How to start liking myself?

[Confusemumqq]

I’ve been married for 15 years. Have two lovely kids in primary school but I’m fed up of my life and if I’m being honest I’ve given up. I have put on 4.5 stones since my wedding day. I don’t care how I look or dress. I have a job where I work 4 times a week. I don’t really have friends (work colleagues and school mums do invite me places but I say no). I have a DH who is no support or comfort, he doesn’t really like me! Problems started when we got married and his mum was a bitch who criticised everything about me and his sisters rather than supporting me in my new marriage and dealing with their mum (both sisters always moaned how difficult and nasty she is) they always ganged up on me. Fast forward 15 years I don’t talk to his family and this causes conflict as DH is immature and his thinking is very black and white - “you don’t like my family so I won’t speak to your family”. He doesn’t see that I was open and looking forward to having a mother figure in my life along with having two sisters in my sils but they froze me out! Whereas my family have never said a bad word to him and been so welcoming.

how can I change my life and start liking myself again do I have the courage to get on with my life?

Sounds as if couples counselling would be a start, to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Otherwise, divorce sounds like a good option.

@MaybeIf tried couple counselling didn’t work.

there’s no way I want to divorce. I have 2 friends going through this and it’s hell. One was crying to me just a few weeks ago about it and it’s cemented my decision. My kids are only young and I will not go through having them every few days and the thought of not having them every Xmas is definitely a no.

I wish people would stop advising women with young kids to divorce. My friend told me if she knew she wouldn’t see her kids she wouldn’t do it. Courts no longer just take the women’s side it’s all spilt 50:50. There’s so much more she told me which is concerning but I can’t write it here as will be identifiable if anyone from mum group reads this

Also another thing I’ve noticed is that neither the kids or the mothers are happier after divorce! It’s a complete lie that divorce is good for kids. The mums in particular (no idea how the dads are feeling as I’m not asking them obviously) are constantly stressed and worrying if the kids are being properly taken care of on the dads days.

You say you don't really have friends but then you say "I have two friends" who are apparently close enough that they're giving you details about their divorce...

Going to be a bit blunt here - for this to change, you have to start doing stuff differently. Why do you say no when people invite you places? What happens if you say yes? What do you do on your day off? What happens if you try something new on that day?

I wonder if looking for you MIL to be a mother figure is anything to do with this. Did you not have anyone doing that in your own life?

To like yourself you have to treat yourself well. Staying with a man who doesn’t like you isn’t “liking yourself” it’s believing you don’t deserve better.

You need to invest in yourself. Do the things you like doing. Make new friends, find supportive people among them! What things do you like to do? What hobbies do you have? What contact do you have with people you like? Why do you not go out with school parents?

Hi OP, for want of a better term, I ‘fell in love’ with myself when I started looking after myself. Now admittedly I did this work before I met my husband, and he is a support rather than a detractor. But some of the things I did:

• started working out. So much so that it became my hobby. be that gym sessions, gym classes or running. At least 4x a week (less so now I have children).
• Gave up drinking. It’s a depressant and it never helped my self doubt.
• I found wanting to eat good clean food followed somewhat naturally after the above changes.

While the above three things naturally helped with weight loss, I didn’t become a beautifully skinny model. But I became genuinely healthy and that made me so much more confident and happy.

I also make an effort to get dressed smartly, and do my hair and make up every day. Not for my husband or anyone else but because I know it makes me feel better about my self.

As a PP has said, I just really spent a lot of time investing in myself and it was really worth it.

@GoldMerchant they are mum friends! So I know them via our kids. Our kids play together so when I meant I don’t have friends I mean someone I can open up to and share things. They share everything with me but I have my walls up as you have to be careful as I can’t gossip about my DH and Inlaws with them! It will be awkward as it’s a small community

@Smoothwater yes I think you are right. I feel on guard with the school mums tbh and don’t consider them friends as I’ve heard them gossiping about each other so I will listen and be supportive but never give anything away about my personal life

@ToDamp0rNotToDamp thank you really lovely advice.

But people are opening up to you? And inviting you places? These are all signals of wanting deeper friendships. If you "put walls up" people will realise and back off accordingly.

You really give the impression of someone who wants things to change but when people suggest ways you can change, you shut them down. If you're not actually willing to try anything new, you are being unreasonable.

I think yes I do want deeper friendships as even in work I have pleasant conversations but once they mention a get together I pull away as I feel exhausted and the thought of dressing up fills me with anxiety! I think once I feel confident in my skin I will go out places more but right now I just feel unable to get out

Well, then presumably you accept that a major cause of your unhappiness will remain in your life. I agree with @GoldMerchant. If you want things to change, you have to start doing things differently.

@MaybeIf i think I want to start feeling better in myself before things will change. The weight has only crept up in last 6/7 years before then I was relatively happy - I would meet up with work colleagues, with my sisters, old uni friends etc. but since I got fat I don’t want to be seen if that makes sense? I just want to hide away but I know that’s making me worse but every time I’ve plucked up the courage to go I have come home feeling worse as they post pics and I look awful with my big tummy looking like I’m 9ninths pregnant. One person even asked when I was due! We all laughed about it and I spent the evening making the lady feel better as she was mortified. I kept telling her it was fine - this was at a school function and it was embarrassing as others could hear her saying “I’m so sorry” and me telling her it’s fine. I just couldn’t face another one after this.

i posted under a different username about a Christmas fair in school I volunteered for and specially told the organise I don’t want my pics on social media etc, and she put the most awful picture of me in the school newsletter! Lots of you told me at the time it was done on purpose so I always have this fear going to events as as I will end up on social media!

