Page 2 | 15 year old drinking at a 16th party

StingrayPlatypus · 2025-09-25T00:36:27+00:00

Hi, Just want to get a sense check. My 15 year old has been invited to his friends 16th birthday houseparty. There are about 30 kids going, a mix of 15 and 16 years old, male and female. He has told me tonight that the mother is supplying alcohol for the night. There hasn't been any conversation between the mother and I. I dont know her well but her reputation isn't great; her children were removed from her for safeguarding issues earlier this year. Is it normal to supply alcohol at a 16th? I am not naive enough to think my child has never touched alcohol, but I am surprised it is openly supplied to underage children. I'm in England if that makes any difference. What do you think?

Swiftie1878 · 25/09/2025 12:04

StingrayPlatypus · 25/09/2025 08:37

Rereading my post in the light of day I realise I missed a fair bit of information 😅
He has had a drink at family BBQs/special occasions (max two cans or bottles of either cider of beer) and when he goes to other people's houses and their parents ask if he is allowed a drink, I'll normally send him with two bottles of cider/beer. Within his main friendship group the mums communicate and send their child with what THEY deem appropriate. This takes the pressure off the host as they dont have to decide what is and isnt acceptable, and saves them a fair bit of money too. (On this - obviously if a parent was to send a kid in with absinthe or something, the host wouldnt allow it!) The most any kid has been sent with is a 4-pack of smirnoff ice. They are monitored when drinking, haven't been any issues and they seem to enjoy that we trust them.

My surprise is that another parent is providing the drink and hasn't had a conversation at all with me. I dont know if shes spoken to other parents. Her version of acceptable may be a bottle of vodka and them all doing shots.

My reaction has been to tell my 15 year old that he cant go - the alcohol queries alone make me nervous. I dont know enough about the detail of the safeguarding issues and child removal to comment really, but her lack of communication certainly doesn't reassure me!

Thanks all - DS is moody he cant go, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being OTT!

Well done! Good parenting.

notacooldad · 25/09/2025 12:05

I too feel there’s some missing information here. The OP says the other mother had her children removed for safeguarding reasons earlier this year**.
And yet she’s now hosting teen parties to which other parents are willingly sending their children - with alcohol?
I was jumping on the thread to say this!
On first read my thought was why are you letting him go to a party where there is known safeguarding issues.

I understand how difficult it can be to say no to a 15 year old going to a party that "everyone" is going to.

I would seriously invent an excuse that as a family you are doing something else that night. OK it might be avoiding the issue but I would not want my child there.

notacooldad · 25/09/2025 12:06

Cross posted with you op.
You have made a wise decision.

If your son is anything like mine was at 15 he won't thank you but tough! You are there to safeguard him.
Well done.

dcsp · 25/09/2025 13:09

StingrayPlatypus · 25/09/2025 08:37

Rereading my post in the light of day I realise I missed a fair bit of information 😅
He has had a drink at family BBQs/special occasions (max two cans or bottles of either cider of beer) and when he goes to other people's houses and their parents ask if he is allowed a drink, I'll normally send him with two bottles of cider/beer. Within his main friendship group the mums communicate and send their child with what THEY deem appropriate. This takes the pressure off the host as they dont have to decide what is and isnt acceptable, and saves them a fair bit of money too. (On this - obviously if a parent was to send a kid in with absinthe or something, the host wouldnt allow it!) The most any kid has been sent with is a 4-pack of smirnoff ice. They are monitored when drinking, haven't been any issues and they seem to enjoy that we trust them.

My surprise is that another parent is providing the drink and hasn't had a conversation at all with me. I dont know if shes spoken to other parents. Her version of acceptable may be a bottle of vodka and them all doing shots.

My reaction has been to tell my 15 year old that he cant go - the alcohol queries alone make me nervous. I dont know enough about the detail of the safeguarding issues and child removal to comment really, but her lack of communication certainly doesn't reassure me!

Thanks all - DS is moody he cant go, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being OTT!

I entirely understand why you've made this decision, but I think there is a risk that the message you're giving your child is that by being honest with you, he's lost the chance to go to a party - so the next time there's a similar situation he just won't tell you.

