To make DS stick it out until half term before deciding school vs homeschool?

[Angelstegy]

This is long and rambly but I really don’t know what to do anymore.

DS is 13, Y8 now, he has ADHD, dyslexia, a processing disorder and he also has an EHCP. We homeschooled him from Y5 to Y7 because mainstream was just a constant battle. Teachers either didn’t get him or didn’t care, he was always in trouble for stuff that’s literally part of his diagnosis (fidgeting, not finishing work, needing things repeated). He was miserable, we were miserable, so I pulled him out and he did much better at home.

Then at the end of Y7 he suddenly said he wanted to go back to school. He did a few trial days before the summer holidays and he actually loved it. Came home smiling, talking about lessons, seemed proud of himself, even said he wanted to try it properly in September. DH and I were so relieved, we thought maybe he was ready and things might finally click.

But it’s only been a couple of weeks since term started and honestly it feels like déjà vu of everything that went wrong before. For example:

• Teacher told him to “stop asking stupid questions” when he asked for instructions repeated. His EHCP literally says he needs things broken down and repeated.
• He’s been stopped from joining in PE twice because he “takes too long to get changed”. They just left him sitting on the side watching everyone else.
• Given a detention for “backchat” when he told a teacher he hadn’t understood the homework.
• The laptop promised in his EHCP has “been delayed until January” so he’s already falling behind with written work.
• Kids are calling him names (slow, sp#z, r##ard), one shoved his bag in the bin, he told staff and was told to just ignore it.

Now DS is saying he wants to come back out and be homeschooled again. He’s upset most mornings, crying, saying “why do I have to go somewhere where people laugh at me.” And I don’t blame him. My gut says pull him out now, but DH keeps saying he needs to learn resilience and that we should at least make him stick it out til half term before making a decision. His argument is that otherwise every time DS hits a bump he’ll just walk away and never manage in the “real world.”

But the thing is, he does have an EHCP. The school is supposed to be following it and they just… aren’t. How long do we give them to get their act together while DS is miserable? I feel torn because I don’t want him to think he can quit everything the second it gets difficult, but equally I feel cruel forcing him into a situation where he’s unsupported and unhappy.

So, AIBU to say he has to stick it out until half term, or should I just pull him now and stop putting him through this?

I think asking him to stick it out isn't a bad idea for a couple of reasons .

1. It gives the school a chance to get their act togetthe
2. it might relax your son enough to know he has a 'out' in a few weeks if things don't improve
3. I think that your dh has a point about trying to teach him a little resilience even when things get hard .

I feel for you all though. It's really hard seeing him upset .

I’d be having a meeting with the school. Or meetings. And informing the governors. He’s being treated appallingly. I’d want to see progress before pulling him out.

So what have you done about the school not sticking to the EHCP and your vulnerable child being bullied?

Every single time they breach the EHCP, you email the head, the SENCO, the relevant teacher and your caseworker. Unfortunately you have to make yourself a total nuisance to ensure it happens. As a first step, ask for a meeting with the SENCO and go through all these examples with them.

I think you need to speak to the senco and ensure teachers are aware of his requirements. Yes ideally he needs to give it a bitvof time. If nothing improves could you look into an alternative school?

Some kids just can't make school work but your son did want to try school so I think you should capitalise on that if you can.

I think you need any meeting with the school about why the ehcp is being totally ignored and your child being bullied. But bugger resilience! I would be asking your husband how he would like to going to work with people insulting him, banning him from relevant meetings and throwing his stuff away. Why should anyone have to get used to that? Your son already has to overcome so much to be someone else's average performance, that shows resilience to me.

Can you try another school with a better SEN provision?