To feel hurt by friends behaviour?

[Irisrises]

I have what I thought was a good friend. We met through work and have spent lots of time together socialising as adults including a shopping trip to London. And lots of time with our dd's who also go to dance class together. We live rurally and have helped each other with lifts to groups and activities etc for years.

For some time my friend hasn't wanted to meet up as much and seems more distant. She will cancel plans with me and seems to avoid contact at times.

Over the last 6 months she has made a huge effort with another child. This particular other child was very close to mine for years. The child now goes around for tea most Mondays after school, and my friend offers childcare regularly, and makes lots of effort to please the other parent. She organised them a trip to a pony activity day in the summer as she knew the child would like that. My dd is not invited to any of this.

My child is now the outsider in the friendship. The girls dont include her in their chat and games as much. In a sense it has "worked'

I am hurt by the lack of contact as I thought we were close friends in our own right. If no one else is available they will ask to meet us but will not make plans in advance.

I feel sad for my dd who is now pushed out.
Its all so bizarre I dont get it. It all seems so purposeful and hurtful

Why do this? I really cared for this friend but find her so dismissive now

Has your DD said something or had a fall out with her DD? If she’s made a huge effort with another child for 6 month, leaving her DD distancing herself from the friendship, my guess would be it’s something to do with the DC, or maybe yours has repeated something she’s heard you say that friend has taken offence to?

Have kids fallen out? Hard to know op. I would take a step back. Its not nice though not knowing why.

I dont think dd has said something, as before she was pushed out there wasnt an issue

They just want their child to have this new close friend and we were in 'the way' and got discarded.

In terms of my friendship I have felt like a plan b/ plan c friend for some time

Might it just be that her DD wants to spend more time with the other child? Children's friendships naturally wax and wane over the years, it's best to encourage your DD to have a wide circle of friends and not invest too much in one intense friendship. I'd let it go and not read more into it than the other two little girls and their mums just get along and enjoy each other's company. Invite some of DDs other friends and classmates over for play and tea and encourage new friendships.

Your friend and her dd may have simply made new friends and you are struggling to adjust to sharing or the dynamic changing.

OR

Your friend is fickle and you never understood that until now. You and dd no longer suit the need so you have been discarded.

In either case, I think you should encourage your child to pursue other friendships and avenues of interest.

Has something happened in the children’s friendship?
I’d encourage your dd with other friendships and stop bothering with your ‘friend’

So do your DDs go to school together or not - or is it just dance class?

Did they just socialise because their DMs were friends first?

Does your DD have other friends?

I think you are possibly conflating a lot here - work, adult friendships and the girls friendships - seems like a lot at stake here?

I never wrap up my friendships with my DCs. I let my DCs make their own mates and don’t interfere.

I have one friend who is always trying for me to get my DD to socialise with hers - I think it’s odd - I couldn’t imagine my own mother micromanaging a friendship with one of her friends daughters and me when I was younger - it would be cringe.

It’s the modern way. Everything is centred around the latest “best” child that will “enrich” their child. I find it all very odd.

You’ve made the mistake of entangling your fruendships and your daughter’s. When it works it’s great, obviously, but with twice the moving parts, you’ve got twice the chance of two people falling out/getting tired of one another, and the fallout affecting all the relationships. I’d write this one off as situational, and encourage your DD to branch out socially.

The dd's are in the same class. It was great as could help each other out with lifts etc.

We met at work a few times but no longer work together.

The children were friends but had other closer friends. Ironically the parents fell out and all contact stopped with their children. Now both mum and child are determined to be close friends with my dd's friend. Yet my child is not included by parents and cancelled on for better offeres etc.

And at the same time the adult friend has distanced herself and not been great all round. A few unkind remarks and generally not there for me. I just miss the friend I had as we were very close.

“Twice the moving parts” - that’s a really good way of putting it.

It's hard to tell exactly what is going on but in most of these situations it's mainly driven by the children's friendships shifting. Your daughter's friend now has a closer friendship with a different girl. The mother might simply be facilitating that rather than engineering it.

Though I can think of at least one mother I know who engineers her kids friendships- she'll choose a new/approved best friend for her child and get all pally with the other mother to maximise the chance of the BFF idea becoming a reality.

It does sting when it's your child who ends up being cast adrift. Encourage her to make and nuture lots of different friendships and not dwell too much on fading ones.

I have known mothers who engineer their kids' friendships to suit their own agenda. I think it's actually quite common.

I probably wasn't clear but the mum is putting huge effort into their child having this new friendship. The parents arent friends or spend time together.

So my friend seems far less interested in spending time together
And
They are determined that the new friendship is a 'two' and my dd is left out

I need to step away but I had no idea our adult friendship meant so little to them

They're rude to cancel arrangements and you down

Beyond that, lots of possible reasons. The children's friendship drifted. Your friendship with the Mum drifted

Mel Robbins' "Let Them" theory might interest you

For whatever reason, she just isn't interested in continuing a friendship with you. Doesn't mean it's anything you have done, sometimes it just happens. Rather than spending your time trying to puzzle it out or get her to respond, step back and focus on other friendships for you and your DD.

Parents really don't get much say in who a child likes or doesn't like.