The duck | Mumsnet

confused57 · 2025-09-22T21:24:26+00:00

i heard the saying if it walk like a duck and quack like a duck, it must be a duck. is this always true?

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 22:38

Anyone ? 🙏

OP posts:

InMyHealthyEra · 22/09/2025 22:53

No

purpleme12 · 22/09/2025 22:54

Well I doubt sayings are right 100 per cent of the time

YouMightThinkThat · 22/09/2025 22:56

It is not a scientifically proven or peer reviewed fact is it? You must know that. Are you being dense on purpose?

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:00

No i am not being dense! 🙄 I just have a hard time seing things clearly and this saying came up. I have a friend who always gets in troubble with police and it is never ever her fault. And it is hard to keep believing police is so wrong and she is just misunderstood.

OP posts:

Tomikka · 22/09/2025 23:08

The saying is not that it ‘must be a duck’ but that it is ‘probably a duck’

Therefore it’s not always a duck - it’s just a high probability that if something looks like, acts like and sounds like a particular type of thing then it’s probably one of those

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:19

Ok Thank You, english is not my first language, and I really struggle with What to do about this friend. She is always in conflict with her other friends and with police. Been to prison a few times for attacking people, but ofcourse the other person lied and there were no witnesses. Expelled from Education for making threats to other students. No witnesses. Mugged and old lady, totally a Lie she was not near that place at that time. I dont know her other friends but I find it harder and harder to belive her innocence.
I would prefer to stop being her friend but she has a lot of children and always I really feel bad for them. She has also had a lot of rapports to city counsel ( I know this is not the right term but cant translate it) about worry for her kids, but she always also get the cases closed.
I feel I am stück with her because of her kids

OP posts:

LadyTable · 22/09/2025 23:28

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:19

Ok Thank You, english is not my first language, and I really struggle with What to do about this friend. She is always in conflict with her other friends and with police. Been to prison a few times for attacking people, but ofcourse the other person lied and there were no witnesses. Expelled from Education for making threats to other students. No witnesses. Mugged and old lady, totally a Lie she was not near that place at that time. I dont know her other friends but I find it harder and harder to belive her innocence.
I would prefer to stop being her friend but she has a lot of children and always I really feel bad for them. She has also had a lot of rapports to city counsel ( I know this is not the right term but cant translate it) about worry for her kids, but she always also get the cases closed.
I feel I am stück with her because of her kids

There's also another saying.

"Your friends are a reflection of yourself."

She's been convicted and sent to prison on more than one occasion for violently attacking people, and you choose to be friends with her?

I wouldn't want anything to do with either of you.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 22/09/2025 23:30

LadyTable · 22/09/2025 23:28

There's also another saying.

"Your friends are a reflection of yourself."

She's been convicted and sent to prison on more than one occasion for violently attacking people, and you choose to be friends with her?

I wouldn't want anything to do with either of you.

Edited

Show quote history

That's a bit mean. The OP has said that she's concerned about this woman's DC.

LadyTable · 22/09/2025 23:33

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 22/09/2025 23:30

That's a bit mean. The OP has said that she's concerned about this woman's DC.

Show quote history

Yeah that's bollocks.

If this woman's been in and out of prison the authorities will be dealing with her children.

The OP chooses to be friends with this woman and 'finds it harder and harder to believe her innocence'.

Errrrm hello? She's been imprisoned on more than one occasion for violent crimes 🙄

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:34

She was my neighbor, a lot younger than me, her kids very insistent to be frindly. She got evicted not live close by.
it was easier to say friend. We had coffee in the garden sometimes and I blurred the lines and I think she thinks we are friends. And yes u am not good with bounderies and I dont know how to get out of it and I feel so bad for her children

OP posts:

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:35

Now live close by

OP posts:

Original poster

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:37

I really appreciate your time and replies. Im sorry I said she is my friend, she is not. Im 20 years older than her but I let her kids in “ to say hi to the cat” and then we started talking and had coffee and before I knew it I was so involved in her problems and her kids.

