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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want some headspace from this friend....

8 replies

Secretsrevealed · 25/09/2025 18:15

I have a friend who is out of work and hasn't been able to find a job in their field all of this year so far.

They were fired from their last job due to insomnia making them sleep in a lot, but they never went to the doctors about it, and played a lot of computer games all night whilst they couldn't sleep, as well as fueling the issue with alcohol some nights.

Whilst I have every sympathy for their situation and have been nothing but compassionate, their constant negativity about the situation is starting to wear me down, every time we hang out. They blame the potential employers for choosing the wrong people to hire, they blame the job centre for making them go to weekly meetings and wasting their time when they say they could be working on building their portfolio, and they blame the boringness of job applications for their depression.

Now recently something really difficult and challenging came up in my life and I didn't mention it due to a history of them minimising my circumstances (I'm a single mum with disabled child and my own disability). Eventually they pushed me to share a little bit of my issue and I did. It's something I have no control over. Every time they've been moaning, I've tried to be optimistic and encouraging and say things like 'you can always look in other fields for now, just for something to do and for the money', 'you could join hobby groups to meet people'. I've encouraged them to maybe use their skills to freelance, but they're not interested, and I've given them business ideas they could use their skills for which I said I'd be happy to help set up and get involved in. I've pointed out local services where they could socialise as they're so bored also, and offered them to come to the gym with me. All they want to do is hang out and order take away with me and watch TV.

I try to remind them that it could be worse, they could be in my situation as a single parent, and it's easier for them to find happiness, because they've got their whole day to do whatever they like with to improve their situation and they respond with things like 'your situation isn't even an issue'.

They just can't seem to get past their dissatisfaction with their employment situation and find other positive things to focus on, or a new direction to go in, and they're putting all their negativity onto me when I need positive people around me right now.

OP posts:
Secretsrevealed · 25/09/2025 19:28

Bump....?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 25/09/2025 21:19

You have my sympathy! I would be keeping my distance from them and focussing on less draining friends…

Secretsrevealed · 25/09/2025 21:31

bluejelly · 25/09/2025 21:19

You have my sympathy! I would be keeping my distance from them and focussing on less draining friends…

Thank you! They even said tonight, 'anyway enough of the negativity, talk later, I can barely even smile...'

And I thought but that's still dumping negativity on me. They text every day and I don't know how to withdraw without causing upset.

I don't get it, they have plenty of friends, own place rented, young, can go anywhere in the world if they're not happy here.

OP posts:
MyPinkTraybake · 25/09/2025 21:52

I couldn't manage to be around that negativity.

Have you heard the monkey on your back theory? You run around with stress on your back then dump it on someone else.

Op, you cannot change someone. Tbh if they are 25+ and negative it's their personality.

Secretsrevealed · 26/09/2025 00:34

MyPinkTraybake · 25/09/2025 21:52

I couldn't manage to be around that negativity.

Have you heard the monkey on your back theory? You run around with stress on your back then dump it on someone else.

Op, you cannot change someone. Tbh if they are 25+ and negative it's their personality.

Thank you, I wasn't sure if I was just being sensitive because of my current difficulties and not being compassionate to them, but thanks for confirming it from an outside perspective that it is negativity.

What's the monkey on the back theory? Because I'm sure they've dumped it all on me and there's still a monkey there.... 🤣

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 26/09/2025 00:43

Nope I'd be done after 'your situation isn't even an issue'. Take a break. Reply tomorrow, when she messages, to say you're not well and you're going back to sleep. Give yourself a good few days off. It will be worth seeing if she offers you any help. I'm guessing not.

Secretsrevealed · 26/09/2025 00:55

PullTheBricksDown · 26/09/2025 00:43

Nope I'd be done after 'your situation isn't even an issue'. Take a break. Reply tomorrow, when she messages, to say you're not well and you're going back to sleep. Give yourself a good few days off. It will be worth seeing if she offers you any help. I'm guessing not.

They were gonna come over today but I just said I was gonna rest instead. They have helped me with some decluttering this week, and I fixed them up lunch to say thanks, but it was at the price of being moaned at constantly, so it's not even worth it. I invite them to garden with me sometimes as I see it as a positive thing as they get to do something therapeutic and I get a hand with my garden, but there's always a moan still about something in their life, even though they enjoy the gardening and don't moan about that. And it's not that I even expect the help, I just say 'oh I'm busy with xyz' which is true and they offer to help as they want the company.

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 26/09/2025 01:00

I agree with some of the posters upthread. In your position I would begin to step back from this draining relationship. You have your child and health to consider and if you fail to care for yourself it could have an impact on your ability to be an effective parent and provider.

You say that you have supported your friend with suggestings of things she could do to help herself, She has rejected every suggestion and is unwilling to make an effort. Ive gone through prolonged periods of depression myself and know that in the end you have to get up off your ass and make take some responsibility.

You say your friend texts every day. You dont have to answer every text. Begin by only answering every other day and then maybe just 2/3 times a week. You dont have to leave the friendship, just cool it a bit.

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