DD3.5 threw a bottle at me & broke a lamp

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all
in need of direction and advice please.

DD3.5 in anger at around 6pm ish yesterday evening threw my bedside lamp and broke it, and today same sort of time in anger threw water bottle at me.

Dd3.5 has had meltdowns before and I thought she grew out of them, but DD3.5 father has left the house few months ago and I'm not sure if that is contributing to all this resurfacing, but I cannot calm her down in those moments.

Anything and everything can trigger her and she will hit, pull hair, scratch, scream really loudly for upto 30 minutes despite my efforts to calm her. Eventually she will exhaust herself and say 'sorry mama' and will continue asking me 'are you happy?' while sobbing so I can't even talk to her about her behaviour. I have for the past two days put it down to tiredness and her getting used to her new nursery routines but I am scared of this becoming part of her daily routine without knowing how to calm her and discipline her effectively.

Generally speaking, DD3 is a well behaved, well rounded child who is smart/cheeky for her age and we will often talk about making good choices - DD3 does always ask me when I have reminded her of making the right choice 'mum are you happy?' If I say no she cries until I tell her I'm happy and if I say yes she thinks the situation is dealt with and carries on with whatever she was doing.

dD3.5 is fixated on asking about my happiness, especially when she knows she has done something she shouldn't have. When I ask her after a situation to come talk about it and tell me why she was sad she just says it's hard for her to talk about and it hurts her heart?!

I feel like she uses this question 'if I am happy' to deflect from her being reminded about her behaviour and discussing what has happened (after a tantrum) - I'm not sure if I'm over thinking but it's really difficult to manage and I dread her developing into a spoiled child who lacks accountability by emotionally twisting a situation.

AIBU for thinking like this?

My son was like this. I remember him throwing my Charlotte Tilbury makeup out of the window the day I bought it because I wouldn't let him play with it.
I tried shouting at him and handling these situations calmly. Calmly but firmly is the best route long term I promise you. It sounds like you know your child well and won't let it become part of their personality.
I had to tell my son regularly that he was a "good boy but doing x,y,z is not behaviour that we do so you won't be doing it again." That is a black and white boundary and if you present it calmly it will be instilled in them. Trust yourself, sounds like you are doing well although I bet you are emotionally exhausted from the mental aerobics of it all x

When she asks "are you happy" perhaps ask her if she is happy and if she feels proud of herself. She might be attempting to talk about her feelings but not knowing how to actually do self reflection?

My nearly 4 year old DS also asks “are you happy?” after a meltdown or even if I’m looking a bit stressed or tired, when he does it it comes across as genuine anxiety or worry. He’s been referred for an autism assessment because of his difficulty in regulating emotions and also sensory issues.

If she’s worrying if you are happy and her dad left recently it sounds more like she’s insecure, possibly even worrying if you will leave too, rather than being spoiled and emotionally manipulative. You really are over thinking it.

does she have a relationship with her dad now? One thing I do with my kids is every day we do ‘best thing worst thing’ at bed time, I ask in turn what their best things were, and their worse things and often it’s daft stuff like pudding being great and rain being rubbish, but sometimes when they need to that’s when they tell me what’s bothering them. I often tell them my best and worst things too but I keep it light - not an opportunity to dump my troubles on them or make a dig about their behaviour. It could be worth a try and she’s obviously struggling with the new situation.

I have suspicions that DD3 could be on the spectrum. And yes her asking if I'm happy is often because she reads my face or body language when I am busy and needs reassurance. However nursery have not flagged anything up other than she is super quiet there and barely talks... she does cover her ears at loud noises sometimes. And doesn't like the feel of wet hands but not sure if those are signs in themselves ?

This is not new behaviour from her father leaving, it was presenting months before but has resurfaced since back to nursery has started, but of course could all still be linked. Yes she regularly sees her dad and video call whenever she asks for him. We do try to talk about her day but she often says I'm tired and shuts down the convo.

I think you’re reading too much into this. Toddlers get angry and throw stuff at times. Both my dc asked if I’m happy after they’d been a bit naughty. I’d have put dd on timeout step for 3 minutes for this. Then offer a cuddle.

Everything you’ve described is normal behaviour for kids that age. You just need to keep doing what you are doing and try not to overthink it so much

I remember my DS went though a phase of throwing things at me at this age. The main thing I was watching for at the time was that his aim was good as I took that as a sign that his vision development was progressing well. Having excellent aim is a good sign for having good vision and a predictor of being a strong reader in later years.

DS was really good at aiming and could reliably hit me in the face with the TV remote control from 10 feet away. If your DD has really good aim like that, it might be good to see if she is able to start reading.

Sorry I don't know much about the neurodivergent thing. I'm diagnosed ASD and so is DS.

“Fixated on asking about my happiness”

It’s the bond/ attachment she’s fixated on and she’s checking she hasn’t broken it. I’d assure her I’ll always love her, not matter what, and you’ll never leave her.

I also agree with the suggestion from pp to firmly tell her she’s a good child but her action wasn’t and yoi won’t let her do it again. Every time. Also if you can, physically stop her at the time of throwing etc.

Sounds like normal behaviour to me. I have 4 children- they all went through this and it passed after a few years- only to be replaced by new issues!

At that age they can go absolutely mad - very angry, screaming, hitting, smashing things - no reasoning with them. All you can do is try to manage them, stop them hurting people or breaking things - distract them - and praise them when they are being good. It is very stressful though for the parent!

Have you ever said her dad left because he was unhappy or anything like that? As that could explain her fixation on whether you’re happy.

