My in-laws make me feel like shit

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I have always found my relationship with my in-laws quite tough. They are very up and down, sometimes cold sometimes warm, sometimes welcoming sometimes not. I often feel like shit when leaving their company, and hate the lead up to seeing them as we don’t know what we will get. It feels like I’m constantly trying to make people like me.

My in-laws are very opinionated and often give there opinion on our relationship or parenting. Myself and DP have been through a rough year which has put a lot of strain on our relationship. But I get the feeling that my DP having to right some of his wrongs, is my fault in their eyes as he could not possibly do any wrong.

Anyway since having our DD who I love dearly and is my world, I can’t help but think why would I also have to put DD through a lifetime of this.
I leave my DP to making the effort with them as they make none with us, but I almost feel guilty for that.

I’ve grown up in a tightly knit family and we all make equal effort with eachother because we want to see one another. When we do see each other it’s a positive experience however with the in-laws it’s always hostile or on edge. I don’t know the best way to approach it all

What does your partner say?

I think you're doing the right thing just leave your DP to do what he wants with regard to socialising with his parents. No need for you to see them.

I have never managed to get on with my in-laws, despite them being basically ok people. We just don't gel. I used to deal with them -organise visits, manage the relationship - then one day I thought 'fuck this why am I doing this?' and I said to DH that I'd make as much effort with his parents as he makes with mine, which means I turn up, I'm polite but I don't do anything to organise anything. What a bloody relief that was! They're just not my responsibility and there's no point in trying to make a relationship with someone who I'm not compatible with.

They're too involved in your private lives, why do they know about you and your boyfriends issues?

Just leave him to manage his contact with them, as you're already doing, and stick to topics like the weather if you do choose to see them.

@confused57 he recently opened up that he sees the difference between both families and that his is dysfunctional

I try my very hardest to not give my opinion on his family as I don’t think it’s fair, but I know he can sense, by how uptight I get when he mentions going over, what my feelings are on it all.

He doesn’t force me to go over, he is pretty chilled on it all but it just makes me feel like a terrible person.

having boundaries for yourself does not make you a terrible person.

if it makes you feel better, think of it as role modelling for your child that it is acceptable to have minimal interaction with people who don’t make you feel good.

Let your husband manage his parents. And go as low contact as you can.

I have also felt really guilty about not liking DH's parents. I've known MIL for nearly 25 years - you would think after all that time we'd have a lovely relationship but she irritates the living hell out of me and I just can't warm to her. I've flip-flopped back and forth over the years and I've tried to make things better but it just doesn't work. It is hard, but there probably not much you can do about it. If your DH is chill and doesn't mind then that's a big bonus - it'd be much harder if he really wanted you to have a better relationship with them.

How do his parents know so much about the ins and outs of your relationship?
I think, unfortunately, having opinions on your parenting is really just par for the course in many cases but you can opt to just shrug it off. You’re making the right choice, I think, in limiting how much you have to do with them. Let him go, he can do what he likes, but stick to your guns with not bothering yourself.

I'd also urge you, if you can, to support your partner is addressing the realisation that his family is dysfunctional. My DH had to come to terms with the fact that some of his parents' behaviour is not normal - it was difficult for him, but it had a big positive effect on him and on our relationship.

If you stop going it becomes very obvious that you don't like them which can make life very difficult. You put your DH right in the middle of what can become a family feud, and your children will also be forced to take sides. Just be polite and don't get invested in what they think about you, if you are seeing them very often discuss with your DH reducing how often you all see them to an amount you can cope with.

Don’t sweat it, you do not owe them your company.

I withdrew all proactive effort to bond with my ILs after 15 years of trying after one incident that have opened my eyes to where I stand in their priorities. I didn’t say anything, just quietly stopped calling, suggesting to invite them or go out together.

DH visits regularly but CBA to arrange anything beyond a courtesy call, DD left for uni and they ended up having a very limited social life, it became clear how much I drove this out of desire to be liked but nobody would admit this. It’s been 6 years now since that day and I only wish it happened sooner.

Channel your energy to where it is appreciated or on yourself - they genuinely do not care.

