Sex offender around children

[Impartialopinions]

Would you, under any circumstances allow a registered sex offender (previously jailed for rape with other reports of abusive and coercive control made more recently since release) around your child?

How would you feel if a friend who had previously reassured you during an earlier conversation that she had done a Claire’s law on said sex offender and it didn’t return anything serious had actively encouraged him to be around not only yours but also your friends children whilst knowing he’s a registered sex offender? (she knew this as social services had stepped in months prior and banned him from being around her child)

Timeline:

Had conversation around Jan/feb about Claire’s law and it just happened to come up and she said she had done one on him and said there was only minor assault charges from his youth

March onwards he was around my child

July she had no option but to disclose the information to me due to being put on a child protection plan and divulged he had been banned by SS from being around her son since February! Therefore she needed to make sure I wasn’t going to mention seeing them in eachothers company to their nursery who are involved in the SS plan.

Shes been majorly struggling with her mental health so I felt I couldn’t bring it up at the time (there was other outing things going on in July which meant it felt impossible to raise this issue)

I have now raised the issue and she has exploded at me calling me a bully. She’s saying I’m treating him like a paedofile - I explained that I don’t care what’s gone on with him in his past but if he’s not deemed fit to be around her child then I’ll trust SS on that, not someone who withheld this information from me for several months. Her argument is that he’s not banned from being around all children, just hers, because SS deem him a risk to her, not him. I told her she wasn’t safeguarding her child and I will.

I don’t particularly think he is a risk to children but feel like it was never her decision to make, knowing what she knew. Whilst I didn’t expect her to tell me off her own back he’s a SO, she just should never of encouraged him to be in the company of my child or anyone else’s.

Also now I’m in a horrible position of knowing what I know whilst being asked to keep it to myself, knowing they’ve had other friends children in and out of a padding pool naked in their garden.

I feel sick to the stomach over it and it just seems bizarre to me how blasé and dismissive of his crimes she actually is. She’s done all the SS courses and abused women courses so she should be able to see through any manipulation but either she’s too stubborn (which sadly I think is the case here), she’s being manipulated by him to believe it’s not a big deal or she genuinely doesn’t see the issue with a sex offender being around her child?

Am I in the minority here? She’s trying to persuade me I am…

I am not defending this man but can you please clarify...
His offence of rape as an 18! Year old man was against a 17 year old girl?

I cannot see anything to say he's a paedophile or has harmed children?

His more recent abuse was to a partner again not a child?

I'm not saying it's right but there is nothing to say he's harming children, just not a nice person.

I would not be near him. My kids would not be near him. I would be keeping communication open with my friend and encouraging her to talk to me in case she becomes a victim too.

This was the plan, until she become so intense I had to ask her to give me some space, then I raised the fact I wasn’t happy she encouraged me to have my child around him, when I said this she absolutely exploded at me on the phone. Had she of said she can understand why I’m hurt and she’s sorry things would likely be very different but the fact she can’t respect my decisions for my child and defends her choices to encourage her SO partner to be around my child without me knowing has made me realise that she’s not actually a friend, she doesn’t care about me, my feelings or my children. Just herself and her SO partner unfortunately.

Also the last relationship he was in - I think 2-3 years ago he was arrested and jailed for abusive and coercive control/abuse. He was later released and no convictions were made because the victim later retracted her statement. So though the rape was around 15 years ago he clearly has other issues which confirms to me that there’s still some work to be done. Either way I wouldn’t want him around my child knowing this.
This victim was also to blame apparently too.

Where a person is a dv perpetrator they are seen as a risk to children in that relationship. Its recognition of the effect of raising a child in that environment

Oh really? I’d run an absolute mile from this entire thing. Feel sorry for her child though, dragged into this with no option to stop it.

From my experience, it is perfectly possible for a sex offender to have conditions of ongoing freedom. One of these maybe around not being unsupervised with children. If she is perceived as being potentially stupid enough not to supervise her child with him, then they may have had to introduce extra rules to protect her child.

This is what she says but due to her lies, naivety and inability to safeguard her own child I can’t trust what she’s telling me is true or whether it’s a more palatable version of the truth…in which case I can only imagine the truth. As far as I know there’s more convictions or reasons for concern about him being unsupervised around children/her child. I don’t trust liars when it comes to most things, certainly not with my children.
I was really hurt and wanted her to understand that but now I’m just really angry after her reaction, how dare she!

