To think my son’s BFF is bang out of order?

[SoniaSwanners]

Between 2022 and 2023, for exactly a year, my family paid for my son and his friend to rent a flat in Bristol. My son was a student at the time and we were supporting him financially, which we were happy to do and easily able to afford. The friend, also at university, did not have equivalent financial support from his family, but my son really wanted to share a flat with him, and there was room for the friend in the flat we were renting, so we were perfectly happy to let the friend stay in the flat for the year, even though he wasn’t paying rent.

Fast forward to now: both son and friend have now graduated and are looking for jobs in London. The friend’s financial position has changed - his dad died, and he inherited 50k. He wants him and my son to rent a flat right now, or as soon as possible, because he’s unhappy at home with his mum and can’t wait to get out. My son would rather find a job in London first, before renting a flat, but he’s very accommodating and is willing to fall in with the friend’s preferred timeline - so my son has asked me and my husband if we might be willing to lend him his share of the rent/deposit until he gets a job.

Ordinarily, we’d be happy to do this - but I have this persistent and quite cross thought that the friend, having been treated to a year’s free rent by our family and having now come into 50k of his own, ought to say, ‘hey, listen, obviously it’s my turn to pay the rent for a bit, since you/your fam paid for me in Bristol.’ But friend is not saying this nor even thinking about saying it. I think this is absolutely bloody outrageous and remiss of the friend - it’s actually making me really not like him anymore - but am I being unreasonable?

It is pretty well known that you should never loan money, or in this case cover someone, if you are expecting it back.

Is it a shame? Sure. But not everyone is generous or thoughtful and writing him off will only alienate your son.

“Thou shall not give to receive” but I see where you’re coming from.

If your son does not quickly get a job it could be a very expensive exercise for you.

London is hugely expensive as we all know and even £50k isn’t going to last long for the friend.

It’s putting the cart before the horse. Job first then accommodation.

I don't think the two things are linked.

You could easily afford the rent. Friend has never had any money and now has £50k which won't go far if he starts splashing it around. He's being sensible as only someone who's never had anything really understand how.

It's your son who wants something he can't afford.

I’m sure there is probably a massive difference in the price of rent in London compared to Bristol.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Totally agree with you OP. He could let your son live a couple of months rent free and stump up the full deposit. Your son should just ask him outright. “Can you pay the full deposit and rent for the first two months as the bank of Mum and Dad is closed after they paid the rent for both of us in Bristol for the year. So unless you can help me I can’t go to London until I have a job”

Agree with @clockstops.

I think your DS should stick to his plan and find a job first.
London is huge.
Transport is pretty good, but a commute can take ages if you're living in the wrong but, and expensive. Much better to find out where you are working and then work out the best place to live afterwards

I don't think the friend should be expected to cover rent. I know Bristol isn't cheap - my DS was at uni there. London is a whole different level. £50k isn't going to last long.

The friend's dad has died and £50k is everything he has. Given you said the friend's family was not in a position to financially support him at uni, it is likely this will be all the inheritance and all the family support he will ever get.

Your son has financially comfortable, living parents and decent job prospects. You will likely be able to offer a financial cushion to him in the future - if he loses a job, starts a family, contribute to a wedding, a house deposit. And ultimately an inheritance.

You are an adult parent of an adult child. The friend is in his early 20s. You should not have offered the friend to stay with your son rent free if you were expecting a payback.

I think in the first instance you paid for a flat for your son and he invited a friend to come and stay with him in it. In the second instance your son’s friend has suggested they rent a flat together in London.

the inheritance of £50,000 is irrelevant. He is probably saving it for a deposit at some point but will be renting out of his income. I wouldn’t spend my inheritance to cover someone else’s rent, even if they had kindly let me stay with them in a flat their family had ‘easily’ paid for, for them.

I don’t think young, single people think like parents. He would have seen your help as like that of foster parents I think. A warm maternal/paternal hug from afar.

Now the young men are working or looking for work the assumption is you no longer look after the friend but your son looks after himself. So the friend thinks your son should pay his way and you think you should still support your son. His friend is not going to pay for him because in his mind your son never paid for the flat, you did.

I don’t think your son will get a flat if he doesn’t have an income in London. Else you’ll need to be guarantor.

