to have expected this friend to have been in touch in the last 3 months?

[MegsDancer]

My oldest friend who I've known for 22 years hasn't been great at staying in touch since moving to another European country - but usually we catch up every one to two months on everything and usually go on trips with mutual friends each year.

Anyway, I had a mental health crisis three months ago. I had multiple bereavements within weeks of each other and other difficult circumstances which lead to a breakdown. This friend was great for a few days, helping me find my strength and a general shoulder to cry on. Since then, I've been in therapy and slowly getting better.

But three months on I've heard nothing from him. AIBU to have thought he would check in at least once? I'm quite hurt by it. I know he's been on holidays etc so he's alive and kicking

Have you contacted him and he's blanked you and not replied? Or are you waiting for him to reach out?

I talked to my ‘best’ mate on 20th July to tell her be and my husband split up. Haven’t heard from her since. Some people are shit and can’t be relied upon.

@AmyDuPlantier he never used to be shit, he used to be good in these situations. And I think that's terrible about your friend - sorry to hear it, hope you're doing ok as can be expected and have others to lean on. But I know how it is -your best friend is your best friend.

He had a bad time two year ago and I was there for him.

@Tigerthatcametobrunch honestly yes, I expect him to message to check how I'm doing. It's a few words, is it too much to ask for?

I think I would be hurt too. A quick text takes absolutely no effort at all.

To be fair, messaging works both ways.
I know he's been on holidays etc so he's alive and kicking
Social media, which I assume is your source, is very much a surface thing. It doesn't say what a person might not be telling you out loud.

I'm sorry he can't really be a true friend. Unless he's struggling and something's going on?

That is so very true

Text him, check in cheerily, maybe he is going through something, don't assume the worst of him, you've had a close friendship.

Yeah neither did she; life takes over I guess and not everyone can be there for each other.

Have you been messaging him and he’s been ignoring you? Or have you actually just not been messaging each other?

But three months on I've heard nothing from him.

Have you messaged/phoned him?

I have a friend who drops away every once in a while. I usually text "I'm beginning to think you aren't speaking to me" with a smiling face emoji and she picks ups and calls and all is right with the world!

Maybe he is going through something that he doesn’t feel he can ask for your support on as you already have a lot on your plate?

One of my BFs I am really struggling to approach what I’m going through with. I’ve had a horrible diagnosis and I just can’t tell her as she’s going through something much already.

I agree. I don't really agree with comments saying it takes two to check in - my glass has been seriously half empty - I think in these cases the other friend should step up and check in now and then. This is what I do anyway.

Also, maybe he is going through something but then all his social media posts from his beach holiday suggest it perhaps can't be too serious...

But yes it's hurt my feelings. What I went through this year was serious and hopefully something a person doesn't have to go through more than once or twice in their lifetimes.

How can you agree a text takes absolutely no effort at all, and then say you can’t text him because your glass is half empty? Friendship works both ways

You don’t know anything about his glass. If you care about the friendship then reach out ask about how he is doing rather than waiting for him to ask about you.

It sounds like you've not been in touch with him either?
Maybe he's giving you space? Maybe he thinks that is the right thing to do? Maybe he's going through his own struggles for whatever reason. Just because he's posted on social media doesn't mean everything is okay. I had a serious cancer scare recently (fortunately all fine) but absolutely no way I'd post that on Facebook.
Being angry at him and him being unaware is very much like you drinking poison and wondering why he's not getting unwell.

I'm so sorry you had a break down, what a terrible thing to go through. You say you are getting better, which is wonderful, but I suspect you are still feeling fragile and this may be skewing your idea of what is reasonable and not reasonable in a friendship of 22 years. You could have messaged him and said something like

"Hi friend, thank you so much for the support and shoulder to cry on a few months ago. I'm starting to feel better and in therapy now. Sorry I haven't been in touch. How are things with you? When can we have a phone call, I'd love to hear your news! Much love, Megs XX"

He will want to know that things are looking up for you, so please tell him.

@LindorDoubleChoc yes I am getting better but you're right I'm not yet recovered.

I haven't had a lot of energy to give. A local friend has been great at physically checking in and bringing meals etc, while I got back on my feet.

Maybe because I still feel fragile I feel this way. Assuming he is doing fine, it would've been nice to put in the effort to check on me during this period. I have been there for him a lot in the past.

He will want to know that things are looking up for you, so please tell him.

If he was particularly interested he could have sent a single text to check, @LindorDoubleChoc.

All this bollocks about "giving space", if you actually care you do that after checking what OP would find helpful. Otherwise it's just checking out.

So often you find out how your real friends are in hard times, OP. It's often not the ones you would think, and of course it's hurtful.