How do people cope when their children go to university?

[Zara290]

OK so I currently feel like I'm the only one going through this, or maybe others are/have but "just got on with it".

So bit of background, I've been married for 21 years. We have 3 children age, 22, 18 and 16.
My eldest went to university but stayed at home. He has just started a job that is 3 hours away from where we live so currently lives with his girlfriend during the week and he/they return home most weekends. The job was initially a temporary stop to fill a gap, he didn't seem to like it at the beginning and often said he couldn't see himself doing it for long, however I think he has got used to how good the money is at it pays very well and feel he may end up getting trapped by how good the pay is - anyway they are now talking about buying a house near his job so it looks as though he will likely be moving out in the next 6 months.

We will be dropping my 2nd son off to university this weekend, so in the space of a few months they will have both "left home" so to speak. I'm finding this abit difficult, I know they have to grow up but it almost feels like I'm grieving the life we had together. My eldest's girlfriend lived with us for around 18months so we are used to having a pretty full house, easily 6/7 people here at a time. I can't imagine how quiet it is going to be without them. I also feel sorry for their sister, who has such a good relationship with them.

Not really sure what the point of my post is to be honest other than surely there are others who have felt like this? Did you just get used to it? We've travelled lots through the years too so that's another big thing I'm going to miss as I'm not sure how easy it will be to arrange that in the future with everyone's different schedules now.

You literally dedicate your whole life to them and then you are expected to just let them "go". It's so hard.

If your world revolves around them, it will be hard. But if you have work, hobbies, interests, friends....its just a different life! Embrace it.

My eldest went to uni and I was so excited for him, I loved my uni years and I just knew he’d love it too. I then went home and got on with life. My youngest went to uni last weekend and I have struggled. DH and I split up 2 years ago, we’re back together but don’t live together right now. So, I live alone, just me and the cat. I was also recently made redundant, I feel like I have nothing now. I know in reality I do, but I’ve taken the past week to wallow in self pity. I plan on restarting things on Monday. Get myself a job, work towards DH moving back in and spending time with family and friends. This is a new chapter, I have to embrace it, I have no other option. I will view it as an exciting time to reinvent myself. I refuse to roll over and accept a bleak future!

I think thats harsh take frrom po. Your world doesn’t need to revolve soley around the kids but they are obviously going to be a huge part of it. Of course we wish them well and huge success and our job is done. It’s just the season of change though. And yes starting to think about yourself more rather than them. The thing I’ve been struggling with is cooking and reducing then portion size I need to make. I have two newly out the house and now cooking for three but keep making food to feed an army!

Yes you do have to get in with it.
Thats not to say you can't grieve for that old life. But recognise what you've done which is to raise independent human beings.
My son is in his third year, there is just me and him. The first few weeks he was away I cried buckets, but he is so happy, living his life, the way I did, that you can't stay miserable.
Its a new normal, a new phase of life for you as well, you will adjust.

Been there, done it!

When DC1 first went to Uni, me and DC2 took her up there and I swear I cried all the way home, 3 hour journey. She was the noisy one and the house was so quiet!
When DC2 went, I just knew what to expect and I was fine. And I have to say I got used to a quieter more calm house with less mess after a while! Then they descend home, and you can't find anything, the house is a tip, there's nothing in the fridge and a tiny part of you is thinking... how long are they going to be staying??!

What I love now is... when they, their partners/husband, GC etc come and stay for a few days. We have such fun which usually involves them taking the piss out of me and DH which we obviously play up to!. Such a special time.

When they go off to Uni, or new jobs, it's a new chapter with them loosening the ties between you and so they should! Such an exciting time for them.

Yep. Been there, done that, and it sucks.

I went from having both adult DD's at home, used to their boyfriends staying over and having a pretty full house to firstly my eldest DD and her boyfriend moving to live and work overseas. Big adventure for them and they love it. She was the 'loud one' so the noise levels in the house went down drastically and I struggled to adjust. Not seeing her every day and being part of her everyday life was really difficult for me. I missed her so much.

