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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abusive Ex seeking access to 6 month old DD

23 replies

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 10:08

Haven't slept all night as I have been writing everything down for my solicitor. He got there first , but he is seeking to have her on his days off. He is nasty and vile and has told his solicitor that I subjected him to verbal and physical abuse... really...

I started seeing WA when I was living with him. He is Nigerian , but has british citizenship and applied for a passport for DD behind my back and made my mum his flying monkey.

I'm looking to go for full custody no contact now. I'm not being subjected to more fabricated nonsense by him to health professionals like he previously did when I lived with him. I defended myself by saying if I was a threat to our daughter than why work 24/7 and leave me with her home alone...

He didn't know the law and let me leave with DD ( with no passport and withheld her pram seat) , now he has clued himself up and seems to be using a really good firm saying that I'm the abusive one ??!!!

I have a meeting Monday with my solicitor and she will be replying to that letter from his firm I'm guessing...

Sorry for going on and I could go on.

AIBU? If at any point tell me.

He put me through all because he doesn't want to pay money .

Not one nappy or penny towards his daughter this whole time...

OP posts:

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 25/09/2025 14:10

Is he on the birth certificate?

SpanishBaguette · 25/09/2025 14:41

Tell him you'll stop asking for money if he signs something legal to never bother you again. Not fair but you have to do what's best for you and your child.

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 14:56

Sorry just seen this - yes he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 14:58

I am just gonna take the matter to court now because I do not want to have to co parent with this idiot

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 25/09/2025 15:00

Ask your solicitor about the possibility of getting her passport revoked. He sounds like flight risk.

Upanddpwnislife25 · 25/09/2025 15:05

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 14:58

I am just gonna take the matter to court now because I do not want to have to co parent with this idiot

Courts are very unlikely to give you full custody. Very unlikely. Most likely you'll get shared custody

I have friends whose children have watched their father beat the shit out of their mother, drugs, alcohol involved ect and the fathers still get contact with their children ( in a contact centre )

I have full custody of my children, ex isn't allowed to contact or communicate with them or me, but family Courts didn't decide that, it was the criminal court. He was found guilty of assaulting me and they added the children onto the restraining order

bombastix · 25/09/2025 15:10

Yes. Sorry to say that excluding him entirely unless you have serious evidence of criminal conduct or child abuse is unlikely.

That said, you shouldn’t assume the court will believe him either. It’s designed to deal with your future claim he abused you. What the court will care about is the welfare of your child.

isthesolution · 25/09/2025 15:20

It’s extremely unlikely you’ll get full custody unless he has criminal convictions. You say he is abusive and he says you are - without evidence this is just he says she says.

Get legal advice asap but reconcile yourself now to the fact that he is the father with equal parental rights and you need to find the best way forward to make this as easy as it can be for the child.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/09/2025 15:28

It’s not for you to decide that he doesn’t get access to his child!

The child has a right to have a relationship with her father, unless he is deemed unfit to be a father by a court of law.

DaisyChain505 · 25/09/2025 15:39

Not what you want to hear but you need to separate you relationship with him and his relationship with his child.

Someone can be a rubbish partner but that doesn’t make them a rubbish parent.

You don’t get to play God and decide that you want to keep this man from having a relationship with his child.

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 16:34

So it's nice that when he was holding her he was saying to her mummy will be dead soon...right

OP posts:

bombastix · 25/09/2025 17:20

I get the unfairness; but you need some proof. The problem is that men like these are very manipulative. They emotionally abuse children to get at the mother. They like it. And yes they take care to ensure that there little evidence. You need some evidence though, so do you have texts, or other conduct?

When a child is young this is almost impossible to land with a court. It becomes he said she said.

The UK is not progressive on this. Why is another matter. And men who abuse women are also often poor fathers to their children; but you need some evidence. The majority of cases in family courts look like yours. The difficulty is obvious.

Hankunamatata · 25/09/2025 17:32

You need be smart.

Do the police have records of domestic violence?
Speak to your solicitor but from all the posts on here you need to seem reasonable like agreeing to mediation (if no DV) or start with contact centre. Very few cases will give you full custody unless there is overwhelming impartial evidence

Whyherewego · 25/09/2025 20:30

Deep breath. Good that you have a solicitor on board.

