to not want to be the one to have to confront dh AGAIN... and am I a hypocrite

[bcsnowpea]

It first took me nine months to confront dh about the amount of pot he smoked. He eventually quit, though we have had arguments about him smoking since (as much as two passive aggressive people can have arguments).

Since moving country, it has been six months since he has had any pot. The other night, after suspecting something was up, I discovered that he had been hiding pot from me, and sneaking off after I was asleep to go and smoke it. I finally worked up the courage to confront him (after half an hour of staring at my feet). I told him that it was disrespectful to lie to me, and that it said very little about our marriage if he couldn't trust me. Unfortunately, this is not the first time he has hidden smoking or drinking from me, but I always fall back into an easy trust again.

DH told me that he never told me about it because he was afraid I'd get angry. I pointed out that he probably thought this because usually conversations about drinking or pot are in the context of my finding out that he's been lying to me. Whenever he's come to tell me that he has a craving, I don't get angry at all, and thank him for his honesty.

Anyway, we agreed to treat his smoking the same way we treat his drinking. We agree on when and how much he can do, so that we're both comfortable with it. However, since that conversation I've thought about it a bit more and decided that I'm not comfortable with it at all, but I haven't been able to work up the courage to tell him this, and I worry it would turn into a confrontation.

One reason is that I'm worried that I don't like his smoking for all the wrong reasons. There is a history of addiction in his family, which I do worry about, and I don't like the thought of it being around our son in our home, but I also think I'm a little jealous of it. This is not something that I do, so it's not something we can share; he goes out specifically to do it; it seems to be a main aspect of bonding for him; and he does make it a priority (as evidenced by sneaking out and lying). I'm a bit ashamed to admit that to him.

The second reason stems a bit from the first. If I'm too embarrassed to tell him something, then aren't I just a hypocrite for demanding his trust. This isn't the only thing either, there are other things that I'd like to tell him about myself, that have been on my mind lately, that I'm just too embarrassed to say.

So, AIBU and am I a hypocrite.
Oh wise mumsnetters, please be my instruction manual to life and tell me what to do

bump

IMO it's really not possible to be your partner's drug counsellor.

His behaviour shows all the hallmarks of addiction (psychological or physical is another debate...).

By agreeing limits with him you are colluding with his smoking pot and drinking rather than being able to say what you perhaps want to say.

By smoking pot alone and hiding it from you your partner is unwittingly (I hope) giving you the message that you are part of the "problem"; that he wants to spend time off his head and chilled but def not with you. You sound as though you feel like that little kid in the playground no-one will play with - and lots of people feel like that every day. Those feelings of being left out are very hard to deal with.

In a relationship both parties will have things they don't tell their other half - embarrassing things; things that make them blush; things that make them feel vulnerable.

I would suggest you find someone outside your marriage to talk about these things - the drugs AND whatever else is bothering you.

When you have sorted how you feel in your own mind then you can discuss things with your dh.

I think you need to be honest with your husband and tell him you don't like him smoking at all. It is bad for his health, not good for the state of his marriage to lie and sneak about and it is a terrible example for his child.

Thank you, the different input has been nice, to see dif perspectives.

littllapin sometimes I wish I was the time to get angry and throw things, I feel it bubbling inside me, but I don't let it out.

I also wonder if it's worth forbidding it, when it does just lead to lies in our relationship. Which is ridiculous- neither of us can be happy and comfortable unless we both are (I'll make sure of it ... lame attempt at humour)

I don't mean to be rude but are you not mothering him a bit? What is it about his smoking and drinking that upsets you? Is it because he goes out and leaves you alone? Is it that he is hanging out with people you don't much like? Is it the health issues? The illegality? Is he too far gone to pull his weight as a partner and father?

If you can sort out in your own mind why he should change his behaviour to suit you and make a reasonable arguement rather than "don't do that because I don't like it" you should find it easier to talk to him.

i can see why he did it. you say you're both very non-confrontational so when you attempt to ban him from doing something he wants to do and doesn't see a problem with, the obvious option is to lie to you to keep the peace.
personally i don't agree with lying to protect a partner and think you should respect the person you're with enough to be truthful and then let them make there minds up about wether it is behaviour they can accept.
i smoke weed my oh doesn't. however i never hide it from her and she is ok with it. if she woke up one morning and tried to ban me from it that would be an awkward conversation.as on the one hand i would not lie to her and sneak around doing it behind her back like a naughty teenager, bt on the other hand i doubt i'd quit.

Wow, I didn't expect this spectrum of responses, and it's really nice to have that.

We had a really long chat last night, and didn't go to bed until 2. He told me a lot of stuff about himself that I didn't know, but things that he was really embarrassed about. I'm hoping that I made him feel comfortable, everything that he told me just made me feel glad to know more about his past.

We've been married almost two years, but haven't really known each other much longer. I've always felt very comfortable with him, and I like when we do have these long and open discussions.

Anyway, things are totally resolved, but he was able to express quite well what it's like for him to smoke and why he likes to go out for walks and jogs by himself. gagarin your comment about being the kid left alone in the playground has really lingered with me. A lot of the issue is that I know before he leaves that he's separating from us, withdrawing, and that's what he does when he walks. I explained it to him as feeling as though he's having an affair with himself, by taking part of himself away from us. He agreed, funnily enough. At the same time, my rational side understand and doesn't resent this time he needs to himself. He's the SAH in our family, and I remember how frustration can build some days, how you just need some time to escape. Viscerally, I resent him, but that's something for me to work on.

Anyway, ranting update over. Thank you all for your input, it's all been quite an interesting learning experience (not that it's over yet...!)