Feeling judged for choosing to not return to work

[User28884995]

I have decided to not return to work after my maternity leave has ended with our second baby. Our older child has just started school and is in reception. I was in a job I found quite stressful and emotionally tiring, I had been working in that area for the past ten years. However, largely this has come about as I have a heart condition which worsened in pregnancy and I am advised by doctors that I will need open heart surgery and valve replacement in the coming years depending on how it progresses but it is a certainty at some point I will need this surgery. This has scared me a lot, the thought of not being about for my children has been a large driver which has made me feel unable to start my baby in childcare or send my older child to breakfast and after school clubs. I really feel like I need to be there for them whilst they are young whilst I can physically be fit and able to and whilst I know I am around as to be honest I have a big fear open heart surgery or this heart condition could shorten my life.

I feel judged by other parents for not returning to work or starting my child at nursery, people often just asking about when I’m going to go back to work, how long I’m going to take out of work, what work I was doing, why I’m not going back. I don’t want to disclose my health condition to random people in this way and it’s not something which is visible to others so I just feel incredibly judged. People ask ‘what do you do all day’ or ‘had a good day at home?’ with the judgement of not being at work rather caring for my 14 month old. I am actually non stop caring for my child and doing all care for my other child around school hours.

My husband has supported me to make this change but at times can be contradicting and say he thinks it may have been financially better that i worked or can make me feel othered by saying most people where we live so return to work and may judge me. This is really upsetting as it really all comes down to me feeling I may not be here in a few years and I just want to raise my young children while I can. We can get by financially but not much extra for savings but we are used to living in our means and are not extravagant at all with spending.

I’m just hoping for feedback- I’m feeling very judged from other parents and at times my husband and just feeling quite lost with whether I am right to feel judged in this way. I know the most important thing right now is for me to raise my children and it’s not something I would regret if in the future I face the heart surgery but it’s feeling hard with so much judgement on a daily basis.

Solidarity, I was shocked at the tone I got back from some of my family about me staying off an extra ye or two after maternity for my first child, and probably only child. Ours was for financial reasons too, lived in huge cost of living area and nursery was more than my salary, after ivf wiped out half our savings so we didn't have a deposit for London anymore we moved away for a few years near family and where we coukd live on one salary plus some freelancing work I do.

It's entirely self funded and not claiming anything, in fact I make more doing this than I would paying full time nursery (no family at all where we lived before) but you'd think I was loafing about on my arse from some of the comments from family members. I've worked since I was 16 part time through education and uni and worked immediately from leaving uni full time to having my son, so was blind sided by the push back!

You'll hear lots of arguments for and against, you just have to be happy in your decision and perhaps learn from my mistake, don't explain too much or justify yourself because it falls on deaf ears, easier to just shrug and move on. Enjoy the time with your kids :)

Hi OP I had 8 years off. We are an army family and moved anyway but it was brilliant to have the time with the children. I have to say we are worse off than friends who didn’t do that and I am further behind in my career now than peers but it’s fine. It doesn’t matter what others think. I have to say I do think as time went on my husband became slightly resentful that I was not working and it sounds like your husband is not totally on board with it so probably best to talk it through properly.

Only you know what's truly right for you. It's hard to take a stand against the common opinion.
Perhaps people don't mean quite as much as you think by their questions some of the time.
Just make up your mind not to pay too much attention as they don't know your situation.
It seems to me it would be good to avoid unnecessary stress for your MH.
Well done for doing what you believe in!
I doubt you will regret it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your health struggles. The thought of potentially needing such an invasive surgery must feel really overwhelming and frightening.

Please try not to let what others say get to you. I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m currently pregnant, and once the baby is here, I’m planning to take a full year off and then go back to full time work. Both my husband and I are high earners, so financially I don’t have to return, but I genuinely enjoy my career and want to continue in the field I love. I worked hard for this.

