To think the ultimate feminist act is ensuring that a man will provide for you and your children?

[ByUmberTurtle]

Life is hard and motherhood is even harder. There’s no shame in struggling to balance work, kids, housework and everything else. Sometimes you have to step back from work, whether it’s due to childcare, burnout or health. In those moments, knowing that your man has your back financially isn’t just practical, it’s powerful.

I’m not a trad wife and I grew up with very ‘independent woman’ kind of parents. But honestly? I think the real regressive choice is staying with a man who can’t or won’t take care of you when it matters. I’d rather be a single mum than build a life with a man who leaves me vulnerable. Feminism should include the right to choose a relationship that brings security, not just survival.

AIBU?

Oh for fuck's sake.

Just the title told me this was going to be another one of those stupid three word user name posts.

But....feminism is about having the choice to do so.

And being able to, you know, make decisions for ourselves around our finances and have our own money etc.

😭😭 I agree

Theyre gonna come for you girl

I don’t get what you’re trying to say.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

... No?

Living by manipulating other people is depressing

Feminism means you have the choice not to be reliant on a man to provide for you on your children… but also have the choice to go down that route, if you like.

Otherwise your point is just about being in a supportive relationship, rather than anything to do with feminism.

For me feminism means being able to be independent and secure, including financially secure.

Relying on a man isn’t going to ensure you’re financially secure. He could lose his job or fortune or leave you.

It’s definitely good to have DH as a partner who takes half the financial burden but I know if he wasn’t around, I would be just fine financially. That’s feminism to me.

How do you ensure your husband provides for his wife and children? Not even the Government can manage that.

Feminism is a political movement that aims to protect and further the rights of women. If you ever want a quick way to differentiate between a woman making a personal choice to benefit herself, and an act of Feminism, then you need simply check if the act fits the definition.
If it doesn't, that's OK, because Feminism gives you the choice not to always act in a feminist way. It doesn't really give you the green light to do whatever you want and call it Feminism just because youre a woman though.

That’s not what I’m advocating at all. Wanting to build a relationship where financial security is part of the dynamic isn’t the same as manipulation, it’s called standards. Providing and protecting are traditional masculine roles for a reason and some of us still value that. It doesn’t mean we don’t give or love deeply but I won’t apologise for wanting stability in a partnership.

Oh, you’re back …

The ultimate feminist act is selecting a partner who is worthy of you in the first place. Or not at all if you prefer. Because you can.

Are you saying that women don’t provide and protect??

It’s not about guarantees, nothing in life is guaranteed. It’s about discernment. You don’t just marry any man. You choose someone who’s stable, generous and aligned with the kind of life you want to build. That doesn’t mean he has to be a billionaire but he should be dependable, proactive and not flinch at the idea of providing for the family he helped create. If the government can’t do it, all the more reason I want a man who can.

How do you ensure your husband won’t leave you?

By doing a Kathy Bates Misery on him?

I don't concern myself with feminism, what qualifies as feminism, whether or not someone is a 'good feminist', etc, but yes, a smart woman will do what she can to choose a good, reliable, and supportive partner. That's not being manipulative. I'd assume most men who are looking for a wife will be looking for someone they feel they can count on, as well. What's important is being on the same page about what you're each expecting.

I ask because it is literally your thread title.

Don’t be ridiculous. My standards mean I am responsible for myself and any dependents. I am perfectly capable of providing for all of us, thanks. I wouldn’t have had them if I wasn’t.

😂😂😂😂😂

Not at all, many women do and do it exceptionally. But I believe being able to provide doesn’t mean we have to carry that role by default in a relationship.

The point I’m making is about having the freedom to choose a dynamic where you’re supported - financially, emotionally, practically, especially during vulnerable moments like illness, motherhood or burnout. Being feminist doesn’t mean proving you can do it all, all the time, it should include choosing partnerships that genuinely support and sustain you.

I think feminism gives you the freedom to make that choice without having to justify yourself to anyone, and all power to anyone who does. However, I dont think that necessarily makes it a Feminist choice.

You clearly don’t know much about proper feminism, OP.

You're conflating something positive with something feminist. You are also confusing (or deliberately deciding to see) feminism with something negative.

The whole point of feminism is to ensure empowerment and equity for women. That doesn't mean "feminism" is ideologically opposed to you choosing to have a family unit with traditional gender roles. The whole point is to protect women as a group from being left with no choice but to do so.

Of course it's lovely and wonderful if you find yourself in a position with a good partner who can provide.

You are literally living in a world with hard fought rights, won by women, taken by women from an unwilling society, and those rights are the ones letting you moan and roll your eyes about feeling judged for choosing to be a stay at home wife and mother.

Whenever you have these thoughts about disparaging the entire concept of feminism because you'd rather choose to do something of your own volition that's seen as stereotypically not progressive, please choose empathy and understanding that without feminism, women the world over can be (and are) trapped in situations where they are absolutely at the mercy of men. Be grateful that you are now in a position to build a career yourself, enjoy freedom, choose and find a good partner you have agency over getting with and staying with, and the option to leave if things did go bad. Remember that that is what feminism advocates for.