I'm not saying you've made the wrong decision, just that the risks involved in him going have to be balanced against this other risk.

TartanMammy · 25/09/2025 13:19

I'm okay with my 15yr old having a beer or two when there's a responsible adult around. Especially when I know the family and/or the friendship group.

With the additional info of having her children removed for safeguarding it would be a hard NO from me. I would really question her decision making and ability to keep that party safe.

Dutchhouse14 · 25/09/2025 13:59

It's the safeguarding issues that are more of a concern and I can see why you are worried about that.

However It's not unusual for a 16th birthday party to involve alcohol.
In fact if parent buys it they can make sure it's really weak stuff and provide lots of food to soak it up.
DD had alcohol at her 16th, basically her friends smuggled it in.
So at 15/16 it is something they will do if they want to, I would have a conversation about staying safe, dangers of drinking too much, ensuring they eat something substantial before the party and to let them know they can phone you at anytime and at any point if they are in trouble.
How are they getting there and getting home?
We live rurally so I always had to drive them there and collect which felt like a pita but actually was good as I knew where they were, had an agreed time they were leaving and knew they'd get home safely!

Juliejuly · 25/09/2025 14:12

I actually think you’ve made the wrong call here by saying he can’t go..
He has shown a lot of maturity by trusting you with what he knew
the better option would have been to tell him he could go, but discuss sensibly what his approach to drinking should be, that he doesn’t need to keep up with his peers, and what he would need to do if things turned messy either for himself or his friends.
I think you should reconsider your decision.

StillTryingtoBuy · 25/09/2025 14:23

I understand your concerns. I would take the chance to talk to your son and see if you can come up with a plan that feels okay to you both. Does he know most of the kids going? Does he think things could get out of hand? Does he know what to do if faced with a party getting out of hand? If not, good chance to talk about it. Does he have a few trusted pals going that could go and leave early together, even to go back to yours to continue a mini-party? Can you keep in touch a bit while he’s there? I think ideally you’d let him save face rather than having to say he’s not allowed to go and it could be a good chance to work with him on a safe plan. If he doesn’t really know the kids going then you’re unlikely to be able to come up with a safe plan so that would end up being a no.

TeenLifeMum · 25/09/2025 14:26

I bought dd and her friends wkd blues for their post prom party but they were very sensible and had one each then went onto Pepsi. Alcohol starts being at parties around 16 so I’d focus on educating dc to make wise choices.

TartanMammy · 25/09/2025 20:45

StillTryingtoBuy · 25/09/2025 14:23

I understand your concerns. I would take the chance to talk to your son and see if you can come up with a plan that feels okay to you both. Does he know most of the kids going? Does he think things could get out of hand? Does he know what to do if faced with a party getting out of hand? If not, good chance to talk about it. Does he have a few trusted pals going that could go and leave early together, even to go back to yours to continue a mini-party? Can you keep in touch a bit while he’s there? I think ideally you’d let him save face rather than having to say he’s not allowed to go and it could be a good chance to work with him on a safe plan. If he doesn’t really know the kids going then you’re unlikely to be able to come up with a safe plan so that would end up being a no.

This excellent advice 👌. One of the most sensible balanced posts I've seen on Mumsnet when it comes to parenting teens.

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2025 20:53

I would explain to him that your concerns are the reliability/sensibility of the host, because they have already shown themselves to be lacking in the parenting department.

I might be willing to let him go, with a reasonable curfew.

He is communicating sensibly with you, don't jeopardise that. At that age my DS was feral and I had no clue where he was or what he was doing.

FuzzyWolf · 25/09/2025 20:58

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 25/09/2025 10:43

Hard no from me. My children can drink when legally able but I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging it. I have a 24 year old who drinks socially but I never gave him drinks in the house and I certainly wouldn’t have let him go to a party while he was under the legal limit where alcohol would be supplied. My younger children are treated exactly the same.

Five is the legal limit at a house party in England.

FuzzyWolf · 25/09/2025 21:00

I would do as you normally do and buy your son what he can drink at the party (his normal two bottles of alcohol). Thank him for letting you know what the plans there are and remind him of safe drinking and that he can call you for a lift home at any time.

Banning him from the party means he won’t tell you next time.