Then last year my youngest left and went to uni and then it was just me and DH. That was a massive readjustment as the house was now practically silent. I love my DH and he is my bestie and I knew I would be okay but god I felt like I had lost a limb.

I spent a lot of time pining for the 'mad years' and the busy house and the music and laughter and it really was difficult for a time.

Obviously I was overjoyed that they both had amazing lives and the courage to go out into the world. I was so very proud of them both. But the hole they left in my life was pretty huge.

However, I promise, that you DO adjust. You just do.

My DH and I now have our own routine and we really enjoy it being the two of us. We spend our weekends exploring the lovely area we live, having one on one time, walking the dogs on the beach and I spend lots of time with my friends which helped massively. I love my life now, even though it is very different to the one I had when both girls were living at home.

We have our weekly facetime calls and we stay in touch so our relationships are still incredibly strong and of course, those times when they do come home are even more special when the house is once again filled with noise and laughter, boyfriends and chaos.

The positives, I can get into the bathroom when I want, the house is tidy, our bills are lower and my shopping bill has halved!! 😂

It seems hard now, and it is, but you will adjust to this new stage in your kids lives, as you did in the past with all the others.

We celebrated that we had raised independent happy young adults ready to forge their own way in the world. DT’s left to start Uni consecutive weeks so we went from four to just DH and I. Neither of the DT’s loved back home after Uni - one got a job in Amsterdam and the other Brussels

DH and I have now moved to Canada but visit DT’s regularly and they come over to us. We all met up for a week in France this summer.

We use WhatsApp daily to keep in touch and enjoy hearing about their lives, jobs, holidays and plans.

I think you have the key to your problem: “you dedicate your whole life to them “
It may be a time to focus on your needs and wants. Enjoy and have fun! 🤩 They will be happy to know you ate doing something for yourself.

It’s tough but you get used to it. Uni students are a bit boomerang in their behaviour. DS loves uni life but is an easy train journey away from us. He is planning to come back to play rugby every other weekend. The dog will be pleased to see him but the washing machine will be on the go all weekend.
I dropped him off yesterday, he promptly locked himself out of his room, I made a hasty retreat, since I firmly believe that every experience is a learning experience and he had a couple of mates with him. He sent me a video 2 hrs later having unpacked, made his bed and decorated his room. I think he is finally starting to adult.
The first year at uni is a steep learning curve for them and you. DS wanted to do everything for himself. Now he happily texts me the most random questions but is gradually accumulating life skills. Including housebreaking, I suspect. I did suggest that one of them may be able to climb in through his bedroom window to open the door from inside. Fortunately their flat is above a shop and the only access to the roof next to his room is through the shop, I would imagine that it’s not the first time they have helped the flat tenants.
It will also reinforce the importance of keeping the windows locked when they are not in.

I found it to be a mixture of excitement for them that they were starting a new phase in their lives, and utter sadness that they wouldn’t be around at home anymore. I missed them terribly, I used to get tearful doing my online delivery if I went to click on something I’d normally get especially for them ! I also used to forget and lay their place at the table sometimes. I did get used to it eventually , although I still get sad when I put my youngest on the train back to London, she moved there 10 years ago! My situation is a bit different in that I have a disabled adult daughter living at home so I don’t get much time to myself, but I muddle along. I do miss them enormously, but love seeing them do well in life.

I think the answer lies in your last paragraph - you dedicated your life to them and now they’re gone. Of course things are going to feel strange but it’s also why it’s so important not to lose your identity in being a parent.

I was excited for them but my sense of loss stunned me - I wasn't expecting to feel absolutely hollowed out by their absence.

The first year was hard. Af few years on and I'm laid back about it. I am delighted when they are home but accept that part of our lives has ended. The good thing is that we have strong and loving family relationships so they do actively want to come home quite often.

