To speak to school about DD10 friendships

[Dearodearo]

TDLR - autistic DD fobbed off best friend for another girl. Best friend has done nothing wrong & DD cannot give solid examples / is now leaving best friend out. AIBU to speak to teachers and see if they can help

Me and DD10 are both autistic so I'm really not sure if I should get involved or leave them all to it

I don't want to drip feed but it's also very long so I'm trying to keep it to the point but the back story helps

Autistic DD has fobbed off best friend and is only really doing it because she's become friends with another girl ( A ) who doesn't like best friend.

Prior to best friend, DD had no friends, was bullied, physically attacked and had really poor MH about going into school. This went on for years. She became friends with best friend & the impact it had on her was so so positive. DD became so much more accepting of herself being friends with best friend. Similar interests, similar style of speaking, they made a nice little group of SEN children ( there's 5 or 6 and at least 3 are autistic)

I've noticed she had stopped mentioning best friend and didn't run off to stand with her in the school yard despite best friend approaching and saying hi. When I've spoken to her about it & shes said best friend is being mean, she's not been able to give a solid example of friend being horrible aside from best friend had said DD had cheated in a game and they argued over that.

Today best friend ran up really excitedly to tell DD about a puppy in the yard and she always still says hello to me... and I really don't think she's the type to be horrible to DD and then still say hello to me,

I heard friend A calling best friend a dick head to my DD on the phone last night so I made DD end the call

Friend A has always been okay with DD but they've never been close. Friend A was actually friends with the group that used to bully DD but never got involved. This year school have put DD and all her SEN friends in 1 class and the bullies in another. Friend A is now in my DD's class

I've tried telling DD she can be friends with both and I've told her she isn't to leave best friend out because there was a time she used to be left out and it used to really upset her

To me it looks like friend A is slowly turning DD against best friend and I feel terrible for it. I know DD is her own person with her own mind but at the same time she is vulnerable socially and she does have form for going with stronger characters because she can be a people pleaser with them / likes how assertive they are ( I've seen her behave similar with family members )

I just think she's making a huge mistake and I wouldn't like it to get past the point of no return. Their all starting high school next year and I feel like friend A won't be seen for dust and her friendship with best friend may have ended up with such bad feeling their won't be any coming back from it

DD and best friend are both going to the same high school very close to our housed and they both live maybe 10 minutes away from each other. Best friend is going to be in the vicinity for at least the next 5/6 years. I'm not saying they always have to be as close as they were but I really need her to think about the future consequences of making someone feel left out and how this could impact her in the future

I'm hurt on best friends behalf, she has been a really good friend to my DD and now 3 weeks into year 6 DD is actually being really unkind in my eyes

I'm aware I've wrote too much and I've tried to keep it short but it's things like best friend eating on her own at dinner, best friend asking to be sat away from DD in the classroom because DD keeps ignoring her. Whether I'm overstepping or not I dunno but I just feel so bad for best friend and I'm really annoyed at DD for getting drawn into behaviours like this, I've even said to her you remember how that made you feel when people left you out and ignored you

I think given that DD is autistic, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to speak to the teachers and explain that she is having difficulty navigating this current situation and isn’t dealing with it in the best way. That she might need some support to ensure she navigates her friendships in a positive way that doesn’t hurt others. I think it’s really good you’re aware of what’s going on and the impact it might be having on your DDs friend.

This sort of thing is very very common at this age.

it’s tricky to get involved in either as a teacher or as a parent because you are basically saying that she should continue to be friends with someone because she was helped out a while ago, and the reality is that especially at this age friendships are very fluid and do change.

it doesn’t sound like the other person is a great friend but it’s very hard to persuade a child to stop being friends with someone, especially if they see them everyday at school.

Her autism is why I wonder If I am "allowed" to help guide her in the right direction. I know they have to make their own mistakes but from my own mistakes I can see times where it would of been better to keep things civil with people in the long run and I wish I'd of been warned about future consequences of things ( we were both only diagnosed last year )

This is it, it's the hurting others that's bothering me. I can imagine how her friend feels right now and I feel terrible that DD is making another person feel left out and excluded especially when I have cried over DD feeling like that in the past, and I felt helpless because I couldn't stop other children stop excluding her.

Thank you

I think I would, more on the wavelength of encouraging her to be friends with both or at the very least not be mean to the best friend. Ignoring her or not letting her sit with them, is basically the same things she experienced and not nice behaviour to encourage or at least accept from her at all. She can learn to be civil to someone and friendly, but isolating them is mean. Having the teachers perhaps explain things to her more literally could help, as it's a 3rd party which isn't you.

I'd also get her to have some more friends like join clubs like drama, great for confidence and stopping the people pleasing, music or sports like netball or gymnastics etc.

I honestly gave no idea how 10 yearnold friendships navigate I only really remember my high school friendships

Ah see that's what I want to avoid I don't want DD to feel like she owes anyone anything just because they helped her or been kind to her ect which is why I havnt said anything to DD about how much I feel best friend has helped her.... I only mentioned it here to show the difference in best friend and friend A

It is difficult, I wouldn't want her to stop being friends or force her to be friends with anyone, i just don't want her excluding or ignoring someone who has never been unkind to her and someone who DD is still going to see frequently for the next 5/6 years.

Deep down I would prefer if she stopped being so friendly with A and went back to best friend 😅 but I know that would be unreasonable of me to push

Ideally, all 3 of them could be friends but friend A and best friend are not keen on each other

Yes I have said to her she can be friends with both but I can see she is struggling.

I was quite stern with DD this morning as best friend had walked past us and said hello to us both. I'd said to DD she was to make sure best friend was included in the group today ( their friendship group is around 5 or 6 ) and then a few minutes later when we walked further into the yard is when best friend ran up talking about the puppy.

It's the unkindness of it all that's upsetting isn't it. I just cannot believe DD would let someone else feel the way she felt and to say it's the person who stopped her feeling left out, makes it even worse

Ahh thank you for the reminder!a few week ago her school sent out things for a drama Club that's opened in the area, I'd completely forgot about that

I'm also a recovering people pleaser so I am trying to teach her as I learn but more friends and hobbies will definetly help her