finances.They are doing just fine. We'll never understand what makes someone from a good home become an alcoholic. It is so very, very sad. You are doing amazingly well, she is the only one who can change and if she doesn't everyone around her suffers. Keep your chin up don't let it get you down.

Thank you all, I know there is no point comparing myself to other people’s families and situations but it’s hard. I’m not a perfect mum but I can’t imagine not wanting to improve myself if it were for the sake of my relationship with my dc.

Your post resonates with me so much, you are doing fantastically well, keep your chin up. I too feel sad when I see happy families out and about, wish with all my heart it could be my family too. Drink is a demon.