one sibling consistently left out

[YourGreenKoala]

I have 4 dds. The first three are all 1.5 years apart from each other and the youngest of 4 is 2.5 younger than the youngest of the first three. It doesn't help that the youngest started school late. Anyways, dd 1, 2 and 3 are very close and do a lot together while dd4 is always left out. While I am very happy they get to have this bond together it can feel a bit mean seeing dd4 always on her own.

I do feel like personality does come into it and there is not much I can do about it without being unfair to the older 3: dd3 is mature for her age and would not have much in common with dd4. For example, when we go outdoors as a family DH and I would relax in the sun while the kids hangout and play. dd1, 2, and 3 would talk endlessly to each other and have a great time filming stuff on their phones together while dd4 is always on her own.

dd4 is a bit young for her age and can be immature but she is very sweet and loves her older sisters so much. She is a bit upset how her sisters would all prefer each other over her. I have taught her to ask nicely if she could join them but my older three would always turn her down nicely, which isn't wrong so I don't know how to interfere.

By the way they are all teenagers and dd4 is a tween.

That sounds tricky.

Does dd4 spoil the game when she's included?

If not, then I think your older girls should be asked to include her a bit more. You can't make them include her, but presumably they love their little sister, and as teenagers they probably haven't realised that it will be damaging to her self-confidence to be rejected by the people she adores.

What do you mean by spoil the game? They don't really play games as such anymore as teenagers they mostly talk and hangout. I have talked to my older girls about this and they would just go along with it but the pattern stays the same.

Could you arrange things for dd4 to do with her sisters one at a time? Perhaps the oldest one takes her to the cinema, just the two of them, that sort of thing. It might allow her to at least strengthen her relationship with each of them individually.

I wouldn’t force it

if I were you I’d take DD4 for tested and leave her sisters to it - I think the situation will resolve naturally as time goes on without your interference

This can happen. You have a number of family members that see themselves as a team. And they don’t see the last member as part of that team.

The example I am thinking of has an age gap of more than ten years between the three and the last. All grown men now. The father died when the youngest was early teens. This difference between the boys did not become obvious until the death of the second parent some thirty years later. And from a close extended family this youngest is now left bereft. It’s not obvious ostracism, it’s like the oldest three just … wandered away.

but, I’m sorry, I have no advice.

The older ones are pretty reluctant to do this as they would want to spend the time either with their friends or their other sisters. If the older three are doing something together like watching a movie at home dd4 is included but its still the older three talking among themselves like it's clear who the outsider is.

She's not yet at their life stage and therefore they don't relate. They are more mature than her.

I did like the idea that you encourage them to spend one on one time with them. But you can't male them or it will back fire.
Do you ever do family trips like bowling or crazy golf - things were you are all doing the same thing together? Just to reinforce the family bond?
What about chores around the house where 2 people have to work together? Washing and drying up etc

I do family trips but a similar pattern occurs. We all do chores but there is no chores where 2 people have to work together? We use the dishwasher

She won’t yet be able to have those conversations as she that crucial bit younger. Perhaps it will become less of an issue with time. Was this an issue when DD3/4 were 9/7?
Maybe for now dd4 can invite a friend along?

Yes this has always been a bit of an issue like the dynamics have always been there.

What are their actual ages?