There's no point waiting for this 'feeling comfortable in my own skin'. It's a mirage, and you're using it as an excuse.

Buy some clothes that fit you as you are, and work on your weight gradually.

There's a lot you need to work on in your life and outlook, and none of it's to do with your weight.

I agree with this. I started feeling better about myself when I started being much kinder to myself. It’s not all happened at once, in stages, I see a therapist myself and I’m eating better has also made layer a big part.
i also was avoiding going out because I hated the way I looked etc but even though I still
have a lot of weight to lose - I feel so much happier within myself and will go places now! I thought before I would only be happy to dress up etc but once I lost all the weight but it has happened sooner. I enjoy prepping my much for work - DH always comments on how pretty it looks and I say yes I am so good to myself now - u treat myself like a queen lol.
so just start with whatever you feel easier to start with, do it in your own order. I think I started therapy first, then eating better, then exercising. Oh and btw - I am not doing a diet where I feel hungry or too restricted. I am going for long term sustainable lifestyle change. So it’s not a quick weight loss, but the mental health side of it has improved so much already.
good luck op x

I think this is problematic for a lot of people - peoples obsession with photographic evidence of everything they do posted to social media, especially if you feel insecure.

Have you told them not to take photos of you?

I have 2 friends going through this and it’s hell. One was crying to me just a few weeks ago about it and it’s cemented my decision.

I thought you didn't really have friends? But these women are close enough to tell you about their divorces? You also say that school muns invite you out but you say no no, you work, so have opportunity to make friends. You could have friends if you wanted them, you're obviously not unlikeable - this sounds like depression.

IMO This all comes down to your husband. You tried counselling but it doesn't work (let me guesswork that's down to), he allowed his family to treat you like shit and then punishes you for it - no wonder you're depressed and don't like yourself! This man is erroding your self worth - ditch him.

I know that sounds very flippant, but do you really think what your friends have described to you is worse than feeling the way you do? Theirs is short term pain and their situation will improve in time - yours will just get worse and worse.

If you're adamant that you don't want to or aren't ready to end the marriage, then get some counselling for yourself and begin detaching. Do things for yourself, join a gym, get a haircut, buy some new clothes that make you feel and look great because putting on weight doesn't mean you need to punish yourself with neglect and looking bad. You are worthy of the effort and self investment.

Create some positive affirmations about your self, say them every day ideally in the mirror and visualise believing them
practice gratitude, every day think of 3 things you are grateful for it can be your kids, a nice coffee, a message that. made you smile.
be kind to your self, every day do something nice for yourself, a bath or a walk or five min looking at your phone or something bigger.
Sit for a few minutes every day and let any negative thoughts wash away, don’t react to them and accept any feeling they give, love yourself like you would a child who is unhappy.
when something nice happens on the day, a child hugs you or a tv show makes you laugh hold onto that though and enjoy it.
Take care of your self try to eat well, sleep, exercise and clean. You will feel better for it.

So it was 9,10 months since that picture was put on, the one that showed you in a bad light, what have you done since?
Have you lost weight?
Improved your hair?
Worn makeup?
Done anything to improve your self esteem?

With due respect, only you can do those things.

You need to stop saying no when people invite you out to things so you can get out more. Why don’t you start going to the gym and eating well so you can feel better about yourself? I think even if you started making healthier choices you would feel better quickly and that would make you more confident. Can you afford to buy some new clothes/makeup? Find things you enjoy doing by yourself, that could be the gym or it could be something like knitting. Do something nice for yourself everyday, try and form connections with the people
who are inviting you out because I do truly think our female friends are the loves of our lives x

You have to do things for yourself. Get your eyebrows and nails done, eat better, exercise, treat yourself to those new clothes. You’ll feel brand new once you start making changes.

See the thing is, if we want change in our lives, navel gazing isn't going to help. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut of misery and just don't know where to start.

If you're determined to stay in your marriage then you'll have to start with your outlook. If your weight is the main issue then make a plan, get some targeted help with that. Whether from your GP to start with or get a personal trainer and start there.

Nobody can make these changes for you. If you find excuses for not starting then nobody can help you.

There's always a way of doing something. It's just finding it.

I'm sorry to hear you don't like yourself. I was definitely in your position when I was younger and learning to love myself has been a long journey.

Loving someone, including yourself, is a choice you make everyday. Positive affirmations can really help, look yourself in the eyes in a mirror and say 'I love you'. You can even do a meditative practice where you repeat "I love me" over and over in your head or aloud. You need to fake it to make it here. Try to lessen your negative self talk.

It would be helpful to look at what contributes to your low self esteem. If your relationships are negative it will really bring you down, but if that's too big to deal with right now just focus on yourself.

Start moving, find an exercise you enjoy and will stick to. Walking is so beneficial. Use this moment to try out any type of exercise, I love yoga, you might like jiujitsu! Make it into an adventure to find your thing. There's loads of great home workout plans to. Try to make healthy choices with your food but don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Something that makes you look so much better is fixing your posture. There's a course by Karina More called Marathon 1 which focuses on posture and anti aging facial exercises. I've almost finished it for the 3rd time and it works so well. (I'm not affiliated, but it's worked for me).

Start saying yes to things! Tell yourself you have to say yes to invites unless you have a very good reason why you can't.

What did you enjoy when you were younger? Did you like drawing, writing, games, dance, music? You need to find something that brings you joy.

You deserve a beautiful, happy life and to be the best version of yourself. Good luck xx