But I think time out while reassuring her you love her but her behaviour has made you cross. And deflecting back to her about how she feels, both before she started throwing and afterwards and give her other things to so when she feels like that to help teach her coping mechanisms.

Mine had an awful temper at this age, my arms were black and blue from where she had bitten me. No behaviour problems reported at nursery and always sorry after the fact that she had hurt me

She's now a normal 8 year old (still with a bit of a temper) This will pass x

I notice you said around 6pm. My 3.5 yo can do a spectacular meltdown at any point of the day (or night) but is very angry by this time of day because he's exhausted so more likely to lash out in the hour or so before bedtime. Im not too worried as his brother did similar but is quite well rounded now at the grand old age of 5!
There's also an argument that you're her safe space so you get the brunt of the anger because she can behave like that with you, so all the overwhelm comes out at home.

I agree with this.

My DD 3.5 is similar. She can have a fairly extreme reaction to being told off /told no (even if done very kindly) which nursery have also observed. This ranges from sulking/leaving the room/crying (hysterically sometimes) to violence (hitting/throwing things). We have been very firm with her when it comes to the violence and this has started to subside.

She will often repeatedly ask afterwards “mummy are you happy”. My friend is a psychologist and says this is all connected to feeling shame very deeply. She just needs to know you can handle her feelings even when she can’t. I recommend the story books No Matter What (about a fox called Little - it’s adorable) and the Rabbit Listened.

Also, in terms of discipline I differentiate between deliberate misbehaving and loss of control in a meltdown. So we have rules that 3.5yo is expected to follow - e.g. if he draws on the table, or snatches another child's toy, he'd have an immediate consequence, such as his favourite toy taken off him. If he lashes out because of a meltdown, its not a deliberate action so I wouldn't "punish", although if he's hitting I keep him at arms length so he can't hurt me and once he's calmed down, explain why his actions made me sad. With loss of his control, we try to control the environment, so if a meltdown is building, I'll quietly remove hard plastic toys / projectiles and put some soft teddies close to hand, or move to a room less easy to cause damage (far from the TV).

I also agree if you can you need to physically stop her from throwing things or hitting and make it very clear to her it is ok to be angry but you do not hit/do not throw etc.

3.5 is extremely young and I think it's very difficult for children of this age to explain why they did things, or to talk about their feelings in any meaningful way (beyond sad, happy etc). Her dad leaving will gave had a massive impact on her in ways that she can't articulate and you can't necessarily see. Her extremely fixation on your happiness probably stems from her fear that you'll leave her too. But simply telling her that you won't isn't a fix for her worry. It will take time for her to come to terms with her dad leaving, and her meltdowns are both normal at this age and most likely made more intense by her sadness and anxiety around the situation. I'd be patient, wait out the meltdowns when they happen, and give her lots of love and security. Don't get her to analyse her feelings or make her responsible for your happiness (as she sees it). Just say, this isn't ok because hurts people/makes a mess etc). Never say, it makes mummy sad. Stay constant and loving. Consistency is key and will reassure her in time, but it will take time. You may gave adjusted to life without your partner but it may take her much much longer. Good luck, you sound like a lovely, caring mum xx

She just doesn't have the language skills yet. She knows that breaking a lamp will have upset you, so needs to check in that you still love her. Again, the tantrum would be because she is unable to communicate the problem and get overwhelmed. Completely age appropriate.

This. It sounds like she's scared you aren't happy with her, so I agree that reassuring her that you love her is important. If she's anxious about you being happy with her, that could be making her more upset (so the tantrums are longer/louder than they might be, although they sound like normal tantrums to me – 2s and 3s were awful, but they did pass).

Even if it’s not new from her father leaving, that is still very likely to be affecting her. I would consider some sessions with a child therapist, they can be extremely helpful in these situations.

My 4 year old has recently started school & his behaviour is like this mornings & evenings. Just trying to help him relax, sleep & DH and I white knuckling it out….

The only advice is when your upset and overwhelmed child asks you if you are "happy", you don't say: "no"

For a young child with limited your mum being "happy" doesn't mean: "are you in a good mood?", it can mean all sorts of things, like "are you going to be there for me, or will you leave like dad, who is not "happy"?", Do you want to be my mummy?", "am I a horrible person", "do you still love me"

So just don't say: "No".

She needs to know that you are confident, consistent and unconditional

My 3 and half year old is also in a real throwing things phase which I don’t think I remember with my eldest.
Nursery have asked us for a meeting about that and not listening to check we’re all managing it the same way. 🙈 (Though the new / fairly inexperienced nursery nurse who had to give us the news was like - so ‘er uh if you can. get him to concentrate that’d be great!’ - mate I’m trying)

So no advice really but right along there with you - I’m honest when mine ask me if I’m happy or not, as I think it’s good to talk about feelings but if it’s to avoid a talking about what’s just happened for them I’ll say yes or no and that we”ll come back to it in a ml when we’ve sorted out x out

No, I don’t think she is deflecting. I think she is anxious that you are not happy. She’s clearly a sensitive little girl and is picking up on your feelings from your facial expressions and from the circumstances. I would say to be honest with her but in a child appropriate way. I think this mantra that parents have to be happy all the time and have a smile pasted on their face is highly detrimental.

It sounds to me as well like she is looking for some sort of validation for her own feelings and she needs that from you and to know it’s okay not to be happy sometimes! Also as she sounds like an inquisitive girl, it is a good opportunity to buy some books about emotions and learn that there are all kinds of emotions and that they are all valid but there are different ways we can respond to each of the emotions.