To hope for a hug or a small apology

[SignMeUpToAQuietLife]

Backstory: I’m recovering from a major emergency surgery - due to having to rest a lot, I am still weak and not permitted to drive pending further tests. So a lot has fallen on dh over the summer months and I have tried so hard to help and tried to be super-grateful and not complain (I’m online-shopping, cooking, doing kids’ homework, doing household admin and many of the chores I used to do). I try not to talk about my pain or my recovery as I know it has become boring.

One thing I still can’t do is sprint upstairs - so in the morning rush today, I asked dh to pop upstairs please and fetch me several things I needed when he next went up. But when he came down he’d missed one item. Stupid argument follows with him saying I should have asked for it first time, I replied I thought I did, and he argued back. It was so petty and I tried to make a little joke to cut the tension but he became enraged and said if I wasn’t satisfied maybe I should go up and get it myself. It literally takes me 20 mins to get up and downstairs. I said that was a mean thing to say as he knows I would do it myself if I had time. He got angry and said from now on, I should make a written list of things I will need next morning and email it to him at night so he can check before I come downstairs that everything is in my backpack (I have to do it that way, as I need both hands free to get downstairs). I feel such a burden, and I burst into tears and I apologised and I thought he might comfort me. But no. I am not used to being dependent on someone else and it’s not about me being lazy and I try SO hard not to ask him to do things in an unplanned way (sometimes at personal cost to my dignity or wellbeing).I have repeatedly thanked him and told him how wonderful he’s been and I’ve sung his praises to friends and relatives so he feels valued. What the heck more can I do?

He hasn’t apologised. I guess just thinks I’m an over-emotional wreck and it’s not “on him” if I cried.

aibu to cry in this situation and expect dh to comfort me? I’m in pain, I’m a little depressed as my life has shrunk unexpectedly, and I’m stuck being dependent on someone who hasn’t got much patience left.

I do appreciate it’s difficult for him and i regularly acknowledge and ask what I can do to help.

aibu? What can I do to avoid these arguments?

You aren’t unreasonable.

but neither is your dh.

sorry.

i had an accident and had this issue. I genuinely did make a tick list of the stuff I needed to bring downstairs each morning and also bought multiples of things.

you are tired and in pain.
your dh is carrying a lot of the load as well.

tempers flared.

I agree with @Octavia64 — you’re both dealing with significant extra stresses, and had an argument during the morning rush, which is a stressful time even when things are functioning normally..

Things are awful for you right not and I do sympathise but he is only human and no matter how appreciate you are he is likely to run out of patience/sympathy at times - it doesn't make him a horrible person, any more than you are, you are both just trying to copy with a difficult situation.

O @SignMeUpToAQuietLife I'm so sorry. I understand exactly how you feel.

People don't realise what a huge effect this kind of thing has on your life. When your independence is taken away it's like a massive chunk of you personality is just erased and the feeling of being a burden is awful.

I was also in an accident and spent over a year in a wheelchair. It changed our lives dramatically. I was lucky that my husband got therapy from a trauma councilor who warned him of what to expect. It wasn't always easy, but we muddled through.

I'm so sorry your husband has not comforted you. Of course I understand that he is also dealing with a lot, but so are you.

Have a hug from me.

If he is usually helpful and not resentful, try to let him off and talk about it tomorrow when you are both a little further from the incident.

*right now (not "right not")!

I've recently been in a similar situation and it's very stressful for everyone. My husband was generally absolutely wonderful and didn't complain but every so often it gets a bit much. Once you both cool down, if he's generally a good man, I'm sure it will be fine. Hope you feel better soon.

Big Hug

its beyond hard xx

But It sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can in your situation.

what he said was cruel & yes - a hug & an apology for being horrid would have gone a long way.

he may be doing more now, but it certainly doesn't sound excessive with what you ARE doing. Being totally honest with yourself is he even pulling his weight kids/domestically??

Ypu didn't need tp make the snippy 'i thought i did' comment. This is strangely at odds with your narrative of being so appreciative of his help. Maybe you should be the one to apologise first?

The enormous strain you are feeling, he is feeling too
He is watching you in pain, worried about the further tests no doubt, seeing you depressed, unable to make any of that go away. On top of that he is taking a big share of all the household/kid stuff and ferrying everyone around.
It’s a lot. You know it is because youve acknowledged that here. He is human and had a less than perfect response in difficult circumstances
Let it go

You are in pain, DH is probably stressed and fed up also. It’s hard being in both of your shoes. Can anyone else share the load whilst you recuperate?

I'm so sorry that sounds really tough. Perhaps the tick list isn't a bad idea?

I hope you feel better soon. Take care OP.

If you’d read slightly further you see that she DID apologise,

I didn’t read it as snippy - I read it as she was trying to make it her fault not his, like she was saying that he didn’t forget, she must have forgotten but thought she’d said it. She wasn’t saying and arguing that she definitely did ask for that and therefore it was his fault.

Yabu to expect your tears to immediately diffuse and already stressful situation so that you get the comfort and apology. That comes across as manipulative tbh.

Thank you all, I initially bristled at the tough love from some of you but I think you are all right. It is hard times and I can’t expect him to be a saint.

Sigh. Big girl pants, will apologise againas I think I am probably a bit guilty of taking out my frustration on him with my comment and make tick list!

And also yes he always pulls his weight at home, he’s genuinely a pretty fabulous dh.

It must be hard for both of you, as human beings.
Sorry.
Hope you recover soon.
💝