To feel so upset and betrayed

[SVDW1136]

My husband was diagnosed with cancer at the end of July. We told some trusted friends (friends we’ve known since he was 16 and I was 18 and we’re almost 40 now) with strict wishes not to tell anyone else as we were in shock and so much to process. He had the affected organ removed in the second week of September. We have two young children who know daddy had a poorly organ and needed an operation to remove it. We didn’t mention cancer as our 8 year old understands what it is and there’s a slim chance my husband may not need further treatment. We wanted to hold off having that difficult conversation if it may not be needed. We won’t find out pathology for 6-8 weeks and until the tumour is finally graded and the suspected lymph nodes biopsied.

The issue - the friends we told, who have been great with childcare, emotional support and bringing food etc chose to tell their sister (and dad, so the family has discussed it and they are a close family who hang out all the time). The sister’s kid is best friends with our 8 year old - they hang out every day in school and sit on the same table. We are worried kids may overhear things and then pass things to ours when we are not ready to tell them.

I guess I am hurt and pissed off they told their sister when we specifically told them not to. They asked a couple of times if they wanted us to tell people (close mutual friends) and we repeatedly said no. They said they wouldn’t.

My husband was not ready to tell a lot of people - it’s been such a rollercoaster since finding out to trying to understand staging and grading and different opinions from surgeons and oncology. We’ve gone from it’s not curable, only treatable, to it may be curative to remove the organ, let’s have the surgery and see. We’ve been navigating summer holidays and managing our emotions without it affecting our children, who are our biggest concern. We desperately don’t want to cast a dark shadow over them and their childhood when 6 weeks since diagnosis, there’s a small chance this surgery may be curative. We will have the conversation with them and I think that’s what’s so upsetting, feeling forced to have that chat with our children before we wanted to. Terrified they’ll hear something from someone at school and we will then lose trust between us and create other issues.

Our deepest darkest moments feel like gossip they’ve shared. The friend and her sister’s mum also had cancer of the same organ so it’s a trauma that will bring up bad memories for our friend but we very clearly stated we didn’t want anyone else knowing. The friend could have talked to her partner about it, it wasn’t as she didn’t have anyone to talk to.

We feel upset and disrespected and almost now forced into telling and worrying our kids to protect them from hearing anything on the playground they weren’t prepared to hear.

I know they’re capable of keeping medical things private - they kept a close mutual friend’s fertility issues to themselves for years. I have no issue that this mutual friend didn’t want to share with me - I’m old enough to respect people’s wishes and understand that I’ll know if I’m supposed to. (I know now because this mutual friend has now told me btw and yay, she now has a beautiful baby). So I feel even more upset they’ve been so loosey goosey with us.

What do I do? Confront them?

Sorry this post is so long and rambling, I’ve been quite upset by it and slept on it, and still feel so angry. Why do we have this on top of everything else, feel like I can’t trust people we love and relied on.

Did Maggies advise you not to tell them truth?

There are huge amounts of evidence to say that being truthful with children is always better than half truths or hiding things. They have to trust that you'll tell them everything - if you hide things, they fill in the gaps themselves or they hear things that confuse them from other people. If they get the message that you're not willing to be open then they may hide their own fears. It is far far better to put the cards on the table. You're not shattering their world, you're giving them information that they have the right to know and then you're supporting them to deal with it. If you say it's cancer but everything is being done to help their dad and they can trust you to deal with it, they will believe you. If you tell them a half story and they find out the truth later on, all they'll think is 'I wonder what else they lied about?'

You are doing the best you can in a terrible difficult situation, I know from personal experience. Friends are lifeline. Try to take deep breath and not cut them out.

I would speak to them and show how upset I was at the thought of my child finding out in such a way. They've behaved really badly but if they've been good friends up until now I'd give them this chance to redeem themselves.

I really hope everything goes well for your husband. He sounds lovely.

It's not a betrayal, it's a misstep. In every other significant measure they have stepped up, been practically and emotionally supportive - they sound like wonderful friends.

It would be much easier for them not to say anything if they weren't such close supportive friends. But there they are, on the coalface, helping you both while being reminded of their own mum's death of the same cruel disease. Possibly, as other PP suggested, they are dropping other engagements or opportunities in order to help you.

It's very understandable to want to talk about it with the sister who went through that trauma alongside them.

You needed to share your burden and ask for help. So did they. What matters is that they are there for you.

I do get it - with cancer you feel completely out of control. I certainly did.
One of the few things where you can remain in the driving seat is the flow of information. If you try control that (for whatever reason) and it happens anyway it does feel disproportionately awful.

I wish your husband a full recovery. Best of luck for the road ahead.

But if you do this, be prepared for them not to help in future.

