To think that becoming wealthy changes a person

[Munichfam5]

I have a few family members and friends that have gone from a living a normal lifestyle to becoming very wealthy

They have gained their wealth from hard work and a bit of luck - think business sales, property development…

AIBU to think that when people become wealthy they start to move and socialise with people who have similar wealth as them ?

The family members for instance are what I would call social climbers, and socialise with people that are basically millionaires - I guess this is also to do with the DC’s being at a very expensive private school

I’m not trying to be negative - just asking AIBU to think this and why does this happen ?

In these cash straitened times, things that might once have been taken for granted can be out of reach for a lot of families. Meeting in the city for softplay, coffee and cake with other mums has become impossible for many. They cannot justify the spending on a regular basis. It doesn’t mean they are on the breadline necessarily. Perhaps they can afford it but they know if they make that choice, that the family wont get a holiday next summer, or they will be camping in Blackpool rather than a beach in Phuket.

Or if your home is nice and theirs is more ordinary, they might feel embarrassed to reciprocate with play dates.

It can be subtle. I hear it is hurtful if friends don’t stay in touch. Maintaining friendships over a wealth divide takes a lot of headspace, which isn’t easy at the best of times.

It always used to shock me how many lottery winners got divorced. Wealth definitely changes people and usually not in good ways

This may also point to a lot of people staying together because they can’t afford to split up, and the lottery win enabling them to move on…

Are friends and family jealous, bitter or otherwise mocking the new found wealth? Are they wanting to hold the family member back from new experiences, guilt tripping them or expecting handouts?

Yes, sometimes people could be a bit Hyacinth Bucket and distance themselves from their poorer background for reasons of low self esteem, but equally the family and friends can see them as a cash cow or get green eyed , and become very difficult and draining to be around.

Ouch. Morally superior!
Nope, just wanting to actually enjoy having money after having worked 40 years by the time I get to 55. I think I've done my time!

Oh I agree completely. There is no obligation for a wealthy person to prop up the economy. My point was that it isn't morally wrong for someone to spend their money on luxury goods and this in some ways can help the economy more than keeping money in the bank

This isn't related to trickle down economics (i.e. taxing the rich less to improve economic growth), you are absolutely right that this has been proven not to work. However, it is undoubtedly economically beneficial for rich people to spend their money and not to hoard wealth. That is a different thing entirely. It will undoubtedly spur economic growth and create jobs.

I clearly said that it was no judgement on you as an individual. I was just merely suggesting that there does seem to be a school of thought that rich people spending their money on luxuries or services is somehow uncouth and morally questionable when in fact there is an argument that this is a better thing for them to do from a societal and economic perspective rather than to hoard wealth.

Ideally the government would prefer it if you worked until state pension age and spent more of your money on goods and services now to stimulate the economy and create jobs. You obviously aren't obliged to do this, none of us are!

In my experience, wealthy people tend to gravitate towards one another, whether intentional or not. They end up knowing people in the same circles. Friend of a friend, that kind of thing.

Probably not the best example, but at dds school, you can see who the wealthy mums are, by the way they dress, the car they drive & they kind of look similar too. They tend to stick together.

There are 2 wealthy men in DH's family. One has kept his simplicity and values whereas the other seems to look down on us and has withdrawn from DH to only spend time with other "vips". Ironically DH is the first one he calls when he has personal/family problems- they grew up as brothers. DH is very hurt.

What both men have in common is that they left their wives and kids in their late forties for a younger woman...

No but it can make it trickier to socialise with them if there’s a huge financial disparity.

Good for them.

Maybe they want to forget where they came from, I know I certainly would!

Yes I agree with you!

People can spend their money as they choose.

Hoarding wealth is an interesting topic - of course it is not good, when it goes beyond making provision for one’s self and family if life takes a tricky turn.

I find it interesting that when people of ordinary means hoard things, the public increasingly sees it as mental illness and the people should be helped. Rightly. But there is less sympathy for the wealthy. They have the means to buy therapy etc.

But sudden wealth such as a lottery win can kick away the guard rails. Imagine having an eating disorder and suddenly, you can afford to eat (or not eat) whatever you want, whenever you want. You can buy privacy to indulge in whatever behaviour you want. You are an adult, you are expected to manage it yourself. Some will not cope, especially if their usual support system becomes distant / judgy / envious.

A tragic personal loss elevated a friend’s finances from comfortable, to wealthy. He drives a flashy car. People who don’t know him judge him. But he bought it because it has the best possible accident safety rating. It gives him some comfort. We cannot know what is really going on that make people take the choices that they do.

Because of comments made at the time that I was made aware of.

So true.

Sudden wealth can completely change the dynamics of a friendship. Someone that was once relatable can cease to be, and topics that could be easily discussed before now require tip-toeing around. A change in lifestyle can be perceived as ‘X getting above themselves’ and ‘X is being flashy and rubbing it in’. Resentments can surface and ferment. There’s been plenty of threads on here from posters struggling to be around wealthy friends and even family, as there have been plenty of threads by posters in possession of a windfall being hit up for x, y and z because they can afford it and thus should pay.

