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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house here?

40 replies

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:18

I live about a 3 hour flight from my parents (in a different country). I have a great job, friends, social life and generally my quality of life is great. Dh is the same. We have primary aged kids who are thriving, happy, healthy, lots of friends, clubs, good reports, all good etc. We have been renting the entire time we have lived here. The past few years my husband has been saying that we need to buy if we want to stay here. We do.

The thing is, my parents didn't take it well when we made the move 9 years ago (for career reasons). They went quite frosty for about 2 or 3 years and there were some passive aggressive digs at the start. I'm an only child and they are both retired. They have never come outright to say they think we should move back, but they have never once said that they are happy for us or that they think we should make the most of our wonderful life here. They don't say enough to be explicitly accused of being negative, but they certainly don't say anything positive about our lives. If I'm with my parents and we meet someone who asks about where I live, my parents change the subject and it seems like a real sore point.

They can't travel for health reasons but they did visit a few years ago and said they didn't like it as there's nothing to do. We live in a quiet residential area but it's very close to a huge tourist destination. I've tried to speak to them about it and my dad kind of makes the right noises but my mum looks at the floor and doesn't say anything. We have a tricky relationship anyway and I try not to push it but it makes me feel so guilty!!!

I have a job with flexi hours and so go home to visit my parents every 6-8 weeks, normally for a weekend but often for a week or so and normally bring the kids when I can.

I feel like I cannot tell them we are going to buy a house as it will cement the fact that we will not be moving home. Dh is getting impatient with me and angry that I don't show interest in houses for sale but I feel so terrible about abandoning my parents I lie awake at night in a cold sweat! And have been doing for the best part of a decade. Sometimes I want to go home just to make the guilt stop.bit eats me up inside and hovers over me like a black cloud.

Would I be that bad a person if we bought a house here, even if I continued going home frequently?

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 22/09/2025 19:23

Maybe just don’t mention you bought a house here!! Prevents any unnecessary upset and emotional blackmail.

OhNoNotSusan · 22/09/2025 19:25

dont tell them until the deal is done

Zonder · 22/09/2025 19:26

They probably don't need to know.

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:28

My parents and in laws live near eachother and it would mean making my husband keep it a secret from his parents and that's not right. My in laws are blabbermouths anyway.

OP posts:
Nushi21 · 22/09/2025 19:28

I was thinking the same thing. That they don’t need to know. Don’t let emotional blackmail get in the way of what you want and what is good for your family.
Edit after reading that your in laws might mention the move/house buy.
In that case just tell them. They can’t make you move back home. But tell them before the in laws as your parents could use that against you.

Sagedragon · 22/09/2025 19:28

Why would they need to know that you've bought?

civetcat · 22/09/2025 19:29

Definitely buy a house - it'll be great for your family and give you a stable home where you like living. Up to you if you tell them. I didn't tell family I was buying a home until the sale had completed and the removal booked as I knew they'd be difficult about it (while insisting they had my best interests at heart…)

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:32

They don’t need to know you’ve bought a house. 9 years in and living a very settled life I think your parents already know you’re unlikely to be coming back. Other than not being in the same country as them, why are they so offended by your move? Surely even if you moved back to the same country as them you’d still not necessarily be down the road or around the corner? You could be even further away with worse work conditions so still unable to see them any more regularly?

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:32

Even the thought of telling them post-fact is awful. They would be so weird about not having been told. I was hauled over coals for not including them enough in decisions about my wedding which was bad enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:36

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:32

They don’t need to know you’ve bought a house. 9 years in and living a very settled life I think your parents already know you’re unlikely to be coming back. Other than not being in the same country as them, why are they so offended by your move? Surely even if you moved back to the same country as them you’d still not necessarily be down the road or around the corner? You could be even further away with worse work conditions so still unable to see them any more regularly?

