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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So many people minding their own business - they failed us.

20 replies

TrimayrAcademy · 21/09/2025 15:47

I see on here all the time when people have concerns about children or a family, posters pile in saying mind your own business.

It makes me so angry, so many people failed us as children and justified it by minding their own business.

Our mum had four little girls when she met my stepdad, a man who had previously been accused of abusing his step daughter. Of course everyone believed she was lying and they all minded their own business when he moved in with us. No one thought he could have choosen her to access us.

When she died social services left us with him, by this time we had a brother too, we were 2 - 15. The man was an alcoholic, we were neglected, abused, had no food. Everyone minded their own business.

Social services brought out a doll and we had to point to the areas that it was ok for people to touch us. Job done - we were safe!

Once a neighbour WALKED IN on him touching me inappropriately, they all discussed it amongst themselves on our little street (I know this because they told my little sister when she was a teenager what they had seen) I was at most 14 years old. They all decided to mind their own business.

So many people let us down, so many people could have helped us but no one did. They all minded their own business.

Please if you are concerned about a child, speak out. Speak to school, speak to social services anonymously, call the police. Please don’t mind your own business.

Sorry just having an angry day, it was all a long time ago but it makes me mad that no one helped us.

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 21/09/2025 15:51

Thankyou for sharing your story, you have had a very tough life, I hope you can build on all of that trauma and learn to bounce back 💜❤ yes I WILL always stick up for children if I see something wrong xx

Whenthetimeisright · 21/09/2025 16:16

It is an absolute sin what happened to you and your siblings OP.

I'm so sorry.

And you are totally right. People minding their own business and not wanting to get involved is a crime.

Unfortunately there have also been too many instances where people have reported concerns and they haven't been listened to.

My heart goes out to you and all the other victims of childhood abuse and neglect.

VoltaireMittyDream · 21/09/2025 16:19

I am so sorry, OP. How awful that so many people knew and did nothing. You were horribly let down. Thank you for posting this and hopefully giving people the perspective and courage to act when they see something is wrong.

OverlyFragrant · 21/09/2025 16:20

Very much similar experiences, even family members turning a blind eye, completely unforgivable.

Original poster
TrimayrAcademy · 21/09/2025 16:27

If my post encourages even one person to report something they are worried about then it was worth posting.

When my DS was one year old he had a terrible night, lots of crying all night, we had just got back from holiday and he was out of sorts. One of my neighbours called the police and they came round to do a welfare check. My DS was fast asleep in bed having been awake half the night. The police insisted on seeing him and checking he was ok.

I was never upset about being reported. I was glad someone was looking out for me son. I would rather be investigated a million times when there is nothing wrong than a child slip through the net.

OP posts:
WildLeader · 21/09/2025 16:30

I’m so very sorry @TrimayrAcademy Huge hugs to you love

Jimkarna · 21/09/2025 16:35

I'm so sorry OP, for wiw, I'll give my perspective, it's really really hard to imagine anyone being this evil when you've been brought up in a loving safe environment, and all the people around you are safe people, I would find it difficult to think that was happening, although obviously it does, as you are testament to. Were school no help to you? Or was it you didn't trust them either, totally understandable if you didn't.

Dopeydoraz · 21/09/2025 16:42

I totally agree with you. There is a heartless individualistic attitude on Mumsnet that gives me the chills. It makes me worry for the future- there will be no sense of community or kinship

Original poster
TrimayrAcademy · 21/09/2025 16:48

Jimkarna · 21/09/2025 16:35

I'm so sorry OP, for wiw, I'll give my perspective, it's really really hard to imagine anyone being this evil when you've been brought up in a loving safe environment, and all the people around you are safe people, I would find it difficult to think that was happening, although obviously it does, as you are testament to. Were school no help to you? Or was it you didn't trust them either, totally understandable if you didn't.

By my last year of school I had 30% attendance, this was in the 00s.

We couldn’t speak out because we were told over and over that social services would take us away, split us up and put us in homes. We were told this was a bad thing.

I eventually left at 15 and sofa surfed pretty much until a boyfriend’s aunt took me in. Then by 17 I was living in a homeless hostel.

Life has turned out ok for me and most of my siblings, we are doing ok but my little sister has lived her life on drugs and lost her own children. We had no chance though really!

OP posts:
Jimkarna · 21/09/2025 17:06

Sorry again for the failings, you seem like a strong person, I don't blame you for being angry that no one helped you.

Thewitchsong · 21/09/2025 17:07

I knew of a child been abused mentally and physically (hitting the child with a hairbrush,pushing her down the stairs,bad mouthing the other parent,using the child to score points against the other parent and much,much more)

I rang the nspcc,social services and the police many times over this

I contacted the school this child went to

I did it with my full name,address and phone number-i was fully transparent

Nothing happened-they went out to see the child (who was too scared to speak out with her mother sat next to her) and took the mothers word for it that I was bullshitting

At one point ss RANG the mother and asked if she was abusing the child,to which she said 'no' and that was it,case closed

They where worse than useless and the mother seemed to have some sort of force field around her

I will never know the reason as to why they where so bloody useless but they failed this child badly

I know a few people rang them (apart from me) and the same story,they'd ring the mother,she'd deny it and they'd hang up thinking that everything was ok

I've spent years worrying that this child will end up dead (thankfully she's not) but it would have been ok as 'lessons will have been learned'

I fucking hate that saying-they are not learned,it's just a shitty soundbite until the next child

AgentPidge · 21/09/2025 17:08

I'm so sorry you had a childhood like that, OP. It's no surprise that you're angry and feel let down. I'll remember what you've said. Best wishes to you.