It might be helpful to think about this in terms of the ring theory of support:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)

The idea is lots of people can be affected be something like a serious illness - you have the person it's happening to at the centre and as the circles get further out, the people are less close to the main person.
The idea is you provide comfort and support inwards and offload and seek support from the people further out than you.
I think it's important to remember that of course what you're going through is much worse but they are still definitely going to be affected by a close friend being ill, providing practical support and the memories of their mum having this illness.
I also think it would be understandable if ruminating on their mistake feels a bit less painful than focusing on the whole awfulness of everything else.

Wishing you and your husband all the best
I suspect, given the families experience, that the sister and dad may have guessed. It's a very different thing to hold a secret than to outright deny something when people close to you guess the truth.
My DH has cancer, incurable, we didn't tell anyone for weeks but it's amazing how many people can accurately guess what's going on.
I would address it to be sure that the children don't get wind of it, but I wouldn't see it as a betrayal or as gossip if that's not their nature. More likely to be accidental or shrewd guessing.

I understand OP. Have been through similar with my DH this year. He was adamant he did not want to tell our grown up children or any family anything until he was ready and knew what he was dealing with. It was really hard being his only support and he did agree that I could tell 2 of my closest friends as long as they kept it to themselves. They kept me going and I would have been devastated if they had betrayed my confidence.

I feel that you think there are only two solutions - keep quiet to not rock the apple art/might loose very good friends when you really need them etc… OR let them know you’re hurt theyve talked about it to their own wider family.

I think there is another way.
You step back from telling them more than what you’d be comfortable to tell lesser closed friends/family. So first now, just he had surgery for the cancer. That’s it.
So you’re not telling them you’ve been hurt etc… but you’re acting on it.
Because the bottom line is that telling them won’t change a thing. It migut make you feel a bit better for a while. It might not if you end up grieving fur this long term friendship on the top of it. It won’t change what their dcs have or haven’t heard. Or that they’ve talked to other people.

They might or might not realise you’ve stopped sharing as much and why.
But I’d be weary to add a layer of drama on the top of what you’re currently going through.

Im 🤞🤞 for your dh and he’ll get the results he hopes for.

When my husband was in the same situation, I had to rely on my daughter’s best friend’s mum to look after her. She definitely spoke to her husband about what was going on, at no point did my 8 year old daughter or her friend get wind of it. We chose to tell her because she was just about to go through a major surgery herself and we needed her to be focussed on that and the extensive rehab it would need. She was just told he had surgery on his bad back (which she knew he had because it was a doctor’s visit for that which led to finding his entirely unrelated cancer, quite by accident). We told her the whole truth years later as he had a second similar cancer when she was 14, she wishes we had told her but understands the particular circumstances of why we didn’t.

Your entire focus right now should be on your husband and his treatment. There is no point catastrophising what might happen or might be needed, worrying about your and your children’s future, all that will do is rob you of today. Being angry at your friends is pointless emotion. At worst they have been thoughtless, but if they are supporting you in every other way, then just forgive them their minor discretion, ask them to make sure their kids don’t know, and move on. It won’t be the end of the world if your kids hear something, have a conversation ready for that eventuality which will basically say, nothing to worry about, we’re waiting for some answers.

*we chose NOT to tell her

I think intent is important here, did they tell family to understand lived experience to help support you better or did they tell family to gossip over the dinner table? You are understandably upset and sensitive in ensuring your DC find out in the most gentle way possible and I'm sure you feel like this is one area where you have control with everything else being in the control of your medical team. A conversation is probably needed to understand intent and reiterate again your reasons for wanting to keep this information private and contained. Depending on their intent will likely dictate your reaction to them violating your privacy

I am very sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult time.

A few years ago, my husband had a very serious health issue which we decided to keep from our children in the first instance.

A close mum friend of mine chose to talk about it to another adult friend within hearing of her son, who was a friend of one of my children. I hadn’t said to her that it was a secret, but I had made it very clear that we were not telling the children, so I was very upset that she had been so thoughtless as to discuss it where her kids could hear.

Of course, after her son spilled the beans at school, my son came home asking all sorts of questions for which I wasn’t really prepared. I told my friend it was upsetting for my son for this to have happened and she apologised.

I learnt that it is very difficult keeping secrets from children when it is something so all-consuming for you as parents. People talk, news spreads, and sometimes facts are misrepresented. Kids get nervous if they feel things are going on that they are not being told about.

