To feel upset my husband is blaming me for our child’s anxiety

[Lollipop20]

(Just to provide some context I am naturally an anxious person I had therapy for CPTSD (separate event) and PND where my therapist was also very confident I had auADHD however I haven’t actioned anything on that- I’m classed as ‘high functioning’)

My daughter is the youngest in her class and has transitioned to year 1 which she has been struggling with it in the sense that some children are ahead of her on books/homework activities etc and it is really upsetting her- now she is very capable, her reports are all on track and in some things ahead so we have no concerns in that sense, there’s no pressure from either of us etc it’s just because she is nearly one year younger. However my husband said last night that my anxiety is rubbing off on her in general and is the reason why she is having the meltdowns and tbh it’s really upset me, I try my hardest to ensure she feels safe and confident in all areas but it’s just really upset me that he has made such a sweeping statement ( would like to add as a family we have experienced death of my mother in law who she was close to , a house move and new year/classroom in the last 6 months) oh and I’m also a pushover. I would like to add this wasnt said in anger and I know that he believes this. I don’t really know what to do/say now as I’m so upset at him for putting all of that on me and it feels unfair. AIBU? What’s the best way to approach it? Feeling pretty low about it

Do you think its true?

The reason i ask is my daughter (age 10) is in therapy for PTDS which has trickled into other aspects of her life.

And whilst I wasnt the cause of her initial anxiety I have contributed to it by feeling anxious about certain situations she may be going into and then over compensating for it.

So for me ive defo tried to change my approach by not asking too many questions or foreseeing every senario and putting that on her.

Well if not you where do you think she has got it from?

Is there really no chance at all that DD is picking up on your anxiety. Obviously none of us know for sure but as the person closest to the situation it’s worth thinking if DH has a point.

Also, whilst lots of kids struggle with the move to Y1 because it’s less play based I think getting anxious about classmates’ reading and homework levels is a very unusual one. At that age DD would have been hard pushed to remember what band she was on let alone anyone else’s. I’d stop telling her it’s because she’s summer born and tell her to focus on herself, not what anyone else is doing, and that what matters is that she’s trying her hardest and that you’re proud of her. The comparing is something you want to (gently) shut down because it’s not a healthy mindset.

So if there's no pressure from you or your DH, why is she so upset - it's come from somewhere? Was she like this year?

I'll be honest that the anxious parents I know* have anxious children. You need to be incredibly self aware to be able to stop instinctive behaviour not being passed on to a young child. I think you should consider if there is any truth in DH's sentence. I'd also say that keeping a child "safe and confident" might actually lead to them becoming anxious as they daren't step outside of their comfort "expected" zone.

*I am putting myself in this category.

Are you sure she doesn't also have auADHD? It causes anxiety and is heritable.

Her life events would also be likely to cause anxiety.

Not sure whether this could be an issue, but my abusive ex used to blame all sorts on me. But he's mean and critical and that causes both my daughter and me anxiety.

Also consider - anxious parent = anxious child.
ADHD anxious parent = ADHD anxious child
ADHD anxious parent, better placed to understand why ADHD anxious child is anxious and put into place coping mechanisms.
(This is me, child does not have the same anxieties I do but I can recognise her thought processes more easily and plan for them / compensate)
I guess talk talk talk.
So no. It's not just you, but you may be better placed to understand.

Your husband probably knows both you and dd best and it doesn't sound like he said it in a spiteful way?
One of my relatives has two children with anxiety, we can all see what caused it, my relative is absolutely blind to it and tells anyone that will listen that it is 'just one of those things '.
There is a huge correlation with parents having mental health issues having children with mental health issues. As long as your husband wasn't being nasty it sounds like he just stated the obvious to me.

Your husband needs to calmly express why he thinks that and give specific examples. Tou need to be open to listening to what might not be nice to hear. You then need to explore these situations and what behaviours you both think would have been better dealt with.

You also need to consider that children are not all the same from birth. My eldest showed extreme confidence before she was even 1 year old. My second was always a very cautious child triggered and resulting in anxiety. One is extroverted the other very introverted.

Either way, it's important to teach our children to embrace who they really are and then learn coping mechanisms to manage their anxiety.

Truth is you will be affecting her and so will her father. Of course, our parents shape us and children pick up on things we do or our states even when we think we are being great at hiding it.

keep an open mind, if what he says is true then try to find ways to protect your DD. Seek help.

Could he have a point?

I think you need to have an honest conversation about why your husband thinks this. What in particular does he feel you are doing that is rubbing off on her? It is perfectly possible to affect children with things we don't know we're doing, and so I think you should be open to considering this, and your husband would not be wrong to bring this up sensitively. However, of course, he may be incorrect.