I think it’s a totally different situation than someone who’s had years to build up money to support a younger generation for a limited period. Vs someone very young with a very finite budget supporting a peer indefinitely…. People saying 2 months there’s no guarantee son will get a job in that time. 50K is really not much at the start of someone’s life thinking of housing deposit in London for example.

You were very generous to help him out, but remember that was what your son wanted - the friend didn’t ask for it. I think it’s unfair to expect a young man just starting out, who has a little bit of money for the first time to spend it repaying a favour he didn’t ask for and was as much to your son’s benefit as his. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

I agree with this. Whilst I understand where you are coming from OP, £50k will not go far at all and is likely to be all he has (unless there is more to this). I would support your son to wait and get a job first, or if you can afford to, agree to cover London rent for 6 months max.

What I would add is that I wanted to get a job in London after Uni, but couldn't afford to live there and going down from the midlands for interviews 20 years ago was expensive, so I moved home got a local job, and only got a ‘London’ job a few years ago.

You did say you were in a good financial position and easily able to support your son, the friend has just come in to 50k and that is it. The friends money won't keep coming and this might be the only time he has ever and maybe will ever have this kind of sum to set himself up. If he spends it all it's just gone and in London it really won't go that far at all.

I'm not sure you can compare the two situations.

I'm sure being allowed to stay made a big difference to him at the time, butbit wasn't "generous". It made no difference to OP who would have been paying anyway.

Totally agree with this. ⬆️

Yes i agree with PP, @Clockstopspost summarises my thoughts too.

Don't lend anybody anything. It destroys friendships.

You're being unreasonable as far as expecting him to subsidise your son in London.

You gave him the spare room out of kindness and no doubt it helped your son to have a friend so close. But you did that with no expectations of repayment. So stick to principle.

However your DS BFF is being unreasonable hoping that your son will subsidise his London flat.

I'd get.your son to tell him that he cant afford it.

Or he rents out the Bristol flat and uses the dual room income to pay half the London rent. I presume you're letting him stay there rent-free so would lose no income by that.

Presumably if you could easily afford to cover rent for two university students in Bristol then it is likely your son can look forward to some sort of inheritance at some point in the future? Is it comparable to what his friend inherited?
And in the meantime you might also offer the odd dinner out, maybe some childcare, maybe a gift for grandchildren? Or in an emergency, help with a broken down car for instance? These are hypothetical examples of the ways in which you will be around and able to help out your son. His friend won’t have that from his dad at least and sounds like he probably won’t be expecting much more. So he’s starting out very much on his own.
Paying the deposit would have been a nice gesture on his part, committing to paying rent in London for an unemployed friend out of likely his only inheritance would be so foolish. And I’m surprised, if you ever cared for him, that you would recommend this as a course of action.
But really, your son shouldn’t be asking this is of you. It’s time for him to show maturity and also appreciation for how much you have provided for him to date.

Sorry I disagree. This boy hasn’t had financial support and this 50k may be the only windfall he ever gets, we know how hard it is for young people to get on the property ladder and it was be ridiculous for him to spend his 50k supporting a friend who comes from a family able and willing to financially support him. while what you done was very generous, you offered with no strings attached and therefore I don’t think you can now be angry that he’s not repaying the favour. Let’s be honest 50k will not go far in London and certainly not if he’s covering your son’s rent.

however if your son doesn’t want to move to London until he has secured a job (which is sensible) then he shouldn’t do it just to please his friend. They are adults now and need to look out for their own financial interests both short and long term.

Your son needs to wait until he finds a job. The friends inheritance is irrelevant, he's obviously got minimal support network and a finite cash supply.
I'd be more concerned that your DS has no money of his own despite having such generous parents...

I can see why you're annoyed but like others have said, sounds like this lad has never really had anything and he might be trying to hold onto the money as long as he can. It's a different world for people who can't always rely on their parents for financial support.

Your ds should have the strength to say no and do things to his timeline. Why is he so keen to jump to his friend’s plans. He’ll have to suck it up a bit longer. And as others have said if he finds a flat in West London but a job in dock lands he’s gonna be pretty pissed off at having a long commute he could have avoided.