WWYD? Is this friendship breaking down?

[FruitShooter]

I’ve a friend I’ve been fairly close to for many years and she has been fully aware of my struggles, and I hers.
Over the past few years I have felt things have become more strained and I don’t know why. I’ve always struggled socially which my friend has been aware of and although I’d be invited to things I’d often decline. I’ve made the effort to attend major life events to show my support. The most recent events I’ve gone to I’ve ended up being mostly on my own or separated from the main friendship group to be with people I didn’t really know. I’m not the outgoing type to force myself into a physical social circle so remained present but uncomfortable, although leaving earlier than others due to this. I feel my friend has either forgot or doesn’t care that that I’ve been uncomfortable in these situations. I’m not one to say at the time that I’m uncomfortable or social my awkward, however it’s something we’ve discussed often.

Further to this I’ve had a shite year with bereavements and other pressures/stress which has impacted on me mentally and I’ve been clear about it and that we agree I find it hard to reach out for help/listening ear which they acknowledged. Despite this there’s been radio silence and no checking in. For full transparency when my friend had been through similar I was in regular contact just little check in’s letting them know I was there if needed. I feel that this hasn’t been reciprocated. When there has been text contact previously I’ve asked how things are, asked after the wider family, text on important dates. One of the last contacts was to wish one of my children a happy birthday some 4 months ago and said they’d be bringing card and gifts over that weekend. Nothing appeared. This wouldn’t be an issue but I do struggle with people not following through on their words. I’d rather they didn’t mention it. I’ve since sent birthday cards for their own children, no response.

I have been quite upset about this but just trying to get on with my life not giving it too much attention. I either need to move on and accept this is the end or try something else, but what?

I could be being completely unreasonable, I do sometimes struggle to see from different perspectives. Can anyone shed any light please?

I know they are physically okay due to many social media posts, this is the norm. If anyone can give advice or help me to think about things differently I’d appreciate it.

Either the friendship has withered away or your friend is going through stuff of her own and doesn't feel able to contact you. Your conversation with her basically put the ball in her court when you said you felt unable to keep the connections going and wanted her to check in on you.

She either doesn't want to, hasn't the headspace herself, of has enough going on that you've dropped too far down her priorities. It is easy to think "I must ring so-and-so" and find that actually, it's been half a year since you last spoke.

You could get in touch and arrange a get together if you think the friendship is worth making a push to save. Or you can accept it's come to a natural end and move on.

At this point I don’t feel like I have it in me to make another push. I’m not a priority and that’s okay. I’m not sure I can keep handling the lack of effort of their part as it ends up making me feel like crap. We have been through a lot together and if it’s the end then I will find a way to accept it. It does not stop the pain though.

I think there are two separate issues here. At gatherings, it’s really not her responsibility to make allowances for your social anxiety if she’s hosting and trying to make sure everyone has a good time. It’s up to you to find a way to have a good time, either move to talk to people, talk to people you don’t know, or decline. You need to make the effort, or not go.

I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult year, but if you find it difficult to reach out for help, isn’t it possible she feels similarly, and is also having a hard time she doesn’t feel ready or able to talk about? I withdraw completely when things are bad. I was two months late with one of my closest friends’ 50th birthday present, and I didn’t attend her party.

It does sound as though the friendship has waned. I would just match her effort and leave it and get on with your life. I have friends that I rarely see and go months between messages - it's fine because when we do meet up, it's like we've never been apart and we both recognise life is busy and don't hold grudges with each other for forgetting to reply etc.

Thank you for your input. I would have appreciated just a text to say hope you’re okay as I’d do for her but I guess not everyone is like that. Maybe I shouldn’t be like that when I know people are having a hard time. We have no issue sharing the shit things that have happened in each of our lives, just the difference being I’d regularly check in just let them know I’m there etc.

I get there’s friendships that can go months. I’m not expecting lengthy phone calls or messages. It has irked me that they said they have something for my child and will bring it a certain day and don’t do it.

similarly with social settings if I knew a friend struggled I’d do all I could do ensure they felt included. I can’t help the social anxiety and it takes a lot just to show up. I know that’s my issue. In recent months I’ve matched their effort and made statements in messages like they have as it’s been clear there’s no question asked about me or my family like I’d ask them.

Again, you are putting the burden of your issues on her to solve.

You say "I'd do all I could to ensure they felt included" but in fact no, you wouldn't. Obviously you wouldn't, because you can't - thanks to your anxiety.

It's all well and good making hypothetical assertions about what a supportive friend you would have been if the roles were reversed. In reality, managing someone else's mental health is exhausting.

The friendship is over now, and best you just accept that and move on. Join a club, a group, something in your area, get out there and meet new people.

Do you enjoy the friendship?

It sounds like social occasions are very difficult for you and that you and your friend are very different people looking for different things from friends.

Inviting you to social events is her showing that she cares. I think it’s fine that she’s not looking after you at these gatherings as everybody will want a word with her. Gatherings are a chance to make new friends but it sounds like that isn’t of interest to you either. If you always decline then it could come across as you losing interest in her.

All you can do is match the energy, either the friendship has fizzled out for her or she doesn’t have the time for it.

I don’t think you’re well suited anymore. Sounds like she’s either losing interest in you or doesn’t have the energy needed to deal with you how you want to. I wouldn’t do anything drastic, just stop making an effort and see whether she reaches out eventually or not.

It probably won’t make any difference to opinions already shared. I just wanted to share that I had made friends with her other friends, I knew them to say hello to etc but not comfortable enough to go up to them as part of a big group when they are already together. For example if we’d all met up together I can be sociable to a point, I’d be uncomfortable and not as bubbly as the rest and it would drain me but I’d be involved. I’m the same in any social situation, I struggle if the group has already formed, obviously something I need to work on longer term. Because of this I feel I am more aware in other social situations when someone may be even more socially awkward than myself and that’s how I know I’d be inclusive.

As I said we’d had many conversations about my feelings in social situations and fortunately she never took it personally. She has always been understanding in that sense. However, I can’t help but feel upset that I’ve not even had a short message to ask after me or my family knowing the awful time we’ve had recently. Maybe that shows that our values are no longer aligned. Just a hurtful way for a friendship to end. Messages in recent years have been mostly closed questions from her end and just gives the feeling as she doesn’t have the interest. Even if I asked questions it would be quickly shut down.