Please try and refrain this in your mind. You are a loving parent, and you would do anything to try and make your child less anxious - this is an opportunity for you, to give 'anything' consideration and work on it, for your daughter. I know you feel low - but this is a gift, and if it were the other way round and you could see your husband potentially affecting your child unwittingly, you as a good parent would of course have to say something to him. If he suspected and didn't tell you, he would be letting your daughter struggle without trying EVERYTHING to help her, and if helping her means being honest with you then thats what he has to do, as a good parent. You wouldn't want him to not say it and find out years down the line that you could have done something to help your daughter and he knew and didn't say, to help your feelings. I know this feels awful - and let yourself feel that, for an hour, a day, whatever. Its complicated, and its hard to feel like you might have hurt someone you love so much. And then pick yourself up and talk to your husband and ask him to help you figure out what you are doing that might be impacting her. You need to prepare yourself for him to give example you dont agree with. And prepare yourself as much as you can for that conversation to be hard, and possibly hurtful - neither of you are perfect, but you are a team and need to do hard things together to help your daughter, and doing so is great parenting. You might find out it doesn't have an impact, and any impact might take months if not years to actually show, its definitely not an overnight fix, but you would feel so horrendous if you realised 10 years from now that your husband was right and you did nothing to fix it. You can do this. Feel rubbish for a bit, then work as a team.

It seems unusual to me that your daughter even knows what books and homework other children are on, let alone cares about it. You say there’s no pressure from you so is the school highly academic?
It seems likely to me that your anxiety is impacting on your daughter. It is also likely that if you are AuADHD then your daughter is also neurodivergent, has this been considered?

I'm not surprised you're feeling low OP, your DH is being very unfair putting it all on you. He's also parenting your DD, but he's suggesting only your parenting affects how she turns out. That's really not on. Whether it's 'nature' - ie inherited - or 'nurture' - ie how she's being raised - the way your DD is is down to both of you, the genes she's inherited from you both and the parenting she's received from your both. So whatever happens, please don't let him make it all about you as it's at least 50% him too. None of us are born parents, we all have to learn as we go and do our best and for some it's harder than others but none of us is perfect all the time. We all get some things right and some things wrong, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I worry about this too (anxiety speaking, again !) although am not yet at your age range.
If some changes are needed - I think a huge positive is that your child is still very young, so everything is still so hugely open to positive changes, if needed. So I would try to evaluate it in light of this, try not to feel bad as you say it wasn’t meant negatively, just a few small tweaks in day to day approaches could change a lot for the better - every parent/child could benefit from small changes.

I do agree with pp re comparison with classmates

I am also quite anxious and wonder how much I pass on to my kids.

I listened to a great podcast about this called Everything You Need to Know to Help Kids Manage Their Anxiety (on the Raising Good Humans podcast) and it's an interview with a Yale academic who runs a centre for child anxiety.

One of the most effective programms for dealing with child anxiety, my memory of listening to it tells me, is a programme for parents.

It's not blaming but intending to be helpful. Why not give it a listen?

OP kindly my mother was a very anxious person and it has made my sister and I quite anxious also. We see danger in everything as that is how we were brought up. My DH raised it with me and I acknowledge the impact it has on our children. I noticed my youngest was prone to worrying. I had made a big effort to not let my anxiety and worry show and have worked on not being as anxious which has helped me.

My sister still remains quite a worrier and her children are quite anxious also totally unlike their dad who is very laid back.
In my experience an anxious parent will effect their children in a much greater way than a laid back one.

My advice, dont beat yourself up but look at your behaviour and try to identify what you are doing that could be impacting on her. None of us are perfect but once we know something like this is happening, we should act to minimise it.

(Just to provide some context I am naturally an anxious person I had therapy for CPTSD (separate event) and PND where my therapist was also very confident I had auADHD however I haven’t actioned anything on that- I’m classed as ‘high functioning’)

According to the psych team at CAMHS anxiety is a trait that is seen in families, whether it’s inherited or learnt. So your husband is probably right but it’s probably also not something you can help or is your fault.

A therapist can’t say if you have autism and ADHD. You need to be separately assessed for both by a multi disciplinary team. If you do then there are medications available (for ADHD anyway) and you’re potentially doing your family a disservice by not doing your best to help yourself which will ultimately help you.

High functioning isn’t a term that is used these days regarding neurodivergence.

It will be, you need to deal with your issues so the child doesn’t have the same.

I am going to say that an anxious parent, can cause a child to become anxious. I work at a school and we had a young girl in the school, who worried about everything, saw danger in anything and had no self-confidence at all. The girl has now moved up to Middle school, but her younger sister is at our school now, and she's exactly the same. Both girls are almost too frightened to breath, and lack confidence in themselves. Apparently the Mum is exactly the same, over-protective, over-cautious, constantly worrying her daughter's will come to harm, won't let them participate in activities etc. The eldest wasn't allowed to stay for the residential trip, she was picked up by a parent in the evening, because it 'wasn't safe for her to stay away from home'. Now, these might be extreme but you can see why both girls are in a permanent state of anxiety. I'm not saying you are solely to blame for your daughter's anxiety but I suspect your husband is likely right, some of yours has rubbed off on your daughter. You need a calm conversation with your husband.

Ok so on the back of this we have found out the reason for the meltdown was because another child was teasing her- it’s actually her ‘friend’, I spoke to the teacher and just asked if she could observe as we didn’t know why or how she was comparing herself and the teacher pulled me aside to say one of the girls was teasing her saying she is reading baby books still etc etc- it has now been dealt with and there’s a difference in her already.