To buy a house here?

[Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek]

I live about a 3 hour flight from my parents (in a different country). I have a great job, friends, social life and generally my quality of life is great. Dh is the same. We have primary aged kids who are thriving, happy, healthy, lots of friends, clubs, good reports, all good etc. We have been renting the entire time we have lived here. The past few years my husband has been saying that we need to buy if we want to stay here. We do.

The thing is, my parents didn't take it well when we made the move 9 years ago (for career reasons). They went quite frosty for about 2 or 3 years and there were some passive aggressive digs at the start. I'm an only child and they are both retired. They have never come outright to say they think we should move back, but they have never once said that they are happy for us or that they think we should make the most of our wonderful life here. They don't say enough to be explicitly accused of being negative, but they certainly don't say anything positive about our lives. If I'm with my parents and we meet someone who asks about where I live, my parents change the subject and it seems like a real sore point.

They can't travel for health reasons but they did visit a few years ago and said they didn't like it as there's nothing to do. We live in a quiet residential area but it's very close to a huge tourist destination. I've tried to speak to them about it and my dad kind of makes the right noises but my mum looks at the floor and doesn't say anything. We have a tricky relationship anyway and I try not to push it but it makes me feel so guilty!!!

I have a job with flexi hours and so go home to visit my parents every 6-8 weeks, normally for a weekend but often for a week or so and normally bring the kids when I can.

I feel like I cannot tell them we are going to buy a house as it will cement the fact that we will not be moving home. Dh is getting impatient with me and angry that I don't show interest in houses for sale but I feel so terrible about abandoning my parents I lie awake at night in a cold sweat! And have been doing for the best part of a decade. Sometimes I want to go home just to make the guilt stop.bit eats me up inside and hovers over me like a black cloud.

Would I be that bad a person if we bought a house here, even if I continued going home frequently?

You have to do what's best for you, your husband and family. You both have jobs, kids and a good life where you live. It time for you to buy a house as it appears that your in a financial position to do this. I know in a lot of places it getting harder to rent a place and rent is going up also. Then if your kids are in a good school and work is close by you know the areas of where to buy and the places to avoid.

The reality is that a lot of people don't live beside their parents. Even if you lived just a few miles away both you and your husband are working, you have kids and evenings and weekend are busy times with kid's.

I would just say to your parents on the phone that you have decided to buy a house in your area as long term you want the stability of home ownership rather than renting. If your mother makes a nasty comment I would just say that your going to hang up the phone. Your hardly going to move home with a husband, kids and no jobs to mind your parents. Your parents are adults who had their own lives and it time for you to work on building up a good life for you, your husband and kid's.

I know people that moved abroad to get qualifications and or jobs after university. Some of them planed to move home after a few years but then they got good jobs, met there other half, got married and had kid's. They had good jobs and lives abroad and they would not have the same in there home town. The parents traveled to see them and they come home on holidays. The parents face timed them regularly as well.

I know several people in university or just starting there career's and they are open to moving abroad to get more experience and better jobs.

In that case, they should be doing their utmost to keep you on side, not infuriate you to the point where you might decide to go no contact.

Do you have to tell them you are buying, can't you just move?

Not telling them isn't really an option because even if your in laws don't tell them your kids will blab at some point.

You will feel bad about this until you own your choice and make peace with the fact that, while your parents raised you and you love them, this does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself to their (unreasonable) feelings. They are entitled to their feelings, but you cannot change them nor is it your responsibility to manage them. It sounds as though you already do much to maintain a difficult connection with them.

It is incredibly hard to have a ‘wonderful life’. Please appreciate how rare a privilege this is and prioritise it, for yourself and your children.

If, to you, that means never mentioning to your parents that you bought a house then so be it. If you cannot share this news and be your authentic self with your parents there will always be a barrier in your relationship, but perhaps the barrier already exists and it is more worthwhile in the long term to keep the news to yourself. But do not jeopardise the life you love because of it. You have to move forward.

I bet your sleepless nights are not about the house as much as your relationship with your parents in general, and maybe that’s something you need to talk through with a professional, rather than them, so you can come to terms with your differences and your separation from them (both physical and emotional).

Having a lovely like if no small thing. Nurture and protect it as we never know what might be coming down the road.

They need to grow up and get over themselves. It’s almost a decade. How self absorbed are they to actually think you need to run this past them or explain your family decisions to them.

Oh OP, that is so tough

I would say that your priority is your young family and to do what is best for them.

Obviously your parents will need help as they get older, and this may put extra burden on you in future. People don’t realise how hard it is to look after parents who won’t cooperate or compromise

Does anyone need to know whether you are buying or renting if your parents and in laws live in another country? It makes no difference to them whether you own your house or not.

This brought a tear to my eye. You're very insightful. Thank you.

Youre a brilliant daughter visiting so often, they are very lucky. Buy the house and tell both sets of parents together.

You’re so welcome. I hope you find a way to accept your feelings and embrace your happiness.

How they choose to react to your decisions about your life is nothing to do with you. It’s their own issue and you can’t control that. And if you can’t control that…why not do what you actually want with your one wild and precious life?
And get thee to therapy as soon as you can

Not a good idea not to tell them.
They will feel deceived and justifiably so.
Much better to tell them up front

In common parlance, they need to suck it up and you, you have no reason to feel guilty. It’s always devastating for a parent when their child moves overseas. I get that. But a parent can’t hold them back. If they don’t like it, tough. It would be far better for them to accept this and be happy for you. And maybe dial down the frostiness. It just pushes you away.

I don’t see you’ve done anything wrong. Go ahead and live your life for your family.

I think you are very dutiful and caring visiting that frequently. Especially with young children and a busy life.