A lot of this seems to be you making yourself feel like shit/guilty or whatever
Drop the rope, leave them entirely to your DH and have as much or as little inupt as you want.
They are not and will never be the people you want them to be so accept that and settle into the relationship you choos to have with them, whatever that might be

You need to stop feeling guilty for a start, no idea why you feel that!

But it doesn't have to make you feel like a terrible person. That feeling is entirely within your control to change. You can't change how they behave. You can't change their opinions but you really can change your response to them.

Just rationalise it. Remind yourself: they are difficult to be around, judgemental and temperamental. This has a negative effect on me and I choose to reduce and control time spent with people who make me feel bad without cause. So it's 100% fine that I minimise contact with them, both for myself and for my child as I have every right to protect her from such negativity, too.

Also, when you do have to be around them, practise Grey Rock techniques. Use a couple of stock replies to any questions designed to corner you. Simply never ever respond to barbed comments. If they press you, just say something like, 'I'll think about that'. If they are being unbearable, use the trick, 'Excuse me, I just have to...' Or 'Oh - I just remembered!' and walk out of the room without finishing your sentence. Leave the room for as long as you need.

If you want or have to keep contact with them for family's sake, try the trick of going out with them rather than staying in with them. Having poisonous people in your home who won't leave, or feeling trapped in their home is horrible. Instead, arrange to meet them to see a show or a film (no need to even speak with each other) or other organised event that has a start and end time. That way they still get bragging rights among their friends about seeing family but you need minimal effort.

Sounds like a narcissistic family. They’re such great fun, I know the exact atmosphere you speak of.

Sorry to say, we like to think their sons are normal black sheep (escapees) but eventually they become just like them. I have nothing to do with his family anymore, I refuse to be around narcissists any longer.

You need to decide on your boundaries. I’ll bet your husband doesn’t protect you when there, right?

If you make as much effort with them as they make with you, you have no reason to feel guilty. You say you feel like you're always trying to make people like you, why is that? Just be yourself and if they don't like you, so be it. It's their loss. Let your DH deal with communications and just turn up when you have to, smile, be polite and let their comments roll off you like water off a duck's back - their opinions aren't important. I'm not sure why they would have opinions about your relationship with your partner, who is discussing it with them?

They are not responsible for your feelings that is on you they also cant fit into whatver box you want to fit them in people dont work that way

You grew up in a different family to your partner and your comparing one to the other - that’s natural.

But a lot of what you’ve written is your interpretation rather than factual. Perhaps that’s just how you write but it makes me wonder if you’re making assumptions about how they feel towards you that aren’t necessarily true. “I feel, it often feels, I get the feeling, I almost feel”. And of course their own son can do no wrong in their eyes!

It’s fine for you to leave your partner to manage his own relationship with them, and for you to just take them at face value. But beware of projecting any of your feelings around this onto your daughter. She is their grandchild and she may grow up to feel very differently towards her own grandparents than you as you your in-laws.

@NameChangeForThisQuestionOnly may be the way that I write.

Factual:

• Don’t say hello when walking in the house
• Rarely invite us over for dinners but will do with other children and partners
• Never contact us regarding meeting or seeing GC unless we arrange it
• Belittle things that I say or take offence to any opinions I may have, which are very few. Arguing black is white if it means not agreeing with me.
• Have asked them to politely follow the things we do with DD when she was born such as feeding changing routines, but were ignored because they know best.
• On past occasions I’ve been glared at in the house, or not acknowledged at all.

These are a number of points, but as I say there are days I’m welcomed with open arms. So I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

My parents are very impartial when it comes to any issues we have and stay out of things between the pair of us. Maybe they are just not for me.

Sounds just like my parents I used to come home from school get glared at and ignored , have gone to visit as an adult been greeted with a glare and ‘ oh it’s you’ they made an effort for the first 5 years after we had their only grandchildren but then it all reverted back again I see them fit briefest time possible , make polite conversation , don’t tell them anything important and go home and sing jet them spoil my day , don’t worry about them they won’t be worried about you xx

Go as low contact as you can