Am I in the wrong or my husband

[worriesaway]

I don’t drive but I’m currently learning in my 30s my husband and I have 1 baby. I never used to ask my husband for lifts I’ve always been of the opinion of that I don’t drive so I find my own way to where ever I need to go. If offered and not out someone’s way I will sometimes get a lift offer petrol money or doing something in return. I’ve been chronically ill for a long time and occasionally have had to go to hospital late at night. He’s offered to drive me even when I’ve insisted I get a uber. Then when I was pregnant I had an awful pregnancy and needed to be in and out of hospital and wasn’t capable of getting bus on my own or taxi and just needed support but then what husband wouldn’t drive there pregnant wife when needed. Since having the baby I’ve not asked for lifts unless to do with the baby and I can’t get him there like early morning doctors appointment or when I’ve had a cold and it’s started badly raining. He recently started to get fed up with me being chronically unwell keeps making digs about having to help me. I recently got an infection on holiday had to get antibiotics today while baby was at nursery my other ear started being painful again I went to lie down and took some meds but when I woke the pain was immense. We both went too collect baby from nursery and on way I called doctors who offered me an appointment in half an hour I said I would get bus but he said no I’ll take you I insisted but he said nope let’s just go. He then on the way started moaning about having to take me I said you either offer to take me and don’t moan or don’t offer at all. I said pull over I will get the bus but he wouldn’t and drove me there. I’m dispraxic so very clumsy with adhd often loose things so I know he worries about me and that’s why he offers to help out but he resents me. Where as I feel like he tries to parent me at times I’ve tried to speak about it but we never resolve anything. I also understand that although I cope with my clumsiness being chronically unwell and all other quirks I can imagine it’s frustrating. I just can’t keep being made to feel guilty I don’t choose to be unwell. He also said that I shouldn’t mention my pain or symptoms as no need. In short My husband is really good when I’m unwell or need a little extra help but it’s after that I get the grief.

I honestly think even if you could drive, he would be offering you lifts on the situations you describe above.

If you were too poorly to take a taxi, you wouldn’t have been able to drive either! He offered the doctor’s run, presumably partly because you were already out and about together. It’s not anything two driving partners wouldn’t do for each other.

I must check the job description of 'husband'.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here. You're unwell and he's bringing you places. I'm sure it's frustrating for him at times, but he's also right at times that you shouldn't be trying to move yourself, you need a lift and shouldn't be trying to martyr yourself when you know, or should know, you can't do things.

You seem quite needy OP which is very wearing for your partner.

@Praying4Peaceim not needy just un lucky I’ve never asked him for much my friends that do drive ask there husbands to do more than I do. I don’t see how im needy when I’m only asking for help in certain situations. @Greggsitim not trying to be a martyr I just can’t deal with the grief I get from him helping me it’s constant I really just try do everything for myself so that he can’t have a go at me for him having to help.

Learn to drive?

I love my husband and kids dearly but frequently complain about having to give lifts. He isn't required to love taking you everywhere you need to be taken.

You shouldn't drive when poorly anyway.

He's your husband. I. Sure there are loads of things you do for him.

@dairydebrisdid you read the post I am having lessons and trying to pass I get the bus everywhere or walk unless in an emergency situation or where he has insisted.

I didn't drive for 10 years and my husband took me anywhere I needed to go without moaning about it one time. I think that's what the norm should be tbh.

This sounds like a communication issue to me, neither of you are clear of the others boundaries on lifts. Obviously it’s perfectly normal for couples to give each other lifts especially for things where the other in incapable like when you’re ill or for times that involve your child. However it’s also got to be annoying at times for the driving person. I think you should have a chat to clarify which times are ok to ask for a lift and which times it’d be better to get an Uber. That way you won’t feel guilty for asking and he won’t feel guilty for saying no sometimes.

Apologies, it was a really long paragraph and I missed that.

Im not sure I really see what your problem is though. He gives you all the lifts you need but sometimes is a bit annoyed about it?

I think that's normal human behavior. He's not an angel.

Youre adamant you dont ask for lifts unless you feel sick, but you're chronically unwell, the baby needs something, or its raining? Sounds like a lot of lifts to me?

Allow him a bit of annoyance about this, as long as he's giving you lifts when you need.

Good luck with your lessons!

He not just a bit annoyed the resentment is a lot today while doing nursery pick up the doctors offered me an appointment in half an hour I tried to get the bus but he wouldn’t let me. Drove me all the way there while moaning and being grumpy that he had to take me. I tried to make him stop the car so that I could get the bus but he carried on driving while moaning about me saying why couldn’t I have called the doctors another time.

I drive, I have a car, im not pregnant and I have no health conditions. My partner will always offer to drive me somewhere if he can, just to be kind.

i get that it gets wearing, being needed, and loving with other peoples long term health problems isn't easy, but this man is your husband. He is supposed to love and take care of you.

He moans about having to drive you to the doctors and he tells you that there’s no need to mention the pain and symptoms associated with your chronic illness?

He sounds like a bit of an arse OP!

It's awful to be sick, there's no doubt about that. It's also awful to have to be constantly accommodating to a sick person. He is probably fed up of this life he has, maybe resentful of what's involved but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he resents you as a person. It's a very tricky dynamic. I suspect its common enough too, one feeling resentful the other guilty and both frustrated.

He knows as a half decent human being he has to take you in the car, doesn't mean he doesn't find it irritating and annoying.
I have a spouse with adhd and tbh I end up doing all the mental load, bills, organising the kids. It takes lots out of me. Im allowed to be occasionally grumpy about it.

Do you have friends to have a good moan with? That keeps me on even balance as dh cant cope with too much of me moaning or complaining - he switches off or tries to fix it. So best friends are much needed outlet

When I started to read the post I thought "there's independent and then there's independent". If help is offered take it, that's part of being in a relationship.

Then I got to the bit where it turns out that he whinges about it and its what 😳?. If he offers he should do it willingly. I really don't understand people like that.