FIL influence on my DP and our family

[Username974119272]

Just to begin, my FIL has always put himself and his social life before children. He spends Friday-Sunday at the pub, if he’s asked to do anything family related he finds it’s an inconvenience if it affects pub time and as far as I’m aware this has been a thing since before his children were born. We all live in a village and it’s walking distance from their home. My DP has mentioned previously about being bought up by his grandparents because his father was always in the pub, occasions where he needed his dad and he couldn’t come because he was in the pub. I by no means think this man is an alcoholic because I don’t think he is, I think he just prioritises his own social life before anyone else MIL included.

Anyway fast forward, me and my DP have 2 children, my FIL is constantly messaging DP asking him to go to the pub with him, to go watch the football (which if he did would leave me with the kids every weekend), nothing family (never anything with the kids) related just anything that involves getting pissed.

Whilst I understand that this is nice and bonding for them. I find it frustrating that he does not understand that we have a family and young children to look after which I don’t want to do solo. Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think it's unreasonable for DP to spend time alone with his father to watch the football - occasionally.

I think it's important both partners have equal leisure time.

FIL can ask as much as he likes, it's DP's job to say yes or no. Not worth getting wound up by, it's clear who is he and how he behaves and isn't going to change now.

Well your DP doesn't have to go, I'm hoping he doesn't but shame as this is what he's had modelled to him.

It does sound like FIL has a drink problem if literally no other plans can be made other than pub.

@Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself no I completely agree, I would NEVER want that to stop I find it really nice. And I do think my partner is being considerate enough to do a nice mix of both

I just find in FIL company there’s a lot said about DP not being “allowed out” which is not the case.

I think its not your problem
FIL doesn't want to spend time with you and the DC? His loss
He asks your DH to meet him? Up to DH
Of course if DH is spending all weekend in the pub and not parenting then you need to tackle that with him

He's obviously expecting your DP to be the same kind of father he is. Up to the DP to put a stop to that

Oh god I hate the whole “ allowed out “ thing, we have a friend who does this, and also refers to me as the Boss, the implication being that my husband can’t do anything without my permission. Fortunately I know
that this is definitely not the case. As does my husband. Gets a bit wearing though, every single time I say something along the lines of it’s up to my husband, he can decide whatever it is without me .

What a needy selfish old bastard

Sounds like FIL is a functioning alcoholic and has been for decades

You fil can ask or demand what he likes you are not married to him your husband can say no so your issue should be with him

He doesn't understand what it's like to have a family and young children to look after because he never did it. Sounds like the more time FIL spends in the pub the better for all concerned.

Then your DP needs to put him straight

I bloody hate that "allowed" rhetoric.

I have a middle aged neighbour man who sometimes talks to my DP - my DP mentioned to him that he meets his mates a couple of mornings a week in a coffee shop and the neighbour said, "Oh, are you ALLOWED to do that?!" - WTF he doesn't even know me. Sexist bullshit.

I agree with pp - every time FIL says DP isn't allowed out, say "DP is a grown man who makes his own decisions and is choosing to spend time with his family".

' it's not that he's not allowed out FIL, it's that he actually wants to spend some time with his wife and kids'

It’s on your DP to step up and parent.

If FIL makes comments in your company, tell him that DP chooses to spend time with his family, rather dumping his children to run off and get pissed.

Your FIL is his own person (sounds dreadful, but each to their own).
You should not be irritated by his life choices. They are not your business.

BUT you should be irritated by the fact that your DH is allowing his DF to continue with the perception that you are stopping him from doing as he wishes. He needs to set him straight and tell him to stop talking about you in those terms.

You need a blunt talk with your DP. His dad isn't going to change but he can

Ask him straight, does he want to do to you and his kids what his dad did to his mum and him? Dies he wants his kids to feel like he does at the moment you ask him that question?

If he does anything other than discuss this with you, no matter how emotionally distraught he becomes, then you have your answer and you can decide what you want to do with it

Why does the op need to speak for the husband he is not a child, in this case he is not making his own decision but what his wife is telling him to do

Edit: i misread your first line. Apologies. Though i will leave my respsone for the OPs benefit

So she can gauge for herself whether or not he is going to be an absent father or not

The discussion isn't, as far as I am concerned, furnished benefit, to change his behaviour etc. It is to give her enough information directly from him on which to base her own decisions

He understands perfectly that you have a young family to look after, and he thinks that's for women to do, solo. As he demonstrated very clearly in his own marriage. His attitudes aren't going to change.

Tell your DP that you're not going to have that sort of marriage, ask him how much time he WANTS one-on-one with his dad (some is perfectly reasonable, obviously), and discuss it from there.

It seems to me that you're both entitled to some time with your friends and family members while the other one looks after the kids. How you divide that time between different friends or relatives is up to you. But the time should be roughly equal. How would you feel about, say, every third Saturday being your dh's "off day" (to spend with DF or friends or whatever), and then the next one is yours? Talk to him about agreeing something like that.