Honestly, I don't even know. Half the time I don't even think my mum even likes me! She seems to see it as a complete betrayal but knows she can't just come right out and say that. She used to pick a lot of fights with me when we first moved which was her unleashing her anger. Honestly, if my kids grew up to be as happy as DH and I are, I'd be over the moon! There are so many issues with mental health, depression etc that surely parents would be happy their adult kids were settled with a great husband, happy kids and lovely life! It's like they recognise we are happy and very begrudgingly accept it!

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 22/09/2025 19:38

Just stop giving a shit about their opinions. You like where you live. It’s your life. They can disapprove. They can be upset. Tough shit they had their life. This is yours. Buy your house. Tell your parents and stop giving a crap about their negativity

Bonbon21 · 22/09/2025 19:45

This is your life with your family. You live that life in the place you believe is best for all of you.
Your parents sound quite controlling so if it wasnt this , it would probably be something else.
And if they break ties, theirs would be the bigger loss.

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:48

I'm also dealing with the fact that they are in their late 70s and not in good health. It's not outside the realm of possibility that one of them will die and the other will be left totally alone. They don't have much family apart from me.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 22/09/2025 20:00

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:48

I'm also dealing with the fact that they are in their late 70s and not in good health. It's not outside the realm of possibility that one of them will die and the other will be left totally alone. They don't have much family apart from me.

.. all the more reason why they should be cherishing their relationship with you.. not chipping away at it! They would be foolish to make you choose....

SoloSofa24 · 22/09/2025 20:15

I don't know about you, OP, but I did not have children with the intention of controlling their life choices to ensure that they only lived in places I approved of and that they would be available to look after me in old age. Their lives are theirs to live as they choose, as is mine, and my only hope is for them to be happy and healthy.

Your priority now should be your own children, not your parents, who don't really sound like particularly nice people from your description. Buy the house, let them know, and they can sulk if they like.

Redheadedstepchild · 22/09/2025 20:38

I sympathise as I too am an only child who lives in a different country to my parents, (Well only mum now.) Do your parents rent as well or do they own their own home?

If they rent then my cunning plan might not work as well but here goes:

The alternative to not involving them at all is over involving them in a kind of reverse psychology way. Moan endlessly about rent going up, sick of landlord, tired of throwing good money into somebody else's bank account. Especially a rotten johnny foreigner. Whatever. You can think of more arguments along those lines yourself.

Over involve them to the point that you kind of fake ask them for advice.

The trick is to cajole them into thinking that by the end of it, they think that they'd actually come up with the idea themselves or at the very least be so sick of the subject that they would rather talk about anything else and just want it over with.

You may, of course, have already tried that.

But this time follow through with actively looking for somewhere to buy and compare the advantages of the prospective new places with your current overly moaned about situation.

Make them feel like part of the process.

It's a lot of mental effort but that's my best suggestion so far.

Zanatdy · 22/09/2025 21:09

My mum wasn’t happy when I moved 250 miles away when I was 24, so I can understand your hesitation here. I have 3 grown up DC and will be genuinely happy for them to live anywhere. I am finally moving back after 25yrs, and my mum is over the moon. Largely for my own reasons (much cheaper cost of living, youngest goes to uni next year so not tied to area anymore) but also because my mum isn’t getting any younger and have sadly already lost my dad now. But we have to do what’s best for us. Just don’t tell them and if they find out, be honest why you haven’t told them.

BadActingParsley · 24/09/2025 06:55

Some people just like having stuff to bitch about. If you moved back it probably wouldn’t be good enough or near enough or the right time. You are happy, as long as you are sure buying a house is the right thing for your family then do it. It’s tough being an only child but you can do this.

user7638490 · 24/09/2025 07:34

Night sweats about telling your parents about buying a house is an extreme reaction. You say the relationship is tricky anyway, so I wonder if you need some help processing your relationship with your parents. I’d think about having some therapy (with someone who knows about attachment relationships), and buy the house. It’s not easy to just shrug off your parents’ attitude, but focus on your new family, and do what’s best for them, and work on the night sweats in therapy.