Still, I constantly get guilt-tripped by people I know: “Why go back to work if you don’t need to? Why not raise your child yourself instead of relying on childcare?” And I’m not even talking about a nanny—just a childminder for school drop-offs and pick-ups! It’s so frustrating because it feels like no matter what you do, you just can’t win.

At the end of the day, none of that outside noise matters. What’s most important is doing what feels right for you and your family.

I don't think it's wildly unusual not to work for a few years or more after having a child, particularly a second or third. There's no benefit in them being in nursery until around 3 and then it doesn't have to be full time. I've always only worked a few days a week so I can have a lot of time with my children. No one has ever asked what I've done all day when looking after small kids.

I’ve got similar ages to you (one started reception this month, the other is two) and whilst I went straight back to work with DC1 I haven’t returned to work with DC2. I do often get asked if/ when I am going to return to work. I also feel a bit sheepish because DC2 goes to nursery a few days a week even though I’m not working (he loves it), but fortunately/ unfortunately for me I was very unwell with DC2 who was then very unwell himself (NICU, major operation, etc) and all our friends know what happened, so I think I feel less judged for that reason, although I do sometimes feel judged nonetheless. I don’t really dwell on it though, I think you just have to put it out of you mind and do what’s right for you 💕

You get judged if you do or don’t! I went back to work and had the opposite comments! If you know the decision is right for you and your family, then don’t worry or care what others think.

What other people think doesn’t matter, but your husbands opinion matters greatly. Are you sure he’s completely on board with you not going back to work at all? Is there a compromise that needs to be found where you work part time or agree to go back after a certain amount of time?

You're doing what is best for your children. Try and ignore all the judgement from others, it usually comes from a place of jealousy. No one is going to look back on their life and wish they worked more, many will look back and wish they spent more time with their children. You are doing the right thing. I'd respond to the questions by telling then how much you love being able to spend every day caring for your children instead of shipping them off to childcare. That's a valid enough reason, no one needs to know about your health. Tell your DH how much his comments are hurting you and that it needs to stop.

People are judgemental about everything these days, and are especially judgemental of mothers.
I did the same as you for the same reasons (wanting/needing to and poor health) and other women said some really horrible things to me about it. You have to do what’s right for your family. Better to be judged for doing what you want to do than looking back with regret because you followed the instruction of judgemental people. Walk your own path.

I’m sorry to hear about your health issues. It is your decision and you and your husband are the only ones who get a say.

I do feel like you can’t win - I went back pretty quickly full time, I had comments about the “long days” my child would have to do at nursery (the days are the same length at home in fact!), and comments about how they were so little and how would they cope and why didn’t I go part time at least etc etc. nobody ever said anything like this to my husband who also works full time which particularly irked me.

so overall do what is right for you and learn to briefly smile say “mmmm” and then change the subject to the weather (it is useful for many judgy comments with parenting). Also I find a neutral toned “I don’t want to discuss that thank you” and then change the subject to the weather tends to shut the more persistent judgers up.

I haven’t worked since I was 32 (I’m now 44). I used to have a very senior role and I hated it. That and a combination of my own health issues and Ds now aged 13 having autism etc has meant I’ve never gone back. It really doesn’t bother me at all what people think of me. I’m happy, it’s my life and whatever negativity they have is usually a result of their own insecurities.

Something I will say though is that not everyone asking what you do / if you’re going back to work is asking in a judgemental way. We’re so programmed in the western world to see people as their jobs it’s like people don’t know how to start a conversation without it. Once I realised this I stopped over thinking things so much.

Being a SAHM (for whatever reason) is not at all unusual so who are all these rude people commenting on your life? I was a SAHM for 9 years and I very rarely got a comment from anyone. I don’t regret a day of it nor will I apologise or justify my choice to anyone - and neither should you. Think of a few stock phrases that you could use to politely shut down such comments, and those who repeat them are no friend to you.

