To finally drop friendship group?

[dailygrindgotme]

Im part of a large friendship group, been friends for 25 years ish. I’m considering removing myself from this circle because they make me feel excluded and it’s ruining my confidence. To cut off a group of friends on the wrong side of 35 seems so daunting, we all have kids of similar ages too so it’s wouldn’t just affect me, it’d affect my children’s friendships / circle. I’m scared I won’t have any friends but is it worth it if I constantly feel ostracized?

There are a select few that are closer with eachother, which I get happens within a large circle of friends - you can’t only do things when everyone can go so I understand people will make plans separately, but there are a handful on mat leave / don’t work (including me - I’m on maternity leave with a 3 month old) that get together and don’t bother inviting me, doing things together that I’ve mentioned in the main group that I want to do, but then not including or inviting me - this was everyone that was off except for me.

They all seem to have someone or a smaller group that they are closer to within the group, and I have recognised they are a “good” friend (s) to others, I just don’t experience that at all. I had people that I thought I was closer to, but they are closer to other people and I just seem to get forgotten about.

I feel so lonely despite having this large “friendship” group that do not make me feel good or supported. I’ve not long had a baby and no one checks in on us, it’s heart wrenching for my baby because I think people aren’t bothered about her. They all know how hard it can been at this stage and no one seems to care.

There has been a number of things over the years but I don’t want to be too outing and give specifics. I think I may have just got to the point where I’ve had enough, the people in my life are meant to help lift me up and make me feel good, so maybe I shouldn’t have them in my life if they don’t?

What would you do?

Instead of cutting them dead can you just build other friendships and bother less with them?? That way less drama and easier for your children

Oh dear, I really feel your upset here and went through something similar myself, where my friends made me feel terrible about myself and really left out. Luckily ive moved away and made new friends, but I haven’t gone NC or made a big thing of it. Just stopped initiating the effort and not going to as many things, slowly phasing it out.
Try and look for new friends first and foremost, you have a young baby so maybe look at attending some baby groups/BF cafe (if relevant).
So sorry you’re going through this - it’s so very painful and you deserve more from friends.

I can understand why you feel left out as those examples where you’ve made suggestions and they’ve not invited you. Maybe worth stepping back a bit without formally announcing you’re leaving etc. Perhaps if they notice you’re not responding or meeting up then they might make more effort. You can call them out on it too without being rude. The thing you suggested which they did without you, you could have said oh I wish i’d have known you were doing this as I’ve wanted to do this for a while, didn’t I suggest it on this group? Oh maybe that was another group of friends. That way you’re acknowledging that you’ve noticed but not being rude.

I am in a hobby group of around 30 ladies. It transpired recently that around 7-8 of them have their own little group. They don’t exactly hide it but most don’t know. They meet up outside of the main group which is fine, but sometimes it can feel a bit cliquey. I have lots of friends but it still does bother me a little, it’s almost like you’re not joining our gang and takes you back to secondary school.

OP, that is so hard and particularly as you have a young baby.
I would strongly advise you mute the group rather than leave.
Mentally expect nothing from them and put your time and energy into others.
This is not uncommon, but it is very painful.
But just fading them out will be better in the long run.
Doing it quietly means that should things change as your children grow, you can claim to have been busy.
Try not to take it personally.

There was a post on here a while back where someone described themselves as everyone's "meh" friend and it really struck a cord with me.

This sounds like that...definitely look to make friends outside of the circle where you're more likely to be valued.

I agree with this. Don’t remove yourself, just stop expecting anything beyond lighter stuff and concentrate your efforts elsewhere

Yes, keep them in a back burner and spend more time looking for new friends and acquaintances.

I agree with @Baggyit Slow fade while you make other friends.

Thank you for the advice. I think I will start to pull away. I had already archived the group chat and not responded / read for a while - I felt by doing that made me feel a little better as I was choosing to be invisible rather than being made to feel invisible, it has helped a little. I have actually had a couple of them message directly asking if I am okay which is why I’m at a bit of a crossroads with how to proceed, just reply as normal I guess? I know things won’t change if I say something, they will just feel attacked.