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 23/09/2025 19:51

confused57 · 22/09/2025 23:19

Ok Thank You, english is not my first language, and I really struggle with What to do about this friend. She is always in conflict with her other friends and with police. Been to prison a few times for attacking people, but ofcourse the other person lied and there were no witnesses. Expelled from Education for making threats to other students. No witnesses. Mugged and old lady, totally a Lie she was not near that place at that time. I dont know her other friends but I find it harder and harder to belive her innocence.
I would prefer to stop being her friend but she has a lot of children and always I really feel bad for them. She has also had a lot of rapports to city counsel ( I know this is not the right term but cant translate it) about worry for her kids, but she always also get the cases closed.
I feel I am stück with her because of her kids

Yeah, an innocent person might be the victim of a malicious allegation or a mistake once, but not over and over like this. Definitely a duck situation. It looks like she's a nasty violent woman, and she is.

Another expression in English is "hoofbeats are usually horses, not zebras".

Original poster

confused57 · 23/09/2025 20:31

Than you for your answer. It just dawned on me Yesterday and I have known her for a year. I have no idea how to get out of this as “im all she has”, in sense of an adult in her life - her friends are like her self.. I really did not see it coming. What a mess

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 23/09/2025 22:04

confused57 · 23/09/2025 20:31

Than you for your answer. It just dawned on me Yesterday and I have known her for a year. I have no idea how to get out of this as “im all she has”, in sense of an adult in her life - her friends are like her self.. I really did not see it coming. What a mess

If she has no decent people (apart from you) as friends, and none that have lasted more than a year, there's a reason. You're not responsible for her.

Two more English phrases for you:

"You shall know them by the company they keep"

&

"If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas".

There will have been other people who tried to persuade her to change her ways. She has made her own choices.

Original poster

confused57 · 23/09/2025 22:21

You are right. And Thank you. But I have no idea how to “make her go away” without causing offence, and as i now know she Can be unpleasant and live near by ( 6-7 minuts) I dont know how to approach it

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 23/09/2025 22:56

confused57 · 23/09/2025 22:21

You are right. And Thank you. But I have no idea how to “make her go away” without causing offence, and as i now know she Can be unpleasant and live near by ( 6-7 minuts) I dont know how to approach it

Just get it over with, I'd say. Next time she wants to meet, text her: "Actually Mary, due to your long history of violence and criminal convictions, I really don't feel safe around you, so we won't be meeting again. I hope you will start taking responsibility for your actions - maybe some form of anger management training would be helpful - but I can't be the one to help you. All the best, Confused". Then block her on every medium. If you're lucky you won't hear from her again. But don't open the door without knowing who it is, at least for a week or two. Do you have a Ring doorbell or similar?

Original poster

confused57 · 23/09/2025 23:13

No i dont have. And as I have been “believing” her stories so far, it would be a really weird stand to take, suddenly. I dont want open confrontation with her. And im pretty sure she would ignore my attempts to let it fizzle out, as I am always the one she call. I am so incredible stupid but it was so hard to keep saying no to her children wanting to come in for the cat, when they lived next door. And since then, I have been so week because of those kids..

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 24/09/2025 14:15

confused57 · 23/09/2025 23:13

No i dont have. And as I have been “believing” her stories so far, it would be a really weird stand to take, suddenly. I dont want open confrontation with her. And im pretty sure she would ignore my attempts to let it fizzle out, as I am always the one she call. I am so incredible stupid but it was so hard to keep saying no to her children wanting to come in for the cat, when they lived next door. And since then, I have been so week because of those kids..

Probably best to just block her then, and stop letting the kids in. It's going to be unpleasant whatever you do - it's just a question of whether you spread the unpleasantness over weeks / months / years / your entire life, or get it over with fast. So why not just get it over with, and learn your lesson for the future. From now on, you'll be more wary of people with implausible stories about how everything always goes wrong for them and it's never their fault. Who knows, you might even avoid someone worse in the future because of this. Be brave; end it.