Plus, as others have said, people usually gravitate towards those they have things in common with. If someone is doing a more expensive hobby/paying for private school/etc then they’re likely going to meet and form friendships with others that are able to afford the same. People that they can speak freely with about things that would be perceived as tone deaf if spoken about in different company.

Friendships can prevail through such obstacles, but others will drift as life takes each party in different directions. That’s just, well, life.

You're bound to drift away a bit. If I think about what I'd do if I got rich- I'd probably move to a nicer area so I'd lose touch with my neighbours and probably see a bit less of friends who live close by. I'd go to nice restaurants to eat more often and would probably spend more time with other friends who can afford those restaurants. I'd likely send my daughter to a private school so my Mum friends would also be more well off Mums than my current circle.

I would still spend time with my close friends and would probably pay for them to come to things they couldn't afford by themselves, but I would lose touch with acquaintances that I just bump into and chat to because I wouldn't be in the same place as often.

Money, like age, usually just makes people become more what they already were. For better or worse.

Of course people change when life circumstances change, in which ever direction it goes in. And change in terms of what they can access and do, which invariably throws them into the path of different people. But not necessarily wholesale personality change.

Being down to earth and decent are characteristics people of any level, from poor to rich, can possess. I hate this narrative of 'they've forgotten where they come from'. What does that even mean?! Usually it means something pejorative.
I doubt they've forgotten where they come from - maybe they are utterly relieved not to be 'there' any more?!

We became wealthy and I don't think it's changed us. My friends are still my friends. Our kids are at private school and we do socialise with a few of the parents, but it tends to be the more 'normal' ones. We don't drive flashy cars as that's never been an interest. We subsidies holidays with family, if they let us.
We've never been into being showy or buying expensive things, and having loads of spare cash hasn't changed that.
Some people are social climbers and if you give them the means (money) they will try and climb. Some people, like us, aren't.

I think it’s a really tricky one.

We have improved our situation and I feel really awkward/aware if I’m moaning about something in my life which my friends see as a luxury.

It can feel tricky navigating the same space / friendships you had before you had more money. We now go to nicer holiday resorts than previously and I know I would be heavily judged for spending the amount of money we spend on it. It works both ways.

I am still very much in the same friendship group but I have other friendships which now exist in parallel eg school mums, NCT, hobby friends etc. I think this is partly to do with stage of life / parenting as much as it is to do with money.

My husband and I have recently become very wealthy after being poor for years and then comfortable. Basically someone bought my husband’s business for a lot of money. He spent years building it up on his own. Some people know, though they don’t know the exact figure. It’s an utterly bizarre, wonderful but overwhelming position to be in. There is already an expectation from some comfortably off family members that we will pay for everything, despite the fact we have been generous in sharing our good fortune. Other friends have completely abandoned us. It had changed us in the sense lots of our anxieties have gone and there is a lovely sense of being able to spend without fear. We’ve decided not to move house for now, so we’re still in our 3 bed semi. The kids have left home but we we are giving them both something for house deposits and some treats. We have a strange kind of survivors guilt, especially my husband and can sense resentment from some people but others are just delighted for us. We certainly haven’t forgotten where we come from and talk about it from time to time. I suspect your viewing your relatives from your own limited perspective.

That’s the entire point is it not? People pride themselves on going places ‘despite’ their backgrounds. Parents want more for their kids than they had. What’s the point in working hard to becoming properly rich if your life is going to remain the same?

I do think private school can really shift your social circle, not necessarily because people “change,” but because of how much time you end up spending together. Even at secondary level, the parents are still very involved. At my child’s school, a lot of parents still do drop-off and pick-up, and Saturdays are basically taken over by matches, you watch, then stay for match tea afterwards.

On top of that, there are constant school events for parents, plus most of the kids end up joining the same sports club outside of school. Even families who don’t live nearby travel to the same one, because the kids want to stay with their teammates. That means midweek evenings, Sundays (and often half of Sunday afternoons too!) are spent together watching, chatting, and eventually even going on tour - yes, with the parents in tow.

It’s a huge amount of time in each other’s company, so naturally, those parents become your social circle. Weekends are full of school and sports, leaving little time for anyone else. And like with any friendship group, their habits and tastes rub off on you, from restaurants and holiday spots to, in my case, finally giving in and getting my nails done because every other mum seemed to!

So it’s not just that private school is “where your kids go.” It does become your whole life, simply because of how all-consuming the community is.

Yep I totally agree. This has happened to a family member of mine recently. Wealth insulates you from a lot of worries and a lot of people very quickly take good things for granted and forget the perspective of others. My family member already seems to view their experience as baseline rather than privilege. I have to remind them that what they get to do isn't normal and therefore they can't judge others for not doing what they do.

Edit to say they were quite judgemental people beforehand too so that doesn't help.

You do know that plenty of those “millionaires” they are socialising with will come from very similar roots.