As PP have said, you cannot prevent contact. All you can do is lay out what you believe to be in the best interests of the child.
So are you breastfeeding? If so it is in her interests for you to continue, this means that you cannot be apart from her for extended periods of time. This will be taken into consideration.

Does he have a relationship with the baby? It seems not to date, so again, it is in her interests for this to be built up gradually. If he doesn't have experience with babies you can also suggest this is done in a contact center.
Basically don't fight access full stop. Argue about how access is given.

You can also use this as a start to claim CMS and make sure he understands that access will come with a CMS claim.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/09/2025 20:41

VenusJupiter · 25/09/2025 16:34

So it's nice that when he was holding her he was saying to her mummy will be dead soon...right

No, it isn’t “nice” however you have to separate your feelings.

When he does get access to his child, you don’t have to be there.

However I would strongly stress the importance of ensuring your solicitor knows about the passport and request supervise visits until the passport issue is sorted.

Cerialkiller · 25/09/2025 20:56

Are you breastfeeding? That could stop him having overnights until 2 or 3.

Otherwise short of evidence, not just you telling the courts nasty things he has said, he can (and seems already has) don't the same regarding you. Who will they believe?

Take the opportunity to collate evidence. Emails, texts messages, ring door bell footage, police reports etc etc. short of proof of danger to the baby he will be given time with her.

One thing to seriously consider is flight risk. Do you have any suggestion that he would take her? You can put a stop on her passport to prevent this but without justification a court will see this as unreasonable and give him permission to take her on holiday.

Re his bad nothing you to DD. Yes it's nasty, but she's too young for it to parental alienation.

I sympathise but I think you have a long battle in front of you. You would likely benefit from trying to appear to be the reasonable one here. Offer supervised time with DD at a contact center or a family member you trust, say any changes will need to be built up over time. He also doesn't get DD every weekend, you need quality time with her and not her stuck with all the cost of childcare and running around while he gets the fun and easy time.

Cerialkiller · 25/09/2025 20:58

Did you feel like his words to DD were a threat to your life?

You aren't unreasonable to want to stay away from him and you should absolutely go minimal contact. Time with DD should be facilitated by a third party so you don't have to deal with that.

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 01/10/2025 14:47

Hello everyone

Sorry for late reply .. had too much to sort out. Thank you all for responding - much appreciated.

So yeah I had the solicitor on Monday and I'm thinking contact centre might be the way to go.. we shall see.

Anyway the 14 day letter from his solicitor seeking contact runs out tomorrow. I'm still awaiting legal aid and my solicitor will only reply once this is in place. What happens if the time exceeds 14 days? I'm unsure my solicitor has done anything about. I'm sure she has maybe replied.. can't recall as it's all overwhelming. I have so much on...
Have phoned solicitor, but really hard to get hold of anyone amd they take forever to phone back because I guess they are in court maybe... anyway please put my mind at ease ahhhh

OP posts:

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 01/10/2025 14:54

Hello everyone

Sorry for late reply .. had too much to sort out. Thank you all for responding - much appreciated.

So yeah I had the solicitor on Monday and I'm thinking contact centre might be the way to go.. we shall see.

OP posts:

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/10/2025 16:57

You do know his solicitor holds no power don't you? Nothing will happen to you after 14 days.
His solicitor will write absolutely any old crap he is paid to..
My exh demanded via solicitor letter I remove my new blinds as he could no longer see into my new home.. Surprisingly the judge didn't agree with him and the blinds stayed up.
Until you get a court summons simply get on with your life. . Keep detailed records of any calls /texts /abuse or threatening behaviour.. Don't be afraid to ring the police if he turns up aggressive at your home.

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 01/10/2025 20:02

God they are awful. Thank you so much for your reply , you have given me peace of mind 🙏
I guess he won't escalate it to court and even if he does I have a ton of evidence.
My solicitor will reply to the letter though.
It's all financially motivated because he doesn't want to pay child maintenance. I think my CM claim and the fact he has to give us money now is what motivated him.
I can't bear him.

OP posts:

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/10/2025 21:10

Tbh no need to even respond to his letter. Why waste your money?

Original poster

VenusJupiter · 01/10/2025 22:25

Based in Scotland.. Do you think he has said I'm abusive to claim legal aid? Just have a feeling

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