She’s cheating on her fiancée and is gaslighting him!

[Malorcamum]

My friend is cheating on her fiancée with her ex, and they’re getting married in 6 weeks.

Our friendship group has four couples, and we’re all friends. We all clocked at the beginning of the summer that this girl was with her ex when her fiancée was out of town.

It’s pretty obvious there’s a lot of sexual tension there. You can feel it when they’re together. She told one of the girls she has feelings for him and she’s been staying over at his place. She specifically mentioned that she feels electricity when he brushes past her. She didn’t admit to any cheating but she has a history of cheating. At the very least, it’s an emotional affair as she’s been texting him constantly.

She hadn’t told her fiancée that he’s her ex. They only started talking again after he broke up with his girlfriend.

She told one of the girls in the group that she has feelings for him. This girl told us and we all feel very concerned. Her fiancée is a lovely man and two of the guys are groomsmen at the wedding.

We estimate that between her parents and her fiancée, £60k+ has been spent on the wedding (she’s been the driving force behind this). Her parents and fiancée have money but she doesn’t. She had a big expensive hen do, during which she bragged about the fact that he pays for everything and flippantly said that if it doesn’t work out, they can ‘just get divorced’. They don’t have a prenup.

So, the groomsmen say him down and explained everything to him. He then went back and discussed it with her. She’s still insisting this guy is just a friend and he’s choosing to believe her, for now.

meanwhile, she’s planning to stay at this guys place whilst her fiancée is out of town this weekend.

I feel sick. manipulated and angry. Aside from the lying and the disrespect she’s shown our friend, me and my partner have spent upwards of £1000 on the wedding, hen do and stag.

I just can’t imagine how someone could stand up in front of all their friends and family and lie about being committed to someone? I feel like she just doesn’t care about any of her family and friends at this point, never mind her fiancée. We’ve thought about staging an intervention with her but we don’t think she’d react well.

Not sure how I can sit through the wedding at this point 🫠 WWYD?

Well, you have two options really.
You either pull out of the whole do and accept that you'll be breaking up your friendship (doesn't sound much of a loss) or you go and keep your mouth shut and let her get on with it.
It's not your place to tell her partner, so I'd mind my own when it came to that, but personally I'd back out of the rest of it and end the friendship. I can't be mates with someone that selfish.
What do you imagine will come of any kind of intervention? I suppose the "best" outcome would be her partner finding out if you force her hand to tell him through an intervention, but who knows what the outcome of that will be? I always choose a drama free life, so I'd back out quietly and let her get on with it. Fuck getting involved in all of that mess.

Yeah, I agree. I don’t like getting involved in anyone else’s drama. She’s been very blatant about it to us- constantly talking about him and telling us when she’s staying at his. It’s like she wants to force us to tell him :s and now we have told him, she’s continuing to spin a narrative which we know is completely false.

Sadly I think I’ll have to stay quiet and go to the wedding, as my partner close to the fiancée so I want to support him. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to watch them say their vows though.

I can’t fathom the level of selfishness it takes to have all your friends and family spend time energy and money on a complete charade. Makes me sick to my stomach.

The friend she confided in (her confidante) needs to intervene.
She needs to tell her that either she comes clean with her fiancé, or it will be taken out of her hands.
Then, if she refuses, the confidante needs to either tell the fiancé herself, or get her OH to do it (if he’s one of the groomsmen).

Disgusting behaviour 😡

Sounds like she gets a massive kick out of being the centre of attention and the drama focal point. If he finds out, I'd put money on her having some sort of break down to garner sympathy and support and bring the attention to her.
If you have to go, then you have to go. I'd find it really difficult to sit there through the bullshit.
As her husband to be, I'd find it devastating if my close friends (as in the groomsmen) knew and didn't tell me. Are they all aware as well? While I don't think it's your responsibility to tell him, I'd hope of members of the wedding party knew, they'd let him know before he marries this woman.

I couldn’t sit there and be quiet . My own morals and lack of keeping my mouth shut wouldn’t let me . This guy could lose a lot of money if he marries her. Someone needs to make him see sense regardless if you haven’t got a friendship afterwards . No fucking way could I watch the car crash and do nothing .

next time she meets this ex could you find out where he lives and go and take photos of her car on his drive or outside his house or video call him and show him what she’s upto .