Follow this advice.
this is not a healthy friendship.
where is this friendship going to go? Sounds like more toxic. Get out now.

I am out.
She’s been blocked as after she exploded at me she bombarded me with voicenotes calling me a bully and comparing this situation to me being abused in a past relationship.
I just worry for the child now.
I feel like SS know more than she’s letting on and they’ve threatened numerous times to take the child from her care so she mustn’t be compliant or showing signs that she’s aware of the risks - she thinks she knows better than anyone sadly. I don’t think they’ll be leaving her to it anytime soon.
Half of me thought I could make this thread then unblock, send it to her and block her again just to give her food for thought as it seems she has people around her enabling her bizarre mindset but as there’s been one comment questioning why he’s being assessed as a risk to children I know she would dine out on that one comment and use it as confirmation that she’s doing the right thing.
The most bizarre thing is she doesn’t even seem to like her partner, she complains about him constantly, bosses him about, speaks to him like a child and nit picks at everything he does. Don’t get me wrong even after bringing all this into her life he doesn’t help the situation and can be very immature and thoughtless but she likes to completely dominate and control him, using this situation to justify it!

The information you have from her is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Let SS know he’s been around kids, let other friends know if they also have kids who are around him, and stay away from her and him.

She is NOT your friend.

Tell your friends. Tell the nursery. And realize that she's not telling you the whole story.

In all honesty, he probably isn’t a risk to children if his victim was the same age as him. He’s highly unlikely to be a paedophile if that’s the case. But I don’t think that even matters really. The fact is that he’s a convicted sex offender and his offence was rape. I don’t think 99% of parents would want a rapist anywhere near their child (or even near themselves, frankly) - not because they think he’s a danger to children, but simply because he’s a fucking rapist. If your friend is happy for her and her kids to hang out with total scum that’s between her and social services but it’s outrageous that she hasn’t let you and anyone around her make their own informed decisions about it.

If she was my friend she’d be dead to me at this point.

He’s been banned from being around her child.

Take your lead from SS and don’t let your child around him, ever. In fact, I’d drop the friendship altogether.

I don’t think OP has the full story.

Please let the nursery know what’s happening, you need to safeguard her child. You’ve no idea if anything you’ve been told is truthful. His history could be much more complicated and minimised.

This sums up my feelings on it.
I feel like I’ve been completely manipulated by her using her mental health into scaring me into not approaching the situation how I wanted to. She’s known my thoughts on having him around her child since the day she told me and it caused her to absolutely freak out but without exposing too much identifying information it wasn’t the right time to raise it and hasn’t been since for certain reasons.
Shes had social workers with her in her home for long periods each evening since then and he’s in work during the day so I haven’t had reason to believe she was still having him around her child and others or I would have had to step in and tell her that it stops and essentially blackmail her into doing the right thing.

She sounds really vulnerable to grooming and manipulation and can’t protect her child.

It’s quite possible she doesn’t know all the facts. Social work are not allowed to disclose convictions as the partner has rights. She’ll have just been told he can’t be around her son, which makes it really easy for him to tell her anything.

However, you have to protect your children and yourself. Report what you know to social services, you can do this anonymously. Then stay away from her and let social services deal with her.

A violent man is a risk to children because if he kills the mother and the children are the only witnesses, then there’s a good chance he will shut them up by killing them.

I would not even entertain being in the same room as the rapist, never mind questioning whether your child should be

This would be the last time I’d see this ‘friend’ and I’d call social services to tell them just how dangerous she has been towards other people’s children.

I sincerely hope her own child is removed from the care of someone who does not give a shit about their safety.

I don't think you have the full story either. About his history, about their relationship, and probably about SS concerns about her parenting.

I don’t know if this is possible, but could you put a Sarah’s law request in yourself? Explain that this man has had access to your children (and others) and you’ve since been made aware of some of his history and that SS have said he’s not to be around your friends children so you want to find out if you should be worried for your own children and your other friends children who don’t know any of this? I don’t know if they’d tell you anything as you’ve already decided to keep your kids away - but they might go to the other parents directly if they are at risk.

I agree with the others though - report this to SS and to the nursery. If your friend can’t put her kids first, she needs intervention fast.

Can I ask, would you be angry that you had your children around him before your friend revealed his convictions? My child was 2 when first around him…

Strange how she is using similar tactics to him in manipulation and coercion to get her own way with you

You would be flabbergasted by the number of women who put a sex offender ahead of their own children’s needs. Honestly it’s mind blowing.