To consider staying together for the children

[DogsRock100]

Ok bear with me. I know the standard response is separate and never do this. However my children mean the absolute world to me and they are 8 and 9. I am not working currently and obviously I would get a job asap, but I’m really concerned about the financial implications for them of having to split the money and not being as financially comfortable. I also have to drive them to school so I don’t feel as available for work as I would ideally want to be as a single parent. The key thing is the reason we need to split. He struggles with mood swings - he can be great most of the time. Now and again, his anxiety and low mood comes on and he is grumpy, agitated and defensive (I have wondered if he is neurodiverse which may affect it too but I don’t know). I personally can’t forgive this as he says things that are below the belt. I wouldn’t want the children to live in a home where they hear this, but generally he is able to control it for their sake. If he stops being able to do this around them as they get older, I know I need to make the decision. But in the meantime, they do love their dad (even if now and again they do notice he’s being really grumpy that day) and we can be a functional couple - loving even - a lot of the time. Does anyone have any advice? I guess part of me is still hoping he will fully appreciate he is the one with the mood and behaviour issue and somehow work on it, but the problem is he persuades himself it’s other people’s fault or it’s just normal etc. Is it ever a bad idea given the circumstances to hold off a few more years? I’m thinking if we coparent, if doesn’t solve the problem at all and if anything I feel like I can’t make sure he isn’t unreasonable - plus he is really disorganised and makes decisions based on what he wants to do, so ‘his’ days would be difficult with no homework done/late bedtimes for example, I worry about their social plans and teeth etc. Isn’t it better for me to be there to keep an eye and support them? Difficult!

Do you think he would want to split custody 50-50? Or would he be doing every other weekend? That would obviously make a difference.

It's hard to advise because only you know how bad the reality of living with him actually is. And how you respond to his moods will also be important. Do you flinch away from him, try to placate him, shout? Or do you just get on as normal with a brisk 'I can see you're struggling today. I love you. Let me know when you're feeling better? Your DC will be watching and learning from both of you.

I sometimes think when people 'stay together for the kids' it's not actually for the kids. That's just a socially acceptable reason to stay. They actually stay hecause its easier for them. Easier than selling the house, finding a job, living with less money. So be sure to examine your motivations very carefully.

The person who said base it on his worse days is so on point, we’re all moody and tired, I personally think men go through the equivalent of menopause but are stubborn and don’t talk about anything and then add to this he’s the single earner in your family which my dh said he started totally feeling, the need to provide, the fact he feels he doesn’t get time during the week with them and he’s exhausted but can’t do anything about it because it’s all on him (I was a sahm now back in work).

But op if he’s a horror movie and the kids see you both miserable you don’t want them growing up with that. Dh and I are close to separating and it really gets me sometimes that they’ll have forgotten what it was like when we both cheered each other on, hugged, made jokes that showed how much we loved each other etc. we only argue when we’re out of the house etc but then they’d see the fallout sometimes too. Also my friend’s parents split when she was an adult and it’s impacted her, she talks about it in her therapy a lot, feels they lied to her, she says it’s impacted her relationships etc. I think you need to think and you both need to properly talk (dh told me he was unhappy years after so he’d already checked out. Now he wants to work on it but the bitterness I have that we were such a couple but he secretly had all these feelings makes it nearly impossible for me)

OP does he know you're considering leaving him over this? That might really affect his motivation to change. Also you had bad advice from that therapist..there is some evidence that people 'forced' into therapy (eg by the courts) do just as well in terms of outcome as those who choose to work on their issues

I am not sure you should be hoping a diagnosis of ADHD would assist, it doesn’t sound particularly like he has it it to me just poor coping strategies

Same situation here @DogsRock100 - though a few years down the track. I stayed. I wish I hadn’t. Like you I was worried about not being around to intervene if he erupted when I wasn’t there. And I clung on to the ‘good’ times.

But the truth is it was never really possible to relax, because I couldn’t predict when he would change. And it’s affected the DCs - oldest because she became a target too, when she became a teen, and the youngest because she believed his spin that her sister was being over sensitive.

I can’t do it anymore, even though it’s months since his last outburst. He’s moving out soon.

I suppose what I’m saying OP is that if your DH doesn’t fully accept how he is and what the impact is, then it’s always going to be there. And so you have to make the call based on whether the bad days are acceptable. If not, then you have your answer.

All I can say from personal experience is "Don't do it."

My in-laws "stayed together for the sake of the children". It ruined my DW's childhood and my MIL's life.

You may have better financial security but (looking at my DW's situation) in my view the emotional cost is just not worth it.

It’s not ethical for a therapist to work with someone who is forced to be there.

it’s also not the therapist’s job to do all the work the client should do and force the change. It needs to come from the client, so I think your advice is terrible actually.

Tell him you can't be dealing with his behaviour anymore, it's affecting you and the kids too negatively. Unless he gets proper help and things change in the next 3 months you're leaving. And mean it. It worked for me (but I was prepared to leave despite the difficulties that would cause). The behaviour has already seriously negatively impacted DC1 unfortunately. Luckily DC2 was little. High dose of meds worked wonders. Your DH may not be on a high enough dose. He should go back to the doc or a psychiatrist if possible

Totally agree with SomanyDandelions