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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty for my daughter

20 replies

LilacSettingSun · 20/09/2025 17:20

It’s DD’s 4th birthday today. DH has no local family, and all I have is my parents and just 1 friend. We said weather permitting we would go to the zoo but it’s done nothing but rain all day.

she had plenty of presents and balloons, and my parents are coming tonight for a buffet.

I just feel awfully guilty that she’s not had a party or doesn’t have many people that bother with her. She has 4 cards, both parents, her brother and my friend 😢 I was friends with someone who has a girl the same age and every year they have a huge garden party (she has a massive house and garden) with a marquee, bouncy castle etc. I just wish I could give my daughter that.

OP posts:
Strawberriesandpears · 20/09/2025 17:25

I understand the sadness, but you can't help having a small family. Some people have loads of connections automatically built in for their children. Maybe she will make more friends when she starts school, or maybe look into an activity like Rainbows at some point in the future?

Happy birthday to her!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 20/09/2025 17:36

Why didn’t you have a party for her? Doesn’t she have friends at nursery/school? Does she get invited to parties? If she doesn’t go to nursery/school yet, you’ll see a big change when she starts school.

But remember, any party you throw for her doesn’t have to be ‘big’… just get some of her friends together and have a tea party and a few games. Is she bothered that she didn’t have a party? If she isn’t, you don’t need to feel sad. Although, to be honest, I did wonder why didn’t you have a back up plan for her birthday if it rained? Surely you could have taken her to an indoor activity?

ThatPlumSquid · 20/09/2025 17:46

If she is 4 and therefore hasn't started school yet that sounds ok to me - and I'm sure that small group of people all think the world of her. As soon as she starts school it's so much easier to plan their birthdays as she can have all her school friends (plus my 9 year old would really struggle to remember what she actually did for her 4th birthday if I asked her now!)

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/09/2025 17:47

Is she not in school or nursery yet?

nellly · 20/09/2025 17:50

Yes I think she won’t notice if she’s not at school/nursery!

mine wouldn’t let me get away with that as they were all at nursery and knew what parties
were lol you’ve got it all to come next year I wouldn’t worry

moppety · 20/09/2025 17:51

I wouldn’t worry as I’m sure she’s had a nice day but does she not have any friends from nursery? Do you not have any friends or acquaintances with similar aged kids that have grown up with her? From baby classes, antenatal classes, etc? It sounds like you both have a very small social circle but school might go some way to changing that!

Teachingagain · 20/09/2025 17:53

Does she not have any friends from nursery or groups which you could have invited to a party? I would be more worried about the lack of friends at 4 than a party.

Lucy5678 · 20/09/2025 17:55

My four year olds would’ve been totally overwhelmed by a massive party. They don’t remember anything at all about their fourth birthdays now they’re a few years older. They had a nice day at home with us, balloons, presents and cake and were perfectly happy with that. We did big parties once they were at school - I’d save your party energy and finances for when they’re older and want the whole class softplay party or a dozen friends at lazerquest type things! Until then she’s had a nice day, you have nothing to feel bad about.

asrl78 · 20/09/2025 17:56

To be fair to yourself, you had a plan to celebrate her birthday with a zoo visit, it is not your fault one of the UK's random rainy seasons arrived at the end of last month, and today we have the 24 hour rainathon in full swing across northern England. Can you not go to the zoo tomorrow, the weather is looking a lot better from mid-morning?

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 20/09/2025 17:56

I would've just got your raincoats out and gone to the zoo.

These places tend to be much quieter when it's raining, so not too crowded!

But I'm sure she'll enjoy the family buffet and presents.

Moonnstars · 20/09/2025 17:58

Surely you will just go to the zoo tomorrow or another day?
Assuming she isn't in nursery and isn't invited to lots of parties herself then she really isn't going to notice. As far as she is aware a birthday involves presents, cards and cake (which I expect you have for the buffet). Don't overthink it.

Damnd · 20/09/2025 17:59

Sounds like a nice birthday, mine didn't even have any family at that age but they weren't bothered. I think parties start to become more important around 6+

ThatPlumSquid · 20/09/2025 18:45

Teachingagain · 20/09/2025 17:53

Does she not have any friends from nursery or groups which you could have invited to a party? I would be more worried about the lack of friends at 4 than a party.

Why would you say something like that!?!?

Original poster
LilacSettingSun · 20/09/2025 18:51

She only started nursery last week and only goes 1 day a week, there was only 3 or 4 kids in the day she was in as it’s a really small village primary school.

OP posts:
problembottom · 20/09/2025 18:54

No guilt required! When DD was 4 her dad and I took her on the train to watch Stick Man at the theatre. She was thrilled! When she was 5 I invited her whole reception class to a party purely because I hadn’t got to know many parents, plus a few friends’ kids because I assumed I’d get quite a few declines from said parents. Everyone said yes and about 40 children came cause I’m an idiot. DD liked both birthdays equally!

LadyQuackBeth · 20/09/2025 21:39

Your DD will be feeling loved and happy. However, if it's bothering you, think of this feeling as a wake up call to really invest time and energy in socialising with her. Then a year from now you can really see the benefit of the effort. Start inviting people to do things, reaching out, going to any and every group going.

Charltonstrek · 20/09/2025 22:02

Can guarantee your dd will never be bothered about this and will have enjoyed her day what's important is a loving stable upbringing

ChaosDreamV2 · 20/09/2025 23:08

Your DD will have had a lovely day. She’s had gifts, balloons, and spent time with her family. When my DD was 4 I stressed about not being able to do a soft play party or hire a hall as money was tight. We had a day at home playing whatever games she liked (princesses and hairdressers!) and we had a buffet and birthday cake in the evening. She said it was the best birthday ever. I don’t have a large family and DH’s family weren’t around much either so I understand how you feel - I’d love for more folk to have made a fuss over her, even my own sisters don’t bother that much.
im voting you’re being unreasonable but only because you shouldn’t worry about having a “big” day. She’s spent time with the ones she loves and that’s what matters x

Maray1967 · 20/09/2025 23:13

Neither of ours had more than a family party with presents and cake until their 5th, when they were in reception.

Save your money!

Original poster
LilacSettingSun · 21/09/2025 14:03

Thank you everyone! She just said she had a brilliant day so I can’t ask for much better than that! x

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