To expect husband to be more involved in our son’s life who has Autism

[PandaH7]

Our son is 4 years old and just been diagnosed with autism. He’s got a speech disorder and his understanding isn’t where it should be. I walk on egg shells a lot and have to pre-empt meltdowns. I feel exhausted but I feel alone in all of this. My husband fully accepts our son has autism, doesn’t have a “problem” with it but he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t share that mental load with me, he just treats our son like he’s neurotypical, so he’ll get frustrated if our son isn’t listening, isn’t following an instruction, isn’t settling down for bed etc. I have to constantly explain our son is doing this because of XYZ and he needs some support etc. I wish he had a close bond with our son but he just doesn’t. I wish he was more hands on, affectionate to our son. I don’t understand why he’s like this, because I know he loves him but he just won’t go out of his way to understand son’s autism. I feel it’s all on me to figure it all out and when I try to talk to him, he’s just disinterested. Any advice?

Your dh needs to learn about autism. Are there parenting courses specifically for autism that he could attend in person? If not there are lots online.

Firstly, your DH may be like this because it takes a while to come to terms with such a diagnosis in your own child. You have to "grieve" for the child you thought you had before you can move on emotionally.

Also, its likely that your DH is himself autistic, and may find it harder to process, show empathy for you both and so on. These things take time. Perhaps have a professional speak to you both, or do a cygnets course if there is one in your area.

I say this kindly, and from personal experience..

Hi OP.

Back in the day you were generally offered an in person course on autism after diagnosis. If not, have a look at the Local Offer page of your council. They might have local bodies that do. Some places even have fathers groups.

Please get him to take a course if you can. He needs to step up.

It's pretty rare to see dads at these courses. Women overwhelmingly take the mental and physical load. That's not OK.

He does lack empathy in general , quite possibly autistic himself to be honest.
We had a chat tonight once kids in bed about it all, he told me he just doesn’t get it sometimes and doesn’t have the patience. I couldn’t have guessed.
He took on board what I had said and tried to implement it at bedtime, like using the simple language, simple phrases rather than long sentences as our son has a speech disorder. I also reminded him about the podcast with two autism dads called Dadcast which may help him relate. I’ve also suggested that when the autism nurse calls for the post diagnosis call, he speaks with her too. He’s taken it all on board and I’m hoping things will improve. I don’t want to be the back seat parent, I want him to have his own ways with our son.

My 4yo DS is on waitlist for an autism assessment and until fairly recently my husband’s approach was all wrong - he was impatient, inflexible (!) and just generally escalated whatever behaviour was going on.
What has massively helped has been him listening to autism dadcast and also the audiobook of The Explosive Child. He’s also been forced to be more hands on as we have a 5 month old baby (I was very much the default parent before) and their bond is now the best it’s ever been.
As PP has said its also likely that your DH has some autistic traits

I could have written this. My DD is autistic and I have similar struggles with my husband. I have gone out my way to educate him, to help him understand her better. But seriously, sometimes I just think, why can't you just educate yourself? It's your daughter too, why do I have to do all the work here? I mean, we're living in an age where information is freely and easily available, on anything!
Sorry I know this isn't helpful to you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone!

It's pure laziness. Why would he get it? At the moment you are doing the parenting and the hard graft while he's holding his hands to the sky. Its weaponised incompetence at its best. You need to go out and leave him to work it out for himself. He needs to take DC out alone. You had to learn and so does he. Yes it's hard. Yes it's frustrating. It's even harder when you are doing it alone, carrying all the weight while someone else does the bare minimum.

I think this is really common, unfortunately. It's why so many parents of ND kids end up divorcing. Sadly, women continue to shoulder the load after divorce, too.

Dh has likewise struggled to adapt his parenting style. He's better than he was, but I feel like I'm constantly mediating. It's incredibly wearing.

My daughter is also autistic. We were recently signposted to a charity I think called Early Autism support who run parent courses. If you give them a google maybe you could both attend. It’s so overwhelming and each parent will have a different way of coming to terms with it and find it easier or more difficult to adjust to it. I think trying accepting that your husband may initially have a different adjustment period to you and perhaps have some counselling between you to talk about different parenting styles, aswell as your thoughts and feelings around the diagnosis will help you both align with each other and work more in partnership. It’s easy to get resentful and take on the emotional load but try to encourage gently your husband to come in side. If he is also neurodiverse this may initially be difficult. Living in a neurodiverse family can be challenging but also rewarding. Accept he isn’t going to be a perfect parent all the time but if he is present and trying his best that’s enough. Model the behaviour you want to see.

Did you point out to him that him "not getting it" means that all the responsibility is therefore on you to "get it", all the bloody time, and is that fair?

You know that asd is 70% as inheritible as height don't you op e.g. your child probably got it from you or dh? Autistic husband doesn't see it as a problem because he is asd . Lacks empathy is a very common 1.