To not return to working as a Mother of 4, after 20 years of being the bread winner??

[NorthernPoet]

Hi all!

Apologies for the length!

Summary : AIBU for becoming a SAHP after 20 years in the workforce, following a stillbirth and resulting end of employment?

Over a year ago, I returned to work when my youngest baby was just a few weeks old, as I have done every time due to lack of maternity pay, especially in my sector. Life went on and we settled into a new routine.

Fast forward a year and I suffered a still-birth in June of this year (baby was the result of a shock pregnancy to say the least!!) But I suffered greatly with the trauma and my mental health declined rapidly. The post mortem basically blamed my workplace for stress, causing baby's death and I don't think I ever will forgive them.

During my time off work to recover (July and August), my work had a merger and restructure, leaving my role completely different (different job tasks, different title, completely different environment etc) and as a Neurodiverse employee, I returned to work on 3rd September and essentially had a breakdown.

On 4th September, at 8am, I resigned after 20 years of being the breadwinner for my family. I did this as recent events have taught me I cant be replaced at home, but work will replace me at the drop of a hat and no salary is worth my health, especially my mental wellbeing.

My problem is now that I don't know what to do! I have had many interviews and turned all bar one down, the remaining one being a part time, local position on a reduced salary but for a seemingly great little organisation in a close knit team. Alternatively, I could not return at all?? My husband has been fortunate enough to secure a wonderful role during the summer which matches my salary and is more than happy for me to take some time to be a stay-at-home-parent, after allowing him to do the same for the majority of our marriage.

2 of our children are SEN, one is only 18 months old and another in primary (two high schoolers) so being around during the day, doing school runs, taking care of our home, life admin, school holiday care is so appealing after all these years!! But am I unreasonable to give up working after all these years to become a SAHP?? I feel selfish and guilty for doing so, after being the 'worker' for so long.

Please pass me your wisdom!

I think it would be wise to at least take some time to figure things out without rushing and pressuring yourself. Considering you are in the financial position to do it and the fact your husband is supportive, I would just take some time out to process your grief but also the change in your job circumstances. You don’t have to make the decision right now.

Don't go back to work. De stress. Regroup. It may not be forever but just take some time to work out what you want

Im so sorry for your loss 💐

Can you afford to stay off work?
What does your husband say, does he work - can he afford to support you all if you do give up?
Can't you take some time off paid or unpaid in which you can take time to evaluate your position?

Its litterally in the op @Lanzarotelady
My husband has been fortunate enough to secure a wonderful role during the summer which matches my salary and is more than happy for me to take some time to be a stay-at-home-parent, after allowing him to do the same for the majority of our marriage.

I think that if you and your H are in agreement then take some time for yourself and figure out what you want to do
I am very sorry for your loss

You can always go back. I work in finance and rehiring women who have been out having children is massive. They’re past the illness years, past the maternity leave years and let’s be honest, none of us are getting to retire anytime soon, so lots of years of stable work left.

Take some time out to see how you feel

Apologies if this is insensitive but why did you return to work so quickly , you’re still entitled to 12 months mat leave aren’t you ? I worked with a lady who’s son was still born and she took the full year off .
I understand that your maternity package isn’t great but if husband could afford to support you . You possibly haven’t given yourself time to grieve your loss x

Completely missed that, skim reading

I did the same after my DD was stillborn. The idea of being home with nothing to do when you should be looking after a newborn is difficult. I’m not sure returning when I did was the right decision, but once you’ve ended maternity leave you can’t change your mind.

Why not take a year out and see how you feel at the end of that?

Think of it as a long convalescence - you have suffered physically and mentally so totally and absolutely needed.

Sorry for your loss.

Take a break. Have a rest, then regroup and something will come up work wise in a year or two.

We arent machines.

I am so sorry you lost your baby. That must've been heartbreaking. I would definitely take some time off now. I don't think it's the right time to start a new job and get to know new procedures and new people. Stay at home, look after your family and look after yourself as well you've been through horrendous experiences and you need time to heal.

YABU to even ask this question. You lost a baby only a few months ago, you need time to process this and your husband has been a SAHP for the majority of your married life. Of course you are entitled to take time off!
Can I ask what amazing role he got after not working for so long?