To tell my SIL to F OFF

[Notmollybutdolly]

I’m struggling with a difficult family situation and could really use some advice.
My sister-in-law is often very unkind to my mother-in-law — the way she speaks to her can feel hateful and bullying. She has a pattern of saying she doesn’t want her parents in her life anymore, cutting them off for months, and then changing her mind. But when she reconnects, the same cycle of meanness starts all over again. This has stemmed since childhood (my partner and sister are in their 40s, parents late 70s now) and sister and mother in law have always had a fractuos relationship.

What makes this harder is the position my partner gets put in. His sister rants and raves to him about their mum, while at the same time their mum messages him when his sister is being hurtful. He gets along with both of them, but he’s stuck in the middle, constantly pulled into the drama. I really feel for him because it’s so draining.

Deep down, I wish he could set firmer boundaries with his sister, but I know I need to be sensitive in how I say this. I don’t want to add to his stress, but I also don’t want to keep watching him get caught in the middle.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How do you support a partner when their family dynamics are this toxic, without making them feel pressured or judged?

thanks so much for your help. Sometimes I think about writing a diary of her behaviour which sounds pretty pointless but I just want him to see how horrible spiteful she is.

I don't think you telling her to fuck off will help with the situation (aside from feeling great for a few hours).
All you can do is advise him to tell them BOTH that he doesn't want to get involved in their squabbles anymore, and to please keep him out of it. This doesn't have to be an argument or confrontation. He can tell them he finds it difficult to deal with and that he loves them both, but doesn't want to listen to the negativity and be put in the middle.
Ultimately though, he is a grown man and needs to be happy saying this himself rather than you doing it for him. I'd guarantee if you say it, it will kick off more (I say from experience with horrendous in-laws!)

In my personal experience, the best thing you can do is not involve yourself.

Thanks so much for replying. I’ve said all this over the years to him. But he loves her dearly (which is obviously very sweet as she is his only sibling) but I just feel like now she just causes so many issues with his parents and between me and him. She seems like a covert narcissist and I want her out of our lives.

We have a similar situation but DH has set very firm boundaries with the equivalent of your sister in law in this scenario saying that he doesn’t want to hear it. Obviously that caused friction between DH and the family member but that was less upsetting for DH than keeping on hearing it all

I have learnt to just keep my beak out tbh. I just focus on listening to my dh when he needs to vent and being sympathetic/ supportive, but I no longer offer advice or give my two cents on the situation. It's a family dynamic and pattern that I've learnt I can't change or impact, so on a personal level I distance myself from any drama, and throw all my support behind dh when he needs it. Taking this approach doesn't solve anything, but it stops me getting riled up and doesn't add to my dh's stress.

I really do sympathise as I've been there. As advised by the poster above, it really is best not to involve yourself. Unfortunately, it's not your choice to have her out if your lives. You can certainly disconnect yourself to a certain extent, but you can't ask your DH to do that. It's his decision, as much as it would be yours if you choose not to see her.
Best of luck, families can be a bloody nightmare.

Deep down, I wish he could set firmer boundaries with his sister, but I know I need to be sensitive in how I say this.

I mean it's a pretty simple thing to just say to him isn't it?

But also a bit pointless as he'll know it already.

She seems like a covert narcissist and I want her out of our lives.

Oh here we go...the real reason 🤨

You have no right to want his only sibling out of his life.

If you don't want her in yours then crack on and go NC, but leave his relationship with her alone.

Well it seems really that you don't want her to take up some off uour hubby's life .you cannot tell him not to speak to his blood family who were there long before you ever were .he obviously loves them warts and all .you sound jealous of the time he spends on them x

If you fall out with your SIL it will have a knock on effect on your relationship with the inlaws. It's up to your MIL to draw boundaries with her own daughter - or not. If you try confront your SIL it is likely that the in laws will fall out with you and you will become a common enemy for mother and daughter.

I would just try your best to stay out of it and remove yourself from any conversations about it. Don't say anything to MIL or SIL that you wouldn't want to be quoted on.

Your first question is about how to support your partner being stuck in the middle: listen, be empathetic, and stay completely out of the mother-daughter-brother/son triangle. The worst thing you could do is get involved.

Your ACTUAL question is how to get your SIL out of your lives because you don't like her: telling her to fuck off would probably work very well 🙄