Ex issues

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Hi,
my ex and I recently split after 15 years and 1 child. It wasn’t working and we split amicably.
He has met someone new -which is fine I want him to be happy. His new gf has children too.
He wants to take our child on holiday with the new woman and her kids. I said no purely on the basis of my son has never meeting this woman before or her kids and it’s a new relationship (5 weeks) I don’t want him getting attached if it doesn’t work out.
He said I was being unfair.
Am I being unreasonable??

When would the holiday be? Months away or in a few weeks? Has he no intention of them all meeting beforehand? It does seem very early on to be planning family style holidays.

For me it depends when the holiday is.

Next week- you’re not being unreasonable.

Next summer- you are being unreasonable.

How old is the child? By the time ds turned 9 he knew none of dads "love of his lives" weren't staying around

As a rule of thumb children shouldn’t meet a parent’s new partner for about 6 months. Meeting new partner’s children probably 9 months. Same for spending occasional overnights in the same house.

Depending on the ages of the children and length of holiday probably a year.

He should be focusing on getting your son into their ‘new normal’ of not living with both parents, not trying to build new relationships, blending ‘families’ and going on jolly holidays together.

But then, I’m a jaundiced old bat who has seen to much crap going through the Court system and this all may be a Disney Dream relationship (or not).

He’s looking at going in October

Our DS is 12. He’s looking at going away in October

He says our DS will be fine. He’s looking at going in October

He’s looking at October

He’s looking at going in October

You know he can take DS on holiday with whomever he wants if he has shared custody?
You are lucky he asked you. My ex moved his now wife in after about 6 .months. I had no right to say no even if I thought it was a bad idea.

I'd focus less on saying no and more on saying "yes but" so is there a compromise? Yes to holiday but not this October? Yes to holiday but not as long? Yes to holiday but DS has to have an introduction prior ?

Try to find a way to make a compromise. The risk is he now just ignores you

Would he really get attached to her after spending a week with her , my son is 12 too and I can’t imagine him getting that attached . What does your son think ?

He says your son will be fine…… Sigh, of course he says that because it's what he wants.

Does he understand what upheavals HIS/your joint son has been going through? He thinks it’s OK to introduce a new partner and her children to him, take him away on holiday, etc. etc. within a couple of months (he says) of him meeting this new partner?

Yes, he CAN take your son away but SHOULD he ?

How worldly wise is your son ? Have you discussed this with him ? Has he met the new partner and her children ? Is he comfortable with the idea ?

My son is 12
. He’s not met the new gf or her children. I have spoken to my son about it but as he’s Autistic and has ADHD he gets freaked out and cries.

Well that sounds like it makes it a terrible idea then! DD is autistic and would really struggle going on holiday with people she didn't know well. Bet your ex wouldn't do much to make sure your DS's specific needs were accommodated either.

Even for a non-ND child, it's way too soon to get involved with a new woman, let alone her kids. Unfortunately, you can't really stop him.

Oh heavens OP. What a situation.

It's a very heavy-handed response but apart from making father see sense the only way to stop this would be by going to Court.

So reposition it with ex. Say, : look I know you want to do this holiday but DS is not good with change as you know. There's a strong chance he will be miserable and kick off. I can't stop you from going but if not properly managed this will make things harder for you with this new relationship and put a lot of stress on your holiday. I'm just trying to help here for DS sake."

If everything is amicable and you want to successfully co-parent, instead of just saying ‘No’ you need to talk to him about your concerns.

You can easily look up the guidance given on timing for children to meet new partners (let alone holiday with them!) and their children. Also mention your child’s reaction to even talking about it, and how their autism makes things less straight forward.
Suggest that taking things a little slower will be more appropriate, but that you have no issues with holidays in the future- it’s just the timing you feel is wrong.

Good luck! x

What does your son want ?At 12 I would expect your son to very able to say wether he wants to go away or not ,?
Ah have just read he has autism and ADHD
Maybe not than.

He should be months away from even introducing his new girlfriend to his child. Totally inappropriate to be planning a holiday together at this stage. He’s putting his wants above his child’s wellbeing. Unfortunately I don’t think you can stop him. Your child will eventually learn which parent cares for them and which keeps forcing them into awkward situations with strangers.

He shouldn’t be even introducing this woman for at least a YEAR to his child!!!

Your poor DS. From your post it sounds like the split is relatively recent. Your DS is probably still reeling from that. He should be having quality one on one time with his Dad to reassure him that his dad still loves him and puts him first, not having to watch his dad play happy families with some new kids he met five minutes ago. I don’t think your DS is going to get super attached to these complete strangers in a one week holiday, but I’d also say no in the basis of the harm it could do your DS’s self-esteem. Your ex sounds like a jerk, frankly, if he can’t see that if he had custody over half term he should be using that to spend time just with your DS. If he can afford a holiday, it is DS he should be taking away.

Your child is 12, do they want to go or not?

There is NO WAY you should be introducing any new partner to a child until the relationship has at least lasted 6 months, let alone taking them away on holiday. He hardly knows this woman!

So YANBU and your ex is being ridiculous. It takes at least 6 months to get to know someone well enough, often up to a year.