I’ve forgotten how to talk to my DP

[BreakfastQueen]

We are due to go on holiday soon with in laws. We are hoping that whilst we are away, PIL will look after our 2 DC (8 & 2) one evening so we might have a meal and a drink together. It was only last night, in passing, when DP said it would be nice to sit and talk as we don’t do that anymore, that I suddenly thought about the significance of this and now I’m terrified I won’t have anything to say! I don’t think we’ve been out together in over 3 years, probably a lot longer.

We’ve been together over 10 years, we’ve worked together, but now work apart, but he knows every detail of my work life. He knows what music I like, and to be honest that’s not my topic of conversation. I don’t watch TV unless it’s CBeebies, I fall asleep during films. He doesn’t like to partake in gossip (fair enough) unless it’s something he deems to be important enough to speculate about. He once cut me off with “are you still talking?” which he did recognise was rude and apologise for, but it still bugs me. The stuff I do tell him gets forgotten, and the conversations we do have late at night tend to be repetitive (him) and I just listen to it.

i don’t know what we’re going to talk about for an evening, and now I feel the pressure is on!

I know lots of people have great relationships and won’t recognise this, but I’m hoping someone else does! I’m almost in tears worrying about this.

This is something that can happen in marriages, it’s a phase that requires work to rediscover the friendship, but that’s normal and you’ll find after a bit of trial and error that there’s plenty to talk about. I couldn’t even tell you what I talk to my husband about! It’s usually so random and in the moment, so you could try building it up ahead of the holiday and make more time for that

I have a couple of card games from amazon with conversation starters on them, I use them with the children sometimes but could be easily used for couples.
https://amzn.eu/d/2X3Qff6

It sounds like he likes to talk and for you to listen. This is compounded by what you’re describing as your world is very dominated by the children and perhaps don’t have a lot of time for being yourself and the things you want to do?

I see two possible approaches

One: sit and listen to him monologuing and nod at various intervals, which “keeps the peace” but doesn’t really deal with the situation

Two: use the opportunity to say something about the situation, like “this is a rare event, I am out of practice with making conversation as I feel like I spend my time being mum rather than BreakfastQueen”. See how he reacts, perhaps it’s a chance to reset the balance and make an agreement between you to spend more time together and also as individuals rather than “your role in the family setup” e.g. mum/dad etc

Look at this as a useful thing Op, you've now got an opportunity to get to know each other again away from work and children chat. You must have had something in common to end up married, wouldn't it be a good thing to rediscover them

Wow, you've made me aware of a subconscious thing that I realise l have too! I feel so irritable, so hemmed in, claustrophobic but that definitely shifts after half an hour or so when I come to realise that I actually do want to be with him. I guess it's living on my own and quite enjoy it but do enjoy togetherness once I've had time to adjust. Thanks for posting this! 😊

Another vote for some of the card games. The ones which include ‘adult’ themed can be quite fun. Not the just about sex, but wider questions to help your reestablish your connection and then think about other things.

Hope it goes well

As you will be on holiday at the time, why not talk about what you've been doing during the holiday? Make sure that you go somewhere interesting in the run up to the meal.

This thread is from last September