How to deal with a stubborn child?!

[Helpmee1]

I’m just really lost in how to deal with my 10 year old daughter. If I’m being totally honest she reminds me of my MIL. She has the exact mannerisms and personality. I will just give this past 2 weeks and examples. This is just a snapshot:

I was talking to a parent about an upcoming sports event whether parents can watch or not as during school day so I can request time off work, no communications from the school at all. DD kept interrupting me. She told me that she knows all about it and I don’t need to ask anyone! She told me parents not allowed to watch I did email my question to the school to double check but I got no response (the school are bad at responding). I forgot about it till today. DD comes home and is upset I wasn’t there! I asked her what she’s talking about! And she’s repeating a completely false story. Apparently the mum I spoke to told me yes and DD said yes too but I’ve decided not to turn up.

there was a letter about an art competition where kids can win prizes and I was really excited to show DD and I told her we will buy some arts and crafts to make the Halloween picture over weekend. She starts arguing that we’re not allowed to do at home, we have to do in school! The letter is very clear. There’s also mums on class WhatsApp talking about this project and it’s clear the kids do at home. I just spoke to DD to think of some ideas she could go but she starts screaming that she’s not allowed to do at home and must be done in school. I know once deadline is gone she will have her own narrative of how I stopped her doing this and she wasn’t entered into a competition,

I just don’t know how to deal with her. I have other kids too and it’s not the same, they will listen and understand but with her it’s scary as she completely changes the story (gaslights me?) sometimes I wonder what the truth is until another one of my children or my DH confirms that she did in fact say such and such but now has a different story.

why is she like this? My MIL is very similar but I avoid her but I can’t exactly avoid my own child! How can I fix things?

She sounds less stubborn and more just a blatant liar.

Tell her to write it down, so she absolutely cannot deny it

Video her saying it, she can't exactly deny saying it or change her story if it's there to show her.
can you phone school and ask them to confirm with your daughter that it's to be done at home since she's adamant it's not?

You write everything down. It’s her that’s missing out. No craft, no competition entry. (Parents will be doing it anyway). Every time she lies you must stand your ground. Let her have a tantrum. Let her read the letter. You’ve dodged a bullet with craft at home. Every time she has a tantrum after lying, no treat.

Give her more independence so she doesn’t feel like she has to fight for it.

Consider ADHD traits (not saying she is ADHD but the needing to do things by the rules and being worried about doing it wrong. Potentially struggling with working memory etc).

Is your MIL neurodivergent 😂 is that where it comes from. Other than that, she’s not your mother-in-law.

Get everything in writing and go through it together. And notes and lists are helpful.

Thank you all for your advice. I went through a lot with my MIL who used to call me a liar every time I tried to talk to her about her behaviours! I went through so much. I just feel really triggered every time DD makes out I’m lying! I do feel like I’m going crazy sometimes and I know she’s only 10 but I get so wound up. Recording her sounds like a good idea or maybe better how about I ask her to write down incase I forget but in reality it’s so I can have a record of the event?

I think some people can't bear to be wrong. My DP is a bit like this - I think sometimes he genuinely doesn't remember but also Ihe doesn't want to think he was disorganised or forgot or whatever so he creates a narrative where it is someone else's fault. Tiresome. My ASD child is a bit similar - they don't blatantly lie but they would never take responsibility which is infuriating as natural consequences make no sense to them as they twist the whole thing in their head as to how I am mean that they have missed out on whatever when actually they didn't get dressed etc and that is why we were late. I spend a lot of time trying to model that it is ok to get something wrong and make a mistake and how to deal with frustration and when we do something wrong and hope that it is somehow slowly getting through. What do you think is behind her behaviour?

It doesn’t sound like just been stubborn. Either she is misunderstanding info (in which case why? Hearing would be the first thing to check) or she is choosing to lie (again why? - perfectionism meaning she doesn’t want to do it? Embrassement? Or some thing else).

You need to dig a bit deeper and figure out what is happening and why.