SunshineAndFizz · 24/09/2025 07:47

I mean this kindly…pull yourself together.

You’re a grown woman making a very normal and sensible choice for her family.

You’ve already made your decision, so just tell her and get it over with. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Bubblesgun · 24/09/2025 08:28

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:18

I live about a 3 hour flight from my parents (in a different country). I have a great job, friends, social life and generally my quality of life is great. Dh is the same. We have primary aged kids who are thriving, happy, healthy, lots of friends, clubs, good reports, all good etc. We have been renting the entire time we have lived here. The past few years my husband has been saying that we need to buy if we want to stay here. We do.

The thing is, my parents didn't take it well when we made the move 9 years ago (for career reasons). They went quite frosty for about 2 or 3 years and there were some passive aggressive digs at the start. I'm an only child and they are both retired. They have never come outright to say they think we should move back, but they have never once said that they are happy for us or that they think we should make the most of our wonderful life here. They don't say enough to be explicitly accused of being negative, but they certainly don't say anything positive about our lives. If I'm with my parents and we meet someone who asks about where I live, my parents change the subject and it seems like a real sore point.

They can't travel for health reasons but they did visit a few years ago and said they didn't like it as there's nothing to do. We live in a quiet residential area but it's very close to a huge tourist destination. I've tried to speak to them about it and my dad kind of makes the right noises but my mum looks at the floor and doesn't say anything. We have a tricky relationship anyway and I try not to push it but it makes me feel so guilty!!!

I have a job with flexi hours and so go home to visit my parents every 6-8 weeks, normally for a weekend but often for a week or so and normally bring the kids when I can.

I feel like I cannot tell them we are going to buy a house as it will cement the fact that we will not be moving home. Dh is getting impatient with me and angry that I don't show interest in houses for sale but I feel so terrible about abandoning my parents I lie awake at night in a cold sweat! And have been doing for the best part of a decade. Sometimes I want to go home just to make the guilt stop.bit eats me up inside and hovers over me like a black cloud.

Would I be that bad a person if we bought a house here, even if I continued going home frequently?

You need to start living your life. You re not here to make your parents happy. It s your life and you inly have one.
they accept it or they suck it up. I know i am blunt but it is thr truth. They act like that because they can see it works in you. It s bullying.

show them that you care about them but that you do not care about their feelings about you living abroad.
you need to get your power back. And tell them.
“i am happy with the life we have built, i am happy that my kids - your grandkids - are happy, if you cant be happy for us thats sad but thats your choice. So stop thr passive aggressive negativity”.

i havent lived in my own country for 20yrs it s very clear that i would never come back to live there. I go there in holidays.

take your power back!

SundayGirl86 · 24/09/2025 08:42

Just thinking completely practically, I’d buy a house now - you could already have had years paid off a mortgage had you bought earlier. It makes complete financial sense and if in future you and your DH decide to move back (unlike from what you say) then you can sell it. It’s really not the problem you think it is. Have you considered therapy to unpick the unnecessary guilt you’re feeling?

childofthe607080s · 24/09/2025 08:55

They may well feel sad - it’s natural - and you have to accept that without letting it rule your life . They can’t / should not lie to you

but it really is a difficult situation- every time they are poorly you may well feel more guilt because you want to be in two places at the same time

we can’t be close to both families so we have made sure that we have spare enough cash to do easy trips - paying for more expensive travel to make it quick and fit in with our lives. Because you have to live your life and your husband and children count but you will always be split - acceptance is the only way and allowing yourself to feel it

GiveDogBone · 24/09/2025 18:09

They don’t get to choose how you live your life. Your family and children come first.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 25/09/2025 01:48

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:28

My parents and in laws live near eachother and it would mean making my husband keep it a secret from his parents and that's not right. My in laws are blabbermouths anyway.

I don’t see why you can’t keep it a secret including from your in laws, until it’s a done deal. Buying a house is stressful enough without adding to it. Also, when people know (even aside from your parents) there are always lots of questions which can be anxiety inducing.