The only person whose opinion has any weight is your DH’s, and it doesn’t sound like he’s entirely comfortable with you being a SAHM, so this is something you need to discuss and come to an understanding or compromise. I wish you well x

You'll get judged whatever you do! My parents and husband's parents were appalled that I went back to work - according to them a mother's place is in the home 🙄
Just do whatever suits you and your family, it's nobody else's business.
Good luck with your health issues 🤞

I couldn’t imagine being so rude to someone about something that is literally none of my business, which leads me to think these people are jealous because they wish they could do the same but can’t afford to, or resentful because they fell for the lie that their job defines their whole identity and motherhood is just an nice little ‘extra’ tick box rather than worthy of all sacrifice.

OP i’m sorry to hear of your health struggles.

come up with a little list of smug come backs that really rub it in just how much you’re happy with your decision next time someone is anything but happy for you.

I think the big problem with this is not other people, but your husband. Did you have a discussion about it and go through finances? Did he agree? He sounds under pressure (understandable) but if this was a mutually agreed thing then he needs to stop mentioning it

Just wanted to chime in as someone who’s not a parent yet and say my mum was a SAHM and as a child I honestly adored it. I remember thinking my friends’ parents who worked were hardly around and I got so much quality time with my mum. Sod what everyone else thinks, if this is best for you and your family then who cares what they’ve got to say? A lot of it is likely jealousy if I’m honest. I’d have a stock answer that I give each time, maybe along the lines of “I’m really lucky to spend so much time with the kids whilst they’re young and I’m taking full advantage of it”. Always find it baffling how much people care about what other people do or don’t do. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters

You’ll get judged whatever you do! But you seem to be spending too much time, or talking to too many people about what your work plans are after mat leave.

I’m on my second mat leave and even with good friends I can’t say this has come up at all.

are you seeking out the conversation to try get reassurance it’s okay?

Thank you everyone for the advice. My husband and I did discuss this before at greta length and he had said he supported me to do this for our family and understood why I wanted to be more present for my children especially with my heart worry but it seems now I have actually handed in notice and am not going back, or when I share comments others have said to try to seek support from him he can then say comments about how he thinks I should have gone back for financial reasons or it’s not the norm to not go back type of thing but having previously supported me to resign and have this time with the children so that’s been hard.

I empathise. I was the same and felt judged by some, but as time went on I felt more confident. One day a friend said to me "no mother ever says 'I wish I spent less time with my children'" and that is what spurred me on. I now look back on my sahm days with immense pride and thanks that I had the opportunity to do so. All the best for your health op.

Been a SAHM for 17 years and counting....ignore others. Do whatever is best for you and your family.

Mine are teens now but I had a few years off when they were little, i did work but very part time and now full time.
Yes we are a bit skinter than some friends but I would never miss out on those years. It zoomed by and loved it.
The only person you need to talk it through with anf make sure you're is on the same page with is your DH as he is justified to feel he is carrying all the financial burden. If needs be go to a counsellor and properly talk.
Everyone else can basically fuck.off with their judging!

Other people - are they judging or are they merely asking?

Your husband - well, it sounds like in theory he’s on board but is a bit worried now it’s a reality - it’s a big thing to be the sole breadwinner.

Be kind to yourself and each other. Support each other.

“A mother’s place is in the wrong.”
Do what works for you.
The only thing I would say as the parent of an adult who had open heart surgery in his early twenties, is that recovery was took longer than he expected. You are likely to be in hospital for at least a week, and not able to do much at all for weeks after that. You won’t be able to look after DC alone for a good few months. So it would make sense to have them used to being in childcare well before you have the op.
But I also know how heart wrenching it was for me to have the DC in childcare as babies - I hated it. And that was working short days. How people do it full time, I don’t know. It’s only very recently that mothers of small children have been expected to work fulltime, there are a lot of mothers and children who would be happier at home together.
Maybe a part time job might work for you?

It’s not acceptable to respond with similar comments about mothers going out to work so you don’t hear them. Of course your children will be better off with their mother’s full attention and time. It’s the ideal, just not an option for the vast majority. Your husband is being a bit of a git. Explain to him that if he undermines you he is impacting your confidence and his children and marriage.