Manipulative mother

[junefrog]

I’ve gone low contact with my mum after years of difficult dynamics. She often puts me down, scapegoats me, and acts like I can’t make my own decisions. I’ve grown up walking on eggshells around her — in my family, you don’t challenge her.

A few months ago, she gave me the silent treatment for weeks, then went on holiday and sent me a long text about what a horrible person I am. After that, I decided to go low contact.

Recently, she and my sister messaged my son’s abusive dad to make arrangements for him on my weekend. I calmly messaged her to say please don’t make arrangements. It took a lot of courage to contact her despite being nervous.

Today I got this text from her:

> “I haven’t messaged him. It’s very cruel of you to cut us off from seeing X. I hope you realise how upset Y is at not being allowed to see us.”

She also showed up at my son’s school unannounced with sweets this afternoon which she didn't tell me about. It feels weird and wrong.

My son isn’t upset at all. We have a strong bond. He comes to me with things and is forthright, not scared to express his feelings or views.

It feels like classic narcissistic behavior: projecting her feelings onto me, trying to guilt me, and disregarding my boundaries. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but it genuinely feels manipulative, controlling, and inappropriate, especially given the history with my son's dad.

AIBU for feeling hurt and annoyed by this?

YANBU. Contact the school and let them know she is no longer allowed to interact with your son. She is not allowed to show up, and if she tries to get on school grounds, she will be told to leave. Don't tell your mum you've done this, as typically with narcissistic people, they'll start to behave sickly sweet until they get what they want. I'm sure you're aware of that, though.

Best wishes to you, OP. Sending hugs

Thanks so much for this. It's hard to know what's normal and what's not.

Has anyone else experienced similar with parents and how do you stop feeling so sad and angry?

Bump.

I've just picked my son up from his cubs camp and my mum and sister collected him yesterday and took him out for a few hours. I had no idea and wouldn't have said yes to this. They didn't tell me, they just turned up at his camp and took him. I'm absolutely furious. What do I say to them?

Well for starters I’d be complaining to the camp for allowing him to be picked up like that and reporting them as a safeguarding concern. And then report them to the police just so it’s on record they kidnapped him for several hours

That’s a huge safeguarding issue op. You need to complain loudly. You also need to tell the school what’s been happening and that you don’t consent to them collecting him or giving him sweets.

That is absolutely dreadful OP. You should raise a safeguarding concern - what happened is unacceptable. If you don't wish to do it face-to-face, you can do it online: https://www.scouts.org.uk/information-for-parents/keeping-children-and-young-people-safe/
As a pp said, I would also speak to the school and withdraw any consent you may have given in the past and specifically tell them under no circumstances are they to have contact with your child at the premises.
Finally, speak to the police and report what has happened.

Any mother that keeps in friendly contact with her daughter abusive ex is utterly toxic and untrustworthy and doesn't have your child's best interests at heart.

Definitely complain to the scout leaders that your mother did not have your permission to take your son out of the camp so them releasing your son to your mother's care is a safeguarding issue that you are duty bound to report.

Yes I went through this 10 years ago! My relationship with my mother was always difficult due to her very narcissistic behavior but when I had my own kids I realized just how bad it was. I had one 'lightbulb' moment one day when she went too far with me. (Became physically abusive to me because she wasn't getting her own way) I realized I had to go no contact for the sake of my kids. I don't recommend that for everyone though, depends how destructive she is in your life. Mine was on the very severe end and I actually feared for my childrens safety. She also turned up at their school unannounced so I took a picture of her in and told reception to not let this lady take me kids under any circumstances, they took it very seriously thankfully. Long story short, I did have to call the police on her a few times as she started stalking us, she also took me to court to try to get access but she failed at that! My children are all young adults now and I'm so glad I made the decision I did even though it was so difficult, I'm a different person today for the better, I was a shell of myself when she was around. Only you know how bad your mother is and the impact on you and your kids. I was angry at first but I'm at peace with it now, I actually feel sorry for her as she has ended up alone but she's burnt bridges with everyone who's been in her life, I think it's actually incredibly sad 😞 But these people rarely change and it's a shame, I wish more than anything I could have a normal mother daughter relationship with her but it just can't be 😞

Sort the safeguarding thing first. Everyone needs to know that these people aren't allowed to take your son from their care. If they insist then police should be called.

Personally I think I'd probably try and move somewhere else where they don't know where you are.

Check out the stately homes threads. Sadly many have been through what you are going through. You will get good advice and a listening ear on there.