If you need to have another conversation with your children about what’s going on, you might find it helpful to look at support available from Maggie’s https://www.maggies.org/cancer-support/managing-socially/talking-children/

The charity Young Minds are also excellent.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

OP I am sorry to hear about your DH and really hope that the treatment is effective. When my Dh was diagnosed with brain cancer I wrote a general WhatsApp to friends, outlining where Dh was, treatment that he was on (that way I could control the general info going out) - I also in it made it very clear that I would appreciate them not speaking in front of their children as my Dd was friends with them and to be careful around that. This was respected, and I think I had been very clear on how I was managing my own DD and her father's treatment and prognosis. Perhaps something like that? A general WhatsApp to friends (its good to have their support and to be able to let people know where you are ) where you can say something like, "DH has been diagnosed with X, for now this treatment has been done and we are hoping for a positive outcome with no further treatment needed, but will need to wait and see how this goes. We would appreciate that you don't speak about this in front of your children so that it is not passed on to ours as we manage this difficult situation",

I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s illness. Best wishes for his treatment.

I’ve just finished active cancer treatment myself and have had to rely on the support of some friends with lifts to hospital appointments etc. I imagine they would have found it tricky to keep it a total secret as they sometimes had to juggle other commitments to do those things and I really wouldn’t have wanted them to have to make up excuses. Agree with PP that family members may have had an inkling something was wrong. Intent is key here.

I understand your worries re your children so I would make that the focus of any discussion about it.

Op you’re going through hell, and I’m sorry for that-and understandably responding with heightened emotion, but be really really careful that you don’t end up letting all the hidden emotion of hiding this from your children and trying to cope alone and process everything come tumbling out due to this.

You also acknowledge that they had close experiences with this before, and that will have been triggering for them. Your friends love you and will also be crushed by this knowledge. Was it right for them to share? No of course not. But I can see how and why and I think it was a lot for them to hold. Not comparative to you and your family no, but I think its important you don’t end up losing friendships when you need them most. It’s ok to be hurt, but I think it’s ok to accept that we’re all human and they just needed someone too.

Very difficult situation OP.
I can so understand you wanting to protect your children.
There is something so distasteful about someone who just can't keep something to themselves.
This is your worry and upset.
The couple could have spoken among themselves but they chose to break your confidence.

I wish you luck in navigating this.
For me a trust broken, is that, broken.
I do not forget this type of betrayal unfortunately.

I hope you can move on but for me I would never feel the same about them again unfortunately.

I take discretion very seriously though.

I wish your husband and your whole family the best.

Hi OP, I can totally understand your hurt and feelings of betrayal.
I think you need to let them know how you feel.
I truly hope that your husband has a positive outcome.
Please try not to let this take over too much headspace, you need your energy and resources to deal with your current situation

I’m 100% in agreement with you OP. I speak from personal experience. I’m upset for you with comments like ‘you are reacting in a hyper sensitive way’. These people clearly have zero experience of being hit by just the worst news like you have. It’s gut wrenching, terrifying and really really scary. And that’s before you even begin to think of your young children and how to manage the whole thing with them. You are still reeling from the shock for heavens sake! I’m really annoyed by many of the replies you’ve had. I hope you are able to ignore them. And I’m so very sorry your dear friends have let you down; they had absolutely no right to ‘share’ (gossip) your very personal news to anybody. If you want to preserve the friendship, you should tell them how upset and let down you feel before trying to move on. I wish your husband a full recovery and hope everything goes well for you and your family.

I will say this a bit bluntly, OP but I do understand your concerns. Your kids probably are more worried than you imagine because of all the covering up and trying to hide the obvious.

Take control now and tell them gently; get it out in the open. This will dedramatize the whole situation and you won't lose any friends and will relieve some unnecessary stress at an already difficult time.

If you are so big on keeping things hushed you should set the example.

This.

My SIL has breast cancer. We’ve been friends since the age of 11 and are married to brothers. We have many close mutual school friends and I have told NONE OF THEM that she’s unwell. My BIL and husband share a mutual friend from their schooldays. We saw mutual friend recently, and having recently had chemotherapy himself, mentioned SILs diagnosis to us and we admitted we knew age was unwell. We haven’t even discussed it with the two other brothers because we were specifically asked not to other than between ourselves

So no, @SVDW1136, you have every right to be upset as is was not your friends’ place to discuss what you asked to be kept confidential with ANYONE

Heres wishing your husband a speedy and uneventful recovery 💐

I’m sorry you are going through this. Your “friends” have been unspeakably awful, considering the clear possibility of playground gossip. I am very confrontation averse but I would be pulling right back and telling them why in no uncertain terms. I actually couldn’t forgive this. I’m sorry people you trusted have made a horrible time even worse for you. X

Difficult. Do you know if the sister has actually told her child? If that is how you are worried your child might find out, I would ascertain that fact and then speak to your friend and her sister about how you feel from there. Sorry that your husband is so ill

Nobody can control what other people say or do

Suggest, put your energy, time & thoughts into your own immediate family