Why does DH get to decide his time is more important than mine?

[BlueBiscuit26]

Mum to a toddler and expecting my second - halfway through third trimester. Struggling with dealing with DS who is in terrible 2s stage. Share nursery drop offs with DH - pretty much set days based on working patterns - we do 2 days each.

He had an early 8.30am call today on his day, so I offered to do the drop off. Was speaking to DH this evening and said ‘when you drop LO to nursery tomorrow can you ask them xyz’, to which his response was I can’t do drop off tomorrow, I have a call at that time. Bit annoyed that he just told me he can’t do drop off on his day again, rather than asking me if I could, and just expecting me to pick up the slack.

If it was just that one instance, I think I would suck it up, but had a horrible morning this week on one of my days where DS was resisting being put in the car seat, twisting and rolling and fighting me, basically reducing me to tears (of frustration, not helped by pregnancy hormones and being tired) and I specifically asked DH to come home on time to help me in the evening with bedtime etc. He hadn’t messaged by the time I was due to do nursery pick up to say he had left so I called him, and he was just ‘finishing something off at work’ and then would leave. I log off to make DS’s tea, do pick up, etc, and then log back on in the evening after bedtime if I have stuff to finish, he could have done the same in this instance, especially as I had asked for the extra help that evening.

I feel like I’ve been pretty ‘chill’ during my pregnancy, and just getting on with it, gritting my teeth through hip and pelvic pain, lack of sleep etc, but had a midwife appointment this week and have been referred for an urgent growth scan as bump is measuring small, and am just fed up with DH’s lack of support/empathy at a time when I need it the most.

Have you spoken to your other half about this? 🤔

In answer to your OP .. because you let him.

I did, his response was ‘I don’t want to be the dick that says he can’t make the meeting tomorrow’ and then stormed off upstairs to his study under the pretence of having work to do.

You have my sympathy OP - also working full time, toddler and half way through my third trimester.

I don’t think they get how physically, mentally, emotionally… everything pregnancy is to deal with. Plus of course your normal busy routine on top.

We have had exactly this conversation multiple times in recent weeks - me asking them to at least express a bit of empathy towards me, or take on additional responsibilities so I can get some down time.

If they had anything like the multiple limitations of late pregnancy… they’d be off work and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I’ve developed insomnia this week (on top of usual sleeping badly, waking to need to loo frequently etc) and suddenly they have started saying they have it too - they have no idea…!!

Sending sympathy. I remember finding it a rough time when I was pregnant and my older one was in Terrible Twos.
It gets so much better though.

Re the partner, you're not being unreasonable.

Apparently he does want to be the dick whomloves his co-workers more than his wife, though.

What an arse.

So he'd sooner be the dick to you and not support his family

So depressingly familiar.

This!

When he said he couldn't take DS to nursery tomorrow why didn't you just bat the problem back to him... "Hope you manage to sort out how to get him there. I can't do it for you tomorrow I'm afraid"

Same with the pick ups. Split them between you and if he has an issue doing his days, bat that back to him too

Unfortunately this is classic situation.

The fairest thing to do is not pick up his slack. Don’t take the toddler to nursery; he’ll have to do it before or after the meeting. Don’t pick up on his nights etc.

He knows that there’s a limit as to what you will do because ultimately it’s the toddler who suffers. He knows you care more about them than he does. That’s their weapon sadly.

Id like to say it will get better when you’re on mat leave but it probably won’t. The only families I know where this is not an issue is those where the dad took a decent portion of the parental leave. The best thing you could do for your future family equality is encourage him to take 3 months or so off at the end of babies first year of life. He does the stay at home role, on his own, whilst you go back to work without the stresses of nursery etc. If he won’t even consider this as an option then I doubt there’s much about him that’s going to get better when there are 2 children to consider.

As a people pleaser I understand being conflict avoidant. But sometimes you do just have to be assertive and spell it out.
I have 3 kids and on occasion my DH has acted like that with me. At first I was politely trying to make him see... and then I was more heavy handed. I just spelt it out and I said next time you do this to me I will do it back to you randomly so let's hope you can pull childcare out of your arse so you can go to work.. I seriously will just go do something giving you very little notice and just leave you to pick up the pieces because you have to.
Of course he was angry and gave it blah blah blah... but he's not done it since. So I think it hit home. And I genuinely would do it if I had to to prove a point.
I also do not avoid conflict now I have 3 kids with him. I just straight up tell him I think something is unacceptable if I think that. I have made it very clear I will not just pick up his slack.

I actually said this to him last night. His justification was importance of the project he was on and how it was helping him with his visibility with leadership, and making a name for himself which would support future career progression, all of which I want for him. I would just like the courtesy of being asked if I can do drop off as he can’t rather than him assuming I will. My job is no less important than his, we both have the same working hours, and I’m the higher earner but I’m the one who has to be more flexible for some reason.

Well courtesy is a very fair expectation OP. He is justifying his rudeness on the basis of why, but he didn't think to discuss this with you, he just "assumed". And that is where he is being a dick. Even if he had a career-critical disciplinary meeting at pick-up time, he should have asked if you could pick up the dc. I'm sure you would under the same circumstances.

It's not that you are refusing to be flexible, it's that he is failing to consider you as an equal.

Only dicks treat their wives like that. Misogynistic, self-absorbed dicks, who think deep down (or not so deep down in your husbands case) that anything they do with the children is a special bonus favour to YOU, and in fact you are very lucky to have this "help" because really it is all your job. Ask him why he doesn't think you need to be consulted about a change in the schedule, and ask him again, would he treat his co-workers with such high-handedness?

I don't want to make you too angry at him as he might not realise he is doing this. but I think you should calmly spell it out to him. Just make him think it through with the roles reversed.

deleted as someone has already said it.