She shouldn’t get married!!! If this is the way she feels why is she getting married… maybe frame the intervention that way. She’s going to ruin both their lives

When I was first seeing my now husband he had a friend from uni who was engaged and getting married a few months after I first met her. I never got good vibes off of her and the wedding was mad; off the scale expensive after a huge hen and insane details like she bought him a £5k watch (or her parents did) which she her MOH presented him with on the morning of the wedding. it never smelt quite right but my husband was adamant that she came from a family with money and this was all in keeping with her life that he knew of (she had had a huge 21st birthday party in some palatial mansion, that kind of thing) and it wasn’t out of the ordinary. The fiancé didn’t come from money and frankly looked a bit rabbit-in-the-headlights every time I met him (and especially on the day). It was all weird.

Anyway, they married in the June and when we all met up at Christmas her husband wasn’t there and it was all a bit odd but the MOH took my husband to one side and said that the bride had been sleeping with a guy at work for at least a year and her husband had just found out and left her. Anyway, long story short, she was pregnant by the new (or not so new) guy by February and “celebrated” her first wedding anniversary five months pregnant with the other man’s baby. Honestly, it was better than Corrie.

I had no strong feelings on any of it from a moral perspective, she wasn’t my friend and I’m not the morality police, but looking back the massive wedding was wildly over compensating and I could just never work out why she did it. Years later she told my husband that she just didn’t know what to do and felt it had all gone too far so she had to marry him, but- as you say @Malorcamum- I could never get over how odd it was that she stood up and said those vows keeping such a big secret.

Anyway, it’s been 20 years and she’s married to the other fella now and they’ve got three kids so good luck to them, but the moral of this story is definitely that your friend shouldn’t get married in the middle of this quagmire. Take her to one side, show her this post and just say “you don’t have to do this”.

Sadly they did tell him and she’s somehow managed to convince him that this guys ‘just a friend’

I think you might be right about her enjoying the attention. Personally I’m sick of thinking about her, but my conscience won’t let me stop.

oh, and the other guy is coming to the wedding by the way 🙃

I’d probably say to him ‘I don’t want to hurt you but morally I can’t not say anything before the wedding. (woman) has told me she feels electricity with her ex and she’s now staying at his house when you are away; I have concerns that this isn’t a good way to start a marriage but knowing all of that, if you still decide to go ahead then I’ll be there to support you and say nothing further or this discussion’

And I’d genuinely stick to that. You’ve given the information and the choices he makes as his. I wouldn’t mention it ever again.

Well, he's been told and has chosen to pretend it isn't happening, so at least there is that and you aren't all sitting there while he blindly carries on with no idea.
I'd stop taking up your own time thinking about it now. It's not your problem to solve. Get through the wedding and then quietly drop the friend. She clearly knows your opinions and is getting off on the drama of it all and the fact everyone is focused on her. I just couldn't be arsed with it. She sounds like an absolute dick.

I was going to say that maybe her telling you all about it is because she secretly wants out and wants her fiancé to know, but he knows so that can’t be right…
if she had any morals she would stop chatting/staying with the ex now that her fiancé knows about him.

maybe she just truly wants to be the centre of attention and doesn’t care. Not much you can do with a sociopath like that!!

Personally I couldn't go to the wedding, regardless of my partner being close to the groom, I just couldn't go and see that sham spectacle unfold. I would feel uncomfortably complicit somehow. And it would send a strong message to the groom that maybe he needs to rethink what she has told him if other people are so convinced that she is being both untruthful and unfaithful that they would not attend the wedding. And the ex is going?! Honestly it's soap opera territory.

What a complete mess. The other guy can't think that much of her if he's happy to watch her marry someone else.

What does she say when challenged?

Update! He found out and called off the wedding. She moved straight in with the guy she’d been cheating with, but apparently she’d be willing to ditch him if my friend would take her back. Not likely!

The wedding was non- refundable, but we all went and spent the weekend in the accommodation and made the most of it!

My friend is doing well all things considered, and we are all very relieved!

Wow good result

Thank goodness and so pleased to hear it - thank you for the update!