You remind yourself that they are not dead, dying or going off to war, thank everyone and everything that they are happy and healthy and get on with your own life.

I absolutely loved it!

Seeing excited young people on the verge of adulthood and about to embark on life’s big adventure…sorry to sound corny, but I did shed a tear - though not for myself.

It’s a huge, triumphant moment for them and their parents. You want them to become independent- surely that’s the whole aim of all that conscientious parenting for 18 years?

When my first went a couple of years ago I found it really hard. And let me tell you, I have a busy life. I work full time and have done lots of career development stuff over the last few years. I volunteer. I have hobbies. I have a social life a d me and DH do stuff together too. So it's absolutely not the case for me that I found it hard because I did nothing for myself.

I found it hard from an end of an era point of view. I have loved the 'raising kids' era and was sad that chapter of life was coming to an end.

My advice is to allow yourself to feel it. It's ok to feel sad and take some time to adjust. Overtime I adjusted and got used to it. My second has just gone to uni and it was far less upsetting. I miss them both of course but am much more able to enjoy the relative freedom having older kids affords you.

@Parker231 Wow that well and truly ripped the plaster off !!

We’re overseas too and two back in home country and I can only assume we’ll be scattered around the world by end of school/uni as well. I have two different types of communicators though. One contacts us regularly (for now) as just likes to chat and the other sporadic thumbs up - which means they are alive and well! But is very present when visiting or with us on holiday. But yes making that time to see them wherever they are takes a bit more planning but is essential. How great you’ve got all these places to visit them in!

Feeling sad as you wave them of us NOTHING to do with not wanting them to be independent though. Of course I want that for my kids, most parents do. I want them to explore the world and not need me for anything. Doesn't mean I can't miss them and feel sad about a phase of my life I've enjoyed ending.

We’re just coming to the end of our first week as empty nesters and it’s been a strange mix of wanting to cry and feeling really relaxed and peaceful in our suddenly very quiet home. Like all things, it’ll probably take some getting used to.

We’ve got things planned at the weekend and we’ve also been putting lots of stuff in the diary for the next few weeks

We’ve also treated ourselves to lots of nice M&S ready meals instead of having to cook a faffy tea. This bit I could get used to.

I remember listening to an author (I think it was ) talking about his children and he said “You mourn for the 6 year old you’ve lost - but you’ve now gained a 7 year old!’

I see the toddlers and little children in my grown-up son and daughter all the time. I am definitely inclined to nostalgia but I try to limit it in my life because I know that happiness comes from always moving forward positively. Happy young adults are a great reward- not all parents will have that so I’m grateful.

There is a new chapter of life and it begins when you’re ready. I have just one child so I know I’ll miss her loads when she moves away from home. That’s why I plan to throw myself into various things that will provide some welcome distraction but will also remind me of how I had a life before her. Your child is now the independent adult you grew into also. I think there’s an immense level of pride that overtakes the loneliness factor. I hope you get to have a lovely time next time you’re with all the family.

That's a really good quote. And I am absolutely grateful and enjoy watching them grow up. I suppose what I'm saying is the 'mourning' but is normal too. And for me, pretending I'm not feeling an emotion tends to lead to it lingering along in the background. I say acknowledge it, feel it and deal with it.

Yes dropped my second off last Saturday. About 7 months ago I started a hobby that I can just do now and it’s quite absorbing.

Im enjoying listening to her voice messages about what a good time she’s having.

It is difficult but at the same time they shouldn’t be stuck to you.

She had been travelling for 6 months last year so I’ve kind of adapted tbh.

I had my eldest quite young, I was 18 so I've not really had an adult life where being a Mum isnt at the centre of it.
I work part time, doing a job which is pretty much my dream job so I don't feel unforfilled there. I've also not long lost my Dad (my mum died when I was 25) so that's probably playing a big part in how I am feeling.
We've just been packing up the last of his things, he seems so excited - I'm so glad he is happy but I have this knot in my stomach!