Struggling with partner, what can I do?

[Halli2020]

A hand hold please, and kindly no judgement as I am quite sensitive at the moment. I have been with my partner for five years and we have a three year old. Prior to this, we have had some pregnancy losses etc which was a difficult time for us. However, partner has always struggled holding down a job, getting up in the mornings, general house work etc. It is all left to me, and I work, sort out our house, decorate, take our son to nursery, manage all bills as he doesn't contribute to any.

I know there may be some judgement as to why I put up with it. But the truth is that I loved him very much and was prepared to help him work through his issues. However, now resentment is starting to build and I feel I deserve more out of life and feel that he is taking the piss a bit now. We tried loving separately, so he had a shared house down the road which was working out ok. We split up for a few weeks as I told him I had enough of his behaviour. Although, now he has given up his tenancy and decided to move back in. I'll add that this house is only in my name and I get no contributions from him apart from the occasional bits for my son and ingredients for himself.

I feel some guilt, as I know if I kicked him out he would have nowhere to go as he isn't on talking terms with his family (they have all given up as they say he is lazy and rude etc, I was the only one willing to give him multiple chances.) I am just so fed up and quite honestly I'm feeling lost and depressed, I don't really have anyone to confide in and feel trapped. I just want to feel free. I worry about feeling even more alone without him around, which is why I think I have held on for so long. I also lost my dad at the beginning of this year, which has made me more depressed and vulnerable. (He has been no emotional support either during that time.) I am just not sure I love him anymore because he just doesn't seem to try with anything, even though he is apparently trying his best to find a job. It doesn't take this long to find one!

Any advice would be great. Please, be gentle as I am already have a tough time of it as it is. Thankyou. I just don't see any way out of this.

OP I think you know you deserve more than this. What exactly would change if he left? Your life would probably be easier! If his family have given up on him that says a lot.

He is a grown man not another child dependant on you, tell him to leave, you’ll be happier.x

The only way out is through.

You know what you need to do.
Its OK to be scared.

The way out is to boot him out. He is adding nothing to your life.
He doesn't contribute - hes draining resources from you and your son.
He doesn't love you - if he did he would make some sort of effort
He isn't going to change - his family reaction tells you this. He is one of life's sponges. He's given up his tenancy because he doesn't want to pay for anything.

Get rid of him, give yourself a couple of weeks, look at the difference it makes - you'll no doubt have more money to spend on your son and more heads pace to have fun with him. That alone will likely lift your mood. If not go to the GP and get some help.

Remember - Your son is the one who loves you, the other looser just loves what he can take from you.

Op, you only get one life, and he's not the one - he's not contributing to your happiness or your lives as a family. Tell him to leave

He is not bringing anything to your life and is actually making it harder. The thought of being alone might be scary, but as long as you stay with this one you are passing up opportunities to meet someone who can be an actual partner and make you happy. Be brave and get rid. He is not your responsibility.

So he unilaterally decided he was moving back in? He knows you don't have the courage to stop him so he's riding roughshod over you and your wants.
Has he already moved in or do you have time to take a firm stance, change the locks and tell him you're done?

His family are right.

You are alone anyway because he does nothing to support you, either emotionally or practically. You say yourself you do everything at home, if he wasn't there the only difference would be that you wouldn't have this horrible stress about the relationship.

He sounds like he's just not very nice. That isn't how a relationship should be. If he has nowhere to go, that's on him, he's had many chances by the sound of things. If he was bothered about staying together he would have tried harder. You can only do so much, if the other person isn't willing to change at all you are flogging a dead horse.

I think you know what you need to do. Have you ever had any therapy? It might help to have someone to talk to.

You might be surprised how much better you feel in the long run without him but you need to push past the fear of rocking the boat.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I don't think he's ever going to be the person you wish he was and I wouldn't want to waste any more time on him.

I voted YABU because by letting this loser hanging around you are draining the resources that should be for you and your son. You owe him nothing, he is a waste of space. “Love” is not enough. You need feel no guilt, he is a grown up and needs to sort himself out. Text him now before you lose your nerve- I’ve decided it’s best you don’t move back in. Thee relationship is over. I will contact you in a few weeks to talk about contact.

Then consider blocking him for a while to avoid the inevitable attempts at manipulation.

He is bringing nothing to your life. He does nothing to bring anything to his own life, even! You have nothing to feel guilty about.

He definitely needs to leave - you'll be doing him a favour as he'll have to sort himself out then, and you'll be happier too.

How did he manage financially when he was living in the shared house down the road? He must have paid something for rent/food/bills. How come he can do that when he's booted out, but contributes nothing when living with you?

I'm sorry but he's not nice. You will be better off without him. I know you're worried about being lonely, but you'll be able to use the time and emotional energy you're wasting on him or other things and people. You'll make more friends this way I'm sure.