Original poster
TrimayrAcademy · 21/09/2025 17:17

Thewitchsong · 21/09/2025 17:07

I knew of a child been abused mentally and physically (hitting the child with a hairbrush,pushing her down the stairs,bad mouthing the other parent,using the child to score points against the other parent and much,much more)

I rang the nspcc,social services and the police many times over this

I contacted the school this child went to

I did it with my full name,address and phone number-i was fully transparent

Nothing happened-they went out to see the child (who was too scared to speak out with her mother sat next to her) and took the mothers word for it that I was bullshitting

At one point ss RANG the mother and asked if she was abusing the child,to which she said 'no' and that was it,case closed

They where worse than useless and the mother seemed to have some sort of force field around her

I will never know the reason as to why they where so bloody useless but they failed this child badly

I know a few people rang them (apart from me) and the same story,they'd ring the mother,she'd deny it and they'd hang up thinking that everything was ok

I've spent years worrying that this child will end up dead (thankfully she's not) but it would have been ok as 'lessons will have been learned'

I fucking hate that saying-they are not learned,it's just a shitty soundbite until the next child

Thank you for at least trying to help that child. I agree social services can be absolutely useless.

There was a meeting about my young brother, he was in high school still living with his dad, school were there, social services and my eldest sister, I insisted on going.

The gist of the meeting was that step dad was trying his best and that brother was fine there.

It took me as a pregnant 18 year old to put my foot down and say actually no things are not ok. My DB eventually came to live with me and he had a better start than he would have but all those professional adults prepared to do nothing at all.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 21/09/2025 17:25

I'm so sorry you were failed by so many as a child. What you went through is horrendous. I haven't seen anyone on here say mind your own business when it comes to the welfare of a child though. Quite the opposite, I've seen many many people encourage the poster to report to social services/police. I would like to think that most people wouldn't turn away if they had concerns about a child.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 21/09/2025 17:28

I'm so sorry you lived through all that OP 💐.

All the recent stories of children being abused and killed in their own homes have been utterly dreadful to read but the one that sticks with me is Alfie Steel because for once the neighbours did complain, even when threatened with violence by the mothers brute of a boyfriend they still complained but nothing happened. That poor boy was murdered and failed by the authorities.

Swiftie1878 · 21/09/2025 17:53

I haven’t (I don’t think) ever seen anyone saying mind your own business when posters have expressed concern about a child’s wellbeing. It’s normally said about adult situations. And I remember one recent post from a nanny who was looking after an emotionally neglected child but refusing to make a safeguarding report due to her ‘loyalty’ to the family (read, fear of losing her job). MNers were outraged, and telling her she MUST intervene.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I hope you are now doing OK despite a terrible start in life. <<hugs>>

DelilahBucket · 21/09/2025 17:58

I have recently spoken out about two children I'm very concerned about. I don't know who they are or where they live, but I know what school they go to. I contacted school safeguarding. They advised to contact the NSPCC, so I did, and they have said "sorry, we can't do anything as you don't know their address". I can't believe it. I have provided the precise area where they reside (which is not near their school), the school they attend and a very detailed description of parent and children, which I'm sure can identify the children at the school (I can't believe they are not already on the radar), and nothing is being done. Meanwhile parent is hitting one of the children in public, so I dread to think what it is like behind closed doors.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 21/09/2025 18:11

You are spot on OP. Children are suffering and dying regularly because adults dont speak up. Sara Sharif was a just one horrific example.

Laiste · 21/09/2025 18:41

I have - ive seen 'mind your own business' posts here.

I've seen blatant ones ''You don't know what's going on with the poor mother [who is swearing and shouting at her kids] maybe you'd be better keeping your nose out and not making her life any worse by calling SS''

and then there's the posts undermining outside interest in children's welfare:

'Of course health visitor has no right to be calling and making checks who do they think they are?''

''The School has no right to send anyone round to check your kid is really ill, tell them to fuck off ect ect''

If youve ever posted anything like this have a think about why authorities might intervene. It's not to be a pain in the arse. It's not for fun. It's to TRY to spot cases where children need help. CHILDREN. Fuck the adults being all indignant. Tough shit if it's inconvenient or embarrassing for the adults if the neighbours see ss turn up at the door. Be glad they're doing their job.

💐 for you OP so are 100% right. I'm angry alongside you.

GimmieABreakOr3 · 21/09/2025 18:43

Safeguarding children is everyone’s responsibility.

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