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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for advice ? Ex H has died - complications !

33 replies

SortYourselfOut · 18/09/2025 17:52

This is all in the UK.
Had a knock at the door last night from one of these 'heir hunter' people to say that my exH has died, it happened about a month ago but they didn't have any info of next of kin etc. We have a DD, she's 24, hasn't seen or heard from her dad for about 5 years.
He has a house, no mortgage and so DD stands to inherit this.
He was a 'difficult' person, there was certainly no love lost there on my part, but we are still in shock and discovered today that it was probably an accident and that he suffered quite a bit at the end, he wasn't discovered for some time. I've kept this from my DD, she is upset as it is and she also has special needs. I'm so sad to learn this, poor b*gger didn't deserve that.
Practical matters - he hasn't had a funeral yet, he's having one supplied by the council (what they used to call a 'pauper's funeral) and I shall make it as nice as possible for him. None of his family relatives know what has happened, he was estranged from them. I'm waiting until I have the funeral details before I try and contact them.
He lived alone, he worked for a large company I've tried to get some info from them today but they can't find anything yet. I want to see if any of his colleagues would like to attend his funeral or send flowers.
I suppose I'm just asking on here for advice as to what I do next. I'm prepared to empty his property and put it up for sale for my DD but where do I start ?
I'm also a bit nervous about seeing his friends and family at the funeral, he has really spread a lot of untruths about me to them, saying I kept our DD away from him but it's not true, she wanted to stop seeing him years ago, in fact we moved from living a 4 hour drive away to closer to where he lived so that they could have contact (one of the reasons) but he was so tough and unreasonable to deal with that she stated simply she never wanted to see him again, his family and friends only know his side and he blames me. So I'm a bit anxious about that although this isn't about me, I still want to give him a good send off.
I need a solicitor, don't I ?

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 18/09/2025 18:01

Yes you do need a solicitor to make sure it goes smoothly. I think if he's estranged from his family I'd imagine they won't come. Tell his friends they are welcome but they aren't to bring any drama or they can leave and police will be called if things get nasty.

Comtesse · 18/09/2025 18:04

Your poor daughter. That is a very sad situation. You’re going to need to sort a lot of logistics so keep good files / paperwork as you go through it. You’re doing a good thing OP sorting this all out, sending you courage Flowers

CameForAVacationStayedForTheRevolution · 18/09/2025 18:06

I’m sorry this has happened. Do talk to the council to ask them what’s allowed with regards to number of people attending, etc if they are arranging it.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/09/2025 18:37

What a difficult situation.
As far as I know, if the council are organising the funeral,then no one attends. If you want to organise the funeral, then you’ll be paying for it, unless someone else takes responsibility.
Has the death certificate been issued?
Youll need to check whether there was a will- presumably not if heir hunters are involved. You might need legal advice to check that everything is being done properly as there is a lot at stake.

Nearly50omg · 18/09/2025 18:44

Don’t bother contacting anyone he wasn’t in contact regularly with or estranged from. Why do you need the extra stress and upset from these people at the funeral?

Confusedmeanderings · 18/09/2025 18:47

What a sad and difficult situation OP.

mamagogo1 · 18/09/2025 18:51

Firstly you need to try to find out if he’d made a will, if not is your dd his only child? Does she have capacity to understand she is the beneficiary under intestate rules? If not have you got power of attorney through the court of protection? There’s other considerations but they came to mind.

if he has a house then it will fall under probate if not a lot simpler!

Look after yourself as well as your dd, it’s tough, just because you are married anymore doesn’t mean you won’t grieve

Anonymouseposter · 18/09/2025 18:56

DelphiniumBlue · 18/09/2025 18:37

What a difficult situation.
As far as I know, if the council are organising the funeral,then no one attends. If you want to organise the funeral, then you’ll be paying for it, unless someone else takes responsibility.
Has the death certificate been issued?
Youll need to check whether there was a will- presumably not if heir hunters are involved. You might need legal advice to check that everything is being done properly as there is a lot at stake.

People can attend a funeral organised by the local authority. It will be very basic but there can be a service at the crem. I worked in a Hospice and sometimes staff attended la funerals. Also sometimes family who had perhaps been estranged or more distant family who couldn’t take financial responsibility for the funeral did attend.

Newname71 · 18/09/2025 18:59

Hi there.
My sister and I were recently “heir hunted”
Our experience was they organised everything. They emptied the house and sold anything of value and added the money to the estate. They sold the house too. It took about 18 months in total to get an interim payment. It’s almost 2 years down the line now and we’re still waiting for the final payment. The hold ups have been due to HMRC.
With the interim payment we were given a full set of accounts detailing every penny that had gone towards the estate and every penny paid out of the estate.
It was all very straightforward all we did was sign the paperwork and wait.

FuzzyWolf · 18/09/2025 19:00

Are you sure a public health funeral will go ahead if his estate has the means to cover the costs?

Newname71 · 18/09/2025 19:01

FuzzyWolf · 18/09/2025 19:00

Are you sure a public health funeral will go ahead if his estate has the means to cover the costs?

We’ve recently experienced similar. It was my dads cousin who I didn’t know existed.
The council will pay for the funeral and once probate etc is sorted the estate will pay the council back.

Pedallleur · 18/09/2025 19:03

Any will? If not his daughter will inherit everything as next of kin (assuming no other children). Don't get involved with all and sundry. Has he had a company pension? Any savings?. All down to a will existing. But yes to a solicitor. Someone in the family will be plotting some kind of money/property grab. All Mumsnetters know the CFs will be sniffing about especially his family if you are not liked.

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 18/09/2025 19:03

Get some advice before you do anything.

You can read up about probate on the government website. No will and a property usually means the next of kin will need to apply for letter of administration.

Make sure if you sign up with the heir hunter you read how much it will cost.

B0D · 18/09/2025 19:06

Maybe his estranged family will be amenable to your daughter’s side of the story, after he was estranged from them too. There must be a reason for that?

Defiantlynot41 · 18/09/2025 19:15

Do contact HR at his company - he may well have a death in service benefit which can be substantial (4-10 times salary is not unusual) as well as any pension benefit/entitlement

most people would not be so rude as to say anything bad to your face, and colleagues etc may have anecdotes or stories your daughter would value hearing

Shortbread36 · 18/09/2025 19:19

I was in this exact situation some years ago: estranged father died, he’d fallen out with pretty much everyone, I turned out to be next of kin and the police just gave me the keys to his house and left me to get on with it. Most of it isn’t rocket science and there is good, free, advice available from forums like lovemoney, citizens advice, age concern (and here!). However do be very cautious of anyone offering to “help” you- if I had used the wildly expensive solicitor’s firm that one relative pushed me towards, (offering to organise house clearance, sale, all the paperwork etc for me)- I doubt there would have been much left at the end. Don’t let anyone harass you into hasty decisions - much of it is quite a slow process

Givenupshopping · 18/09/2025 19:25

Personally I'm VERY surprised that Heir Hunters would be involved yet in view of the fact that he's not even been buried yet, or is this something the Council organise, and not like the Heir Hunters program I've seen on TV, where the government issues a list of estates that no one has claimed??

Zempy · 18/09/2025 19:25

If he was estranged from his family then I really wouldn’t contact them. It is only going to complicate things.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 18/09/2025 19:31

The most likely outcome I can imagine from contacting his estranged family is that they’ll try to make a claim on your daughter’s inheritance. I’d just leave them out of it.

WatchingTheDetective · 18/09/2025 19:33

I'm so sorry your daughter has lost her dad, difficult as their relationship was.

This heir hunter - what's in it for them?

Your XH will probably have in death service insurance with his company, so you would need to get that checked out, too.

I'm concerned though that you think you can go ahead and empty his house etc when you don't know for certain whether he has a will. If you do think his family might go to his house and take things you could get the locks changed and a security camera, though, I would think.

Chattanoogachoo · 18/09/2025 19:38

Presumably, the costs of the la funeral will come out of his estate.They're meant for people who own nothing and have no one.
Could you publish his death in a local newspaper or funeral site and just see who turns up.

Original poster
SortYourselfOut · 18/09/2025 19:41

Thank you all so much for your replies, there's some really good points in all of your responses.
There's no Will, the heir hunters told me this.
DD is his only child. I am her financial appointee and have the documentation to show this. She has moderate SN and needs a lot of practical support but she is aware what all of this means for her.
I'm so grateful for the comments about leaving his family out of this, I have been tempted to do exactly this. As a for instance, ExH purchased his home 23 years ago and none of his family or friends have ever visited, not even once, only DD & I.
He worked for a large, multinational company but only in a small, blue collar role (don't want to say, just in case it's outing) and I have contacted their HR dept today. They were great, they're going to check out a few things and call me back tomorrow.
The hospital bereavement team I spoke to today were also very good, assured me that his funeral will be basic but I would be welcome to add flowers, order of service, music, readings etc. Yes, they will recoup the money from his estate but there's no upfront payment required.

OP posts:
Rosecoffeecup · 18/09/2025 19:42

Who exactly were the heir hunter people - what organisation are they from?
If he died a month ago, how can they say with certainty theres no will - who has been going through his effects to confirm that?

Original poster
SortYourselfOut · 18/09/2025 19:44

WatchingTheDetective · 18/09/2025 19:33

I'm so sorry your daughter has lost her dad, difficult as their relationship was.

This heir hunter - what's in it for them?

Your XH will probably have in death service insurance with his company, so you would need to get that checked out, too.

I'm concerned though that you think you can go ahead and empty his house etc when you don't know for certain whether he has a will. If you do think his family might go to his house and take things you could get the locks changed and a security camera, though, I would think.

I'm not going to empty his property, I need a form from a solicitor allowing me to enter as I do need to gather important paperwork.
The heir hunters informed me that he has no will.

OP posts:
Original poster
SortYourselfOut · 18/09/2025 19:47

Rosecoffeecup · 18/09/2025 19:42

Who exactly were the heir hunter people - what organisation are they from?
If he died a month ago, how can they say with certainty theres no will - who has been going through his effects to confirm that?

Edited

They were instructed by the council as he died in hospital with no next of kin noted - they've done their checks, they found us even though my name has changed since we divorced and we'd moved house. I'm not going to be using them now anyway, I think I can sort what needs to be done with the